Disillusionment - Matthew Daddario

S i x t y

"So, what's plaguing your mind then?" I asked Matthew cautiously, his eyes were far away.

He'd sat quietly for the past five minutes, making small talk about how life was going, how did I find the acting world and what he'd been doing for the past year since I stopped writing letters, but right now, he was holding back something and I wasn't sure how to get him to open up.

"I'm not sure really," he frowned sipping his coffee, "I'm so glad for the chance for us to fix this between us I am, but I don't feel like I deserve it so easily,"

"I told you, it's okay with me for us to draw the line and start over, the past is the past and besides, I miss my best friend more than anything," I smiled at him warmly, "Don't worry about it any more Matthew, you'll get wrinkles if you keep frowning by the way,"

"No I won't," he frowned more, "So besides you joining this crazy world of wonderful, whats going on with you these days,"

"Just this world of crazy for me at the minute, more time with family and new friends. It's all a new thing for me," I turned my head side to side, "I'm not always sure how to go about things, those bunch of lunatics help me pave the right way," I chuckled, remembering how many times I'd needed emergency advice from Sam or Shay and they'd found my flabbergasted state hilarious.

"I'm glad you had them and Jensen, especially Jen. He always knew exactly what you needed," Matts face was downcast again. Guilt visible for all to see, as he reflected on how he wasn't there once again.

"Hey, we're looking fowards not backwards remember?" I smiled encouragingly, "So, tell me all about Emily?"

"Oh Emily. Umm, you really don't need to hear about her," he shook his head with ferocity.

"Matt, it's ok. Honestly I'm okay with it. Whatever you need to talk about it's fine. Rant or ramble," he looked at me quizzically, as if stuck between a rock and a hard place. Then he sighed.

"Well, if I'm being truthful. It's not great," he stopped for a second to gather his thoughts, "I don't think we're happy lately, or have been in a long while actually,"

"Oh shit, I'm sorry I wasn't expecting that at all," I suddenly felt terrible for asking him something so personal off the bat, "Can I ask why? You both seemed so well in photos Matthew?"

"It's okay you wasn't to know, it's something that's been bugging me for a while actually and I wanted to tell you eventually. I just didn't know how because I didn't want to upset you either," his finger ran circles around the rim of his mug, "She didn't know until recently that I was still with you when I met her, you know, that the 'dates' over lapped because I was too much of a coward to pick a heart and stick with it?"

He paused to gather his thoughts, guilt taking over once more, "She knew of you, and that you were still back home. She knew I'd received letters from you and the gist of them being anger. That she understood, however until few months ago, maybe six, she didn't know the reason behind the anger in your words, she asked but I never told her the full truth, because she didn't know that she was part of the reason, that I was seeing her while still being in a relationship with you," his brow furrowed again as he tried to make his words clear and precise, " Emily never understood why I was so hurt yet so attached to the letters, I guess didn't realise that back then, I was in love with two people at once,"

"What did she say when you told her?" I asked, realising that even though I'm a part of the this mess he's once again created himself, he needed me now and the retelling of our chaotic relationship and break up didn't affect me like it once would of.

"She was so angry, and hurt that I'd let her be a part of your betrayal," he smiled sadly, "She felt bad for you,"

"I suppose I can appreciate that," I smiled, but a lot of time has past, I'm sure they can fix it, "It's been years Matt, you'll overcome this I'm sure,"

He shook his head, "I don't know that I can, to be honest. I'm not sure I want to, we've drifted apart and have been for a while, she won't try therapy or anything,"

"Promise me you'll keep trying, explore every avenue and option before you give up. This relationship has cost you too much already not to give it your all," his steady gaze met my pleading one and he nodded.

"I promise Ivy,"

We finished our late breakfast in a comfortable silence after that, took a walk through the park before going our separate ways. Pulling my phone out I chuckled, I had numerous missed calls from Luke and Jensen and an endless collection of texts, pleading for updates.

I'm surrounded by idiots.