ENAMOUR LOVE

Chapter 20.

AMYRAH:

I was pacing in the lawn after watering the plants. How should I avoid him now? This entire month due to the internal exams and practicals I was able to avoid him.

But what about now? Our timings were different and I came by myself rather than with him but now that everything is done I don't know how to face him again.

He hasn't done anything to me, in fact he is the one I never knew ever existed. I didn't even pray for him but still Allah granted me and I can never thank him enough.

The only thing I'm afraid of is my own self. If he stays with me, I would destroy him. He can never be happy. I'm not worthy of him, he deserves so much better than me.

Why can't he understand that I'm cursed from the day I was born. Ammi never let me forget about that and maybe I deserve that reminder every day cause she died because of me and I took the life of the one who Ammi used to adore the most.

Even cotton died cause of me and I can never get through it if something happens to him because of me. I don't want to be the reason to snatch that breathtaking smile from his face.

I can never imagine my life without him but if he would be in pain because of me then I would drink this pain easily.

To be honest I never thought that I could be able to get addicted to someone within the shortest time span. It's hardly 5 months but it felt like I've known him for ages. He became more important to me than my own self.

I walked back inside the room and laid on the bed. Tomorrow is that football match and the entire Uni is getting crazy about that. I don't know what's so special about it. I was still in a dilemma of whether going or not.

He asked me to come but will it be okay if I go. It isn't like it will be held in different colleges, in fact other colleges are coming to ours.

With these thoughts and still deciding whether to go or not, darkness took over my senses and I could finally rest for a few hours.

I woke up with the sound of the alarm and tapped it off as the dreading voice of it is so irritating. Groaning a little and snuggling up in my pillow I finally woke up.

After brushing my teeth and doing ablution, I changed my dress and came out. Spreading the prayer rug in the direction of qibla I started offering Fajr prayer.

"Ya Rahman, Ya Raheem. I don't know what is right and what is not. I'm confused, ya rabbi I'm confused. I'm in desperate need of your blessings. Your servant is lost ya rab please show me a path and end this emptiness which is consuming me. Allah, this is getting unbearable now."

"Allah, you know yesterday they again picked a fight and like always Ammi took their side. Allah, am I really so unlovable? You know like always she called me things and told me that I shouldn't have been born in the first place. She told that I snatched her happiness and always troubled her."

"Allah I promise I haven't done anything that troubles her. I never talked back to her nor disrespected her anytime. She even told me that I am her trial from Allah."

"Allah, please don't punish her. I'm not complaining about her but I just wanted to talk with someone. There is no one at the house with whom I can share my feelings. He is there and I know he will listen but I don't want to tell him. I can't backbite about my own mother."

"These thoughts are disturbing my peace and there is no one other than you with whom I can talk. Allah, don't punish her because of me please."

Wiping away the tears, I folded the rug and placed it in its place. It felt a little better, talking with Allah. With careful steps I took the phone from my bag and tip-toed myself upstairs to the terrace.