high rise hearts ☆ lifesteal smp au

𝐎𝐅𝐅 𝐓𝐇𝐄 𝐂𝐇𝐀𝐑𝐓𝐒 ✧✪

𝘁𝘆𝗽𝗲: normal oneshot (crack/humor)
𝘀𝗵𝗶𝗽𝘀: none
𝘁𝘄: n/a
𝗿𝗲𝗾𝘂𝗲𝘀𝘁𝗲𝗱 𝗯𝘆: n/a
𝗰𝗼𝗻𝘁𝗲𝘅𝘁: very ridiculous car chase over something very very stupid

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𝐏𝐎𝐕: squiddo

Squiddo didn't really know what they'd done, exactly, to deserve being flung into a high-speed, extremely unsafe car chase at 5 AM in the morning, with all participants fueled by one too many bottles of liquor. Oh well, it was too late for regrets.
They gripped the back of the passenger's seat as the convertible screeched around another bend in the highway, speeding for the nearest exit. Behind them, they could hear tires scraping against the asphalt as the car right behind them gave chase. Two gunshots echoed in close succession behind them, both bullets thankfully steering far clear of their area.
"Jesus, Clown, can you drive ANY SLOWER?" Squiddo yelped, risking a glance over their seat and out the back window. Indeed, the familiar shiny white sedan was still closely tailing them, with Zam's shit eating grin poking out of the back window. He clutched a pistol tightly in his hands, the barrel aimed directly at them. Another shot fired, this one hitting the back window and splintering the glass. Squiddo ducked and returned to facing the front, fearing for their life.
"No can do, Squiddo." Clown's voice was pitched higher than usual, and he gave a giggle as he swerved around another bend and into the slightly more populated street. They swerved around the city traffic, honks and screeches sounding around them like a discordant orchestra.
To accompany the noises of traffic, a series of high-pitched barks came from up front, belonging distinctly to Zam's dog Fluffy. Fluffy was a little terrier mix that didn't quite know what she'd gotten herself into by jumping into the arms of one certain Kaboodle, and thus found herself here, speeding away from her owner through the maze of streets that was New York City.
"Shh, Fluffy- we'll be finee!" Kab giggled, poking her head out of the half-open window. "SCREW YOU, ZAM! THIS DOG'S MINE NOW!" She gave a loud cackle and shut her window with a little whir- the noises of the wind outside were positively deafening.
"Guys, I found the shotgun." Ash scrambles over the back of his seat, lugging behind him an old-fashioned gun he'd taken from the trunk. "Miracle I didn't get shot myself, to be honest." He rolls down his window and sticks out the barrel, firing a shot or two at Zam's car, which swerves dangerously to avoid getting hit.
"Ain't a miracle, Planet's just a shit driver." Clown remarks, pulling a glass bottle half full of champagne out of the cup holder in front. He twists it open and takes a long sip, allowing the car to skew a little and bump the sidewalk. He closes it with a satisfied sigh.
"CLOWNNN! No drinking while driving- you're going to get us all killed!" Squiddo whined, trying their best to lean forwards and snatch the bottle without taking off their seatbelt. "nOoOo leave my wine alone-" Clown playfully slapped their hand away, knowing they probably couldn't get the bottle even if they tried any harder. With an exhausted groan, they leaned back again.
"Hey, mind sharing some of that stuff?" Kab makes grabby hands for the bottle, and Clown allows her to take a little sip (without drinking directly from the top of the bottle, of course). Their car swerves as more gunshots echo behind them.
"Kab, can you not just give back Fluffy or whatever her name was?" Squiddo pleads, gesturing to the small dog, which is still barking at the open window while sitting in Kab's lap. "Hell no, she's my baby now." Kab hugs the dog protectively, and it wriggles in her grasp.
"Hey, Zam's switching with Pangi now-" Ash says. He's reloading his gun- apparently while Squiddo was busy scolding the others, he'd used up all his ammo. A gunshot elicits a shattering noise from the back, and Squiddo ducks to avoid a little shard or two that comes sailing over the back of their seat.
"Guys, if we don't slow this down we'll get in a CAR CRASH." They put a lot of emphasis on the last two words. Clown laughs in response- "Ah, don't worry your head off. We'll be fineee-" As he says that, the car swerves onto the sidewalk and almost hits some innocent pedestrians, who jump out of the way just in time, and scrapes the door of a parked car before veering back onto the road.
"Can we PLEASEE just go back to the party? I'm done with this crap-" Squiddo tries to open the car door, half thinking about just jumping out into traffic, but decides against it. The door's locked anyways. "Oh come on, this is the most fun I've had in about fifty million years. Don't be a wuss," Kab complains, one hand stroking a very uncomfortable Fluffy. At least, Squiddo thinks she's unhappy- the view from the rearview mirror isn't the best.
More gunshots fire behind them as the two cars speed into a less crowded area of Manhattan. "At this angle, I can barely fucking aim- gimme a sec." Ash rolls down his car window and, shotgun held tightly under one arm, starts to climb out onto the roof. "ASH! What the HELL are you doing!?" Squiddo unbuckles and scrambles to the window, about to pull on one of his legs, but now they can see that if they do that he'll probably fall onto the street and die. Not ideal. "Get back here, for god's sake!"
He's already on the roof, and they can't see him anymore. A flurry of gunfire is exchanged. Squiddo sticks their head out of the window and sees him laying low on the roof of the convertible, shotgun over his shoulder and a crazed smile on his face. "Hey, mind telling Clown to pass the champagne?" Squiddo groans- my friends are so cuckoo, I swear... "Hell no, you've had enough of that stuff for today."
They have to scoot back inside to avoid Pangi's pistol fire, with a bullet narrowly whizzing past the side of their face and shattering some window on the street. From behind them comes the faint wailing of police sirens. Occupying Ash's seat now, she has a better view of Kab looking out her mirror- "Gosh darn it, the police are on us. Who forgot to pay?"
"I dunno, I wasn't on paying duty anyways." Clown shrugs. The car swerves around more traffic, making Squiddo feel positively sick. There's a bumping noise as they make contact with the side of a passing car, and they hit her head hard on the roof of the car as they fly past. "Ow- Jeez-" Their complaints are muffled by the many cars honking around them.
"JUST GIVE BACK FLUFFY!" Zam yells from behind them. The car behind them is speeding up- at this rate, he'll probably try to ram them off the road pretty soon. "NEVER!" Kab calls out her window, sticking her hand out to flip him the birdie. "Kab, please just give him back- I'm gonna vomit, oh my god-" Squiddo holds one hand to their head and leans a little towards her open window, hoping the "fresh air" (air is never truly fresh in NYC) will soothe their gigantic headache.
The wailing of sirens grows louder, this time followed by a familiar voice carried on the rushing wind by way of megaphone: "STOP IN THE NAME OF THE LAW!" Squiddo's briefly filled with relief- "That's Minute, I hear him!" but is quickly crushed: "He can't take bribes right now, we're a little bit busy. Unfortunate." Clown sharply turns the car around another corner, again riding up on the sidewalk and fueling Squiddo's growing dizziness.
In all this chaos, she'd barely noticed Zam's car had grown substantially on them. Ash was scrambling through the window, trails of blood leaking from his shoulder where a bullet had grazed his suit. "Ash, are you okay?" Squiddo asked, scooting aside to make room for him to enter. "Yeah, they're too close for me to properly shoot now. Do we have bandages-"
"Yeah, probably in the back somewhere." Kab calls from up front, one hand pointing over her shoulder while the other continues to shoot a whining Fluffy. "We should just put everything up front, I've had to do way too much fucking climbing today-" Still grumbling, Ash hoists himself over the back of his seat and into the trunk in search of bandages.
There's a loud crash from behind them, and everyone's jolted forwards. Squiddo shrieks and grabs onto the side of Kab's seat, their seatbelt constricting around her. "Shit, they're ramming us-" Clown takes another sip of champagne and steps on the gas, sending the car skyrocketing forwards. It's like they're playing a messed up dodging video game, switching lanes at lightspeed to avoid bumping into anyone. For the cherry on top, the police sirens are growing louder.
They've found themselves back on the interstate highway, going 30 miles over speed limit with Zam's car close behind. "CLOWNNN! SLOW DOWN AND LET KAB GIVE FLUFFY BACK!" Squiddo's orders are lost to the hyperpop blasting on the car radio. "Ooh, I love this song!" Kab starts singing along to a song being played, one Squiddo isn't familiar with. All they know is that Kab is decidedly off-tune and it hurts their ears.
Another crash sounds- from beside them this time. Zam's caught up and rammed into the side of their car. Everybody immediately starts panicking (far too late, in Squiddo's opinion) as the car veers off the raised highway and smashes through the low concrete walls bordering the road, flipping over in the air and smashing in a heap on the road below.

Squiddo sits up with a start in a plush white bed. Great, we all died. They still feel slightly dizzy, but at least they aren't about to vomit anymore. Around them, in various other beds, are very dazed versions of Clown, Kab and Ash. "Well, look what you've done NOW!" Squiddo groans loudly, one hand on their face in exasperation. Their volume startles some of the other people filling out paperwork in the background.
"Hey wait, where's Fluffy?" Kab asks. "Wait, nooooo-" Evidently the car crash comes back to her, and she collapses into her pillows, wailing about how she missed the little dog so. "He'll probably be back with Zam at the vet ward. That was pretty useless," a now sober Clown remarks of their journey. "Good time to realize that." Squiddo sighs. They love their friends, but they'll never fail to surprise them with how idiotic they can be sometimes.

─── ⋅☆⋅ ───

𝗮/𝗻: i listened to this one song called "WORLDWID3" by femtanyl (give their songs a listen omg they're bangers) and i wanted to make a silly chaotic thingy with a similar vibe to that. so yeah lol ☆ bk

𝗻𝗼𝘁𝗲: this should be obvious, but please don't drink and drive irl. i may have glorified it a teensy bit in this oneshot, it's a really bad idea. stay safe y'all <3

𝐖𝐎𝐑𝐃 𝐂𝐎𝐔𝐍𝐓: 1866