high rise hearts ☆ lifesteal smp au

𝐔𝐓𝐓𝐄𝐑𝐋𝐘 𝐇𝐎𝐏𝐄𝐋𝐄𝐒𝐒 ✧

𝘁𝘆𝗽𝗲: normal oneshot (humor)
𝘀𝗵𝗶𝗽𝘀: none
𝘁𝘄: n/a
𝗿𝗲𝗾𝘂𝗲𝘀𝘁𝗲𝗱 𝗯𝘆: n/a
𝗰𝗼𝗻𝘁𝗲𝘅𝘁: squiddo, cursed with being the only one sober, has to drag all her drunk friends home. except she can't drive

─── ⋅☆⋅ ───

𝐏𝐎𝐕: squiddo

Squiddo sat alone in front of the bar counter, holding a lukewarm glass of water in one hand as they watched their friends party it up on the flashy dance floor, as they'd been doing for hours now. They stifled a yawn- the club was dim and steaming hot, which didn't help their tiredness at all. They pulled out their phone and checked the time on their phone screen. About 3 AM.
They shielded their eyes against the disco lights reflecting off their vibrant glasses, setting their water glass on the counter. They'd all agreed to go home at 3, although looking at how much fun everyone was having, they doubted any of them would leave until they passed out or something. Oh well, it was worth a try.
Sliding off the warm barstool, Squiddo squeezed their way between the few patrons who were still able to properly stand and ducked around those who couldn't, slowly making their way to the section of the dance floor their friends currently occupied. They could hear the familiar slurred voices from across the room.
"Alright guys, it's 3 AM," Squiddo started in as loud a voice as they possibly could without screaming, but nobody seemed to hear them over the dubstep blasting from the many speakers or over their own voices in general. So they resorted to screaming anyways: "GUYSS! IT'S 3 AM, TIME TO GO HOME."
The Lifestealers finally seemed to take notice of them, and responded with a chorus of disappointed groans and protests. "uUuGh, can I just have 5 more minuuuutes? pLeaseee???" wailed Zam, who was teetering precariously in place like one of those inflatable tube guys you saw outside a used car sale lot. "No, Zam, it's time to go home! We agreed on this, remember?"
"C'moon, justONEmorebeer..." This came from Mapicc, who was struggling to pick himself up off the ground while half-crawling, half-staggering in the direction of the bar. Squiddo gave a loud sigh and grabbed both his arms, hauling him upright while also pushing him away from the bar. "No, no more drinks. You've all wasted enough money today, and we need to get home..."
Squiddo looked behind them to check on everyone else and found that Zam was just about ready to topple over too, so they shifted their grasp to Mapicc's sweater hood and rushed over to Zam, grabbing his sleeve. It was a workout trying to support two people at once, but Squiddo managed to get them both into a position where they looked like they could stand, although they'd probably topple over like dominos if they let them go.
"Alright, does everybody else have the ability to walk?" Squiddo half-shouted- the current song was ending, but the club was still lively with chatter. "Uhhh, I think I can, uh, walk, maybee-" Redd teetered to stand beside her, holding a plastic cup of soda. He wasn't nearly as drunk as everyone else, having only been able to stomach a few shots before throwing up in the bathroom at some point. He'd resorted to soda instead.
"Clown, what about you?" The guy in question was leaning against a beam, and he'd been giggling the entire time. Squiddo couldn't see his face behind the mask he always wore in public, but they could imagine he was similarly drunk. "Clown, can you stand?" Squiddo asked again, and Clown nodded slowly, pushing himself off the beam. He leaned forwards for a bit, but righted himself quickly, and she breathed out a sigh of relief.
"Alright, is everyone here- hm, wait, where are Spoke, Kab and Ash..." Squiddo had been counting the heads and they were three short. "I think they went off tooo... the bathroom? I dunno, forgot-" Zam replied, glancing wildly around in an attempt to look for them. "Ooh, overTHERE..." Mapicc pointed over to a spot near the entrance, where the three in question were standing in a circle, facing something Squiddo couldn't see.
"Oh- okay everyone, follow me!" Squiddo heaved up Mapicc and Zam and started half-shoving them towards the entrance while also trying not to knock them over. Clown and Redd followed behind them, swerving around and bumping into several people as they went. As they got closer, they heard the classic click of an unloaded gun firing, and they knew exactly what they were doing.
"GUYS! You KNOW you're banned from roulette..." Squiddo stomped over, still dragging Mapicc and Zam along with her, and snatched the gun out of Ash's hands just as he was about to aim it towards his head. "hEy, give that baaaack!" Spoke, looking disappointed, stumbled towards her and made grabby hands for the gun, but they shoved it in their sweater pocket and pushed him upright and away from her. He wobbled, then found purchase on the wall and held himself up. "rUdeee..."
"I bet half my savings on this gameee- give the thing back, I need to fucking winnn-" Ash groaned, although he didn't try anything, being too busy slumping against the wall and being dramatic. "I WANTED TO WIN TOOO! THIS WAS MY FIRST TIME REALLY LIKE PLAYINGGG-" Kab was speaking five times louder than she usually did, which was saying something in Squiddo's opinion. They didn't respond to either, instead continuing to herd everyone towards the door.
A little while later, Squiddo managed to get everyone outside, and they propped Mapicc and Zam against the door so they could safely unload the gun. Spoke, Ash and Kab watched them do so with matching pouty faces. "Who's driving-" This came from Clown, who was standing at the edge of the sidewalk, looking out at the parking lot. His remark reminded Squiddo that absolutely nobody here was able to drive.
"Goddamnit, I can't drive and you all are too drunk. Now what..." Squiddo shoved the gun, now empty of rounds, back into their pocket and tried to brainstorm ideas. "Uhhh, what about my- private jet?" Redd suggested, one arm propping him up against the wall of the club as he stared into the sky expectantly.
"Redd, flying a plane counts as driving." Squiddo replied dryly. "Do you even have a private jet?" Redd shifted his gaze to them, wearing a casual grin as he usually did. "Uhh, I think so? Like, parked back in, uhh, Niagara Falls or, uh, somewhere?" He squinted as if trying to remember the exact location. He was the only person who Squiddo wouldn't doubt when they said they owned a jet, honestly. He bought a lot of weird stuff.
"Ooh, wait, the subway! Yeah, let's try that..." Squiddo grinned to themselves, proud they'd thought of something that could actually work. "C'mon everyone, the nearest station is... where?" They pulled out their phone and opened Google Maps, searching for the nearest subway. "Hm, 5 minute walk... alright guys, follow me."
They grabbed Zam, who was playing Candy Crush on an unfamiliar-looking phone, and Mapicc, who was half asleep, and began hauling them down the sidewalk, following the audio directions of the robotic voice of their phone. Everybody else followed behind them like a pack of zombified dogs. They must be a funny sight to anybody watching.
Five uneventful minutes later (Squiddo thanked the gods they were uneventful), they arrived at the set of steps leading down into the subway station tunnel. "Alright guys, watch your step," Squiddo cautioned, trying their best to move Mapicc and Zam down the stairs without having them trip and fall over. Zam seemed to be recovering a little, but Mapicc was passed out by this point, and Squiddo had to drape him awkwardly over their shoulder to properly move him.
They got to the bottom first, and Squiddo paused at the end of the steps to check on everyone else. Clown got down soon after them, one hand gripping the metal railing tightly. Redd stumbled on one of the steps but also managed to get down. It was the roulette group that was having the most issue here.
Kab was cheering something or other as both Spoke and Ash raced each other down the steps, although they were doing a really bad job of it. It looked like Ash was taking the steps three at a time, almost falling several times, and Spoke was trying to slide down the side railing, moving comically slow. "Guys, cut it out!" Squiddo yelped, but it was already too late- Ash was rolling down the steps and landed face first on the dirty tile floor.
"hA, I WON! FUCK YOUUUU-" Ash pushed himself up with a grunt and flipped the birdie in the general direction of up. Spoke cursed and untangled himself from the railing, stumbling down the last few steps. "WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! WE HAVE A WINNERRRRR!" Kab yelled, so loud Squiddo feared she'd wake up the entirety of Manhattan. "Kab, shush! And Ash, are you okay?"
"Ohh, better than ever. I beat that loser... FUCK YOU SPOKE! HAHAHAAA-" Ash's glitches started up and dragged out the last bit of his laugh. "FUCK YOU TOO ASH." Spoke raised his own birdie at them and stalked forwards, turning down the hallway and out of sight. In the wrong direction. "SPOKE! You're going the WRONG WAY!" Squiddo shouted after him, hurrying after as best as they could while dragging a snoring Mapicc.
By the time they got the runaway back to the others, Kab and Clown were playing rock paper scissors for a reason Squiddo could only guess, and Zam was yelling at the phone of mysterious origin. "BROOOO NOOOO I WAS SO FUCKING CLOSEEE NOOOOOO!!!" Squiddo sighed, making her way around Ash, who was just now trying to get up, and grabbed the teetering Zam. "No shouting, guys!"
Zam continued to curse anyways as Squiddo led them down the deserted station hall, passing the mosaic murals and subway line maps hung on the walls. They finally got to the turnstiles, and just looking at it gave Squiddo a headache as they tried to anticipate getting their friends through all that. Nobody else seemed to share their dismay, being too busy fooling around.
They fumbled through their pocket for their Metrocard, and they found none. They checked their other pocket, and found none. They dug through the pockets of their sweatpants. No Metrocard. "Dammit, I must have lost it somewhere..." Squiddo groaned. "Have any of you guys seen a Metrocard or have one on you?"
"wHat's a Metroocard?" Zam said curiously from beside them, not looking up from their Candy Crush level. It must have been a mom's phone, he was on level 2763. Squiddo reminded themselves to find its owner once they got everyone home. "Uhh, I always use my private jet..." Redd added, digging through his own pockets and discarding an empty gum wrapper on the floor.
Squiddo shook their head in exasperation. "No littering, Redd," they scold as they bend down, pick up the wrapper and head for the nearest garbage can. "Does nobody else have a Metrocard??" They called back. A chorus of nos, followed by Spoke's unhelpful "I lost mine 2 days ago!" They pause for a moment, then reach into Mapicc's pocket in the hopes of finding his card. They touch something sticky inside and recoil in disgust, then decide not to try that again.
"Ugh, alright then. Looks like I'm buying a new Metrocard- you all STAY RIGHT HERE and DO NOT MOVE. I'll be right over there, okay?" Squiddo pointed towards the nearby Metrocard ATMs. After receiving murmured agreement from mostly everyone (except Mapicc, who they'd propped against the disabled persons door and was still sleeping), Squiddo walked up to the ATM and began filling in the required information for a new card.
Just as they finished, they heard more clamor behind them, and they quickly snatched the fresh new card from the dispensing slot and turned to see Spoke and Zam peering over the phone, arguing loudly about what Squiddo assumed was the next move to be made. They internally facepalmed and speedwalked over to break them up.
"Guys, let's be civil today..." Squiddo chastised them like a fed-up mother, separating Spoke from Zam's shoulder- he looked like he would have fallen over again if Spoke kept it up. "But he's doing it ALLWRONG-! should have swiped the first blues from earlierrrrr!" Spoke whined, although Zam didn't seem to care about his advice at all.
"Let's just get you all through before the train arrives..." Squiddo seizes the sleeve of the nearest person, which is Redd, and, with surprisingly little effort required, lines him up with the turnstile. Squiddo swipes the card and successfully pushes him through. "wHeee-" Once free of the turnstile, Redd staggers but stays upright. "I did it!! yAyy!!"
"Uhhuh, good job Redd. You see, it's not that hard guys!" Squiddo says, but their hopes of everything else going so well are crushed by the utter chaos taking place behind them. Ash and Spoke are yelling at each other again, Squiddo doesn't know what about, and Kab is robbing Mapicc's pockets of candy. Squiddo realizes she probably touched a melted lollipop earlier. And it looks like Clown has pickpocketed the roulette gun and is inspecting it closely.
"Oh my actual god..." Squiddo then has another bright idea. "Redd!" This catches the attention of the person in question, who's pacing in a lopsided circle behind the turnstiles. "Can you open the door here?" They point to the disabled persons door. "Please? I mean, after I move Mapicc-" They glare at Kab, who's fishing through Mapicc's jeans with a lollipop between her teeth.
"Uhh, sure- now?" Redd starts towards the door, and Squiddo yelps. "No, nonono. Not now, wait a sec!" They rush over to Kab and swat her away- "Stop robbing Mapicc, that's his candy and that isn't nice-" then drag the still-sleeping guy farther away from the door, so he's propped up against the wall instead.
"Okay, you can open the door now!" They call to Redd, and a few seconds later he manages to push open the heavy metal door. "Oh my gosh, thank you... hold it open, please-" Redd nods in general agreement, leaning against the door to hold it open. Squiddo thanks the gods that he's sober enough to pay attention.
They hoist Mapicc up again and drag him through the doorway, setting him up against the wall. "Alright, now time for everybody else..." Kab is already proceeding through the door with a manic grin on her face, no doubt ready to continue stealing Mapicc's candy, so Squiddo only has to deal with Spoke, Ash, Zam and Clown.
They decide to go with Spoke and Ash first, as their verbal abuse of each other has escalated and both look as if they're about to start throwing hands any second now. "Alright guys, break it up, break it up! What's all this about?" Squiddo pushes them apart and starts slowly leading them towards the open doorway.
"SPOKE thinks that I DIDN'T WIN just BECAUSEE I FELL THE FUCK OVER BUT HE'S FUCKING WRONGG JUST A SORE FUCKING LOSERRRR-" Ash immediately went back to berating Spoke, who returned his sour words with equal vigor. Squiddo had to hold each of them back by the collars of their shirts. "Alright guys, that's ENOUGH."
They deposit Ash by the door and drag Spoke to the other side of the hall. "You two better stay there and stop fighting." Squiddo says sternly, and both begrudgingly agree. With another sigh, one of many they've already let out this evening, they head back to retrieve the final Lifestealer. "Clown, c'mon before we miss the train..."
Clown looks up from the gun for a brief moment before returning his gaze to it, seeming to have no care for anything but the weapon which he now held. He ran a finger gently over its grip, as if it was something new and intriguing which he'd never seen before, despite being more than familiar with guns already. "C'mon Clown..." Squiddo repeated, nervously watching him observe the gun.
With a final sigh, Clown stuffed the empty gun in his own pocket and made his way past Squiddo and through the door, still teetering a little. They debated asking for the gun back, but it was empty anyways, and it would just cause extra trouble, which they really didn't need right now. So they just walked through, motioning for Redd to shut the door behind them.
They picked up Mapicc and led everyone toward the steps to the train platform, which they thankfully descended with no issue. Unfortunately, Squiddo noticed the train was already here, and in fact getting ready to close the doors. They would have ran to catch up, but while holding Mapicc that was impossible, so they were forced to watch and curse their bad luck as the train doors closed and the subway sped off down the dark tunnel.
"Ughh, we'll just have to wait for the next train..." The next train in the direction they needed was 6 minutes away. They hoped everyone would last long enough for that. "6 minutes till the train guys, please just sit and wait..." By now, everyone had finished descending the stairs, and were now wandering around the empty train platform. "Remember guys, STAY AWAY from the yellow line-"
Squiddo cut themselves off, as Zam had already wandered to stand by the edge of the platform, trying to look down the tunnel. With how he was currently wobbling, Squiddo had no trouble imagining him tumbling down onto the track, and she quickly ran over and grabbed his arm. "ZAM! What did I JUST SAY?" He twisted to squint at her, as if mildly confused. "Wha-?"
Squiddo groaned and dragged Zam over to a bench, where they'd draped Mapicc a minute prior. "Just sit down and play your game or whatever." Zam obediently went back to his Candy Crush game, slumped against the back of the low wooden seat. They were just grateful Zam hadn't fallen onto the tracks- what a mess that would be.
Squiddo turned to check on everyone else and had to hold back a string of ugly swear words. Clown was standing casually by the stairs, a kitchen knife dripping with red liquid hanging limply by his side. His mask was splattered with blood and he was in the process of absorbing a heart. "Oh my GOD. CLOWN! Who have you killed NOW."
"Uhh, some homeless guy? I dunno, he was, like... sleeping on the bench, or something, and I thought maybe I should kill him, get me my 20th heart, you know?" Clown said nonchalantly. "Do you have a paper towel?" Squiddo facepalmed for real this time and shook her head. Hopefully the place was empty enough that they could get Clown through without attracting any police.
"No, I don't have anything... uh, throw the knife down there." Squiddo pointed to the tracks, and Clown gave his knife a sad look before tossing it with a clatter onto the tracks. "And can you, like, tie your hoodie around you, try and hide the blood on your pants. And wipe the stuff off your mask too-" Squiddo makes sure he starts to take it off and knot the sleeves around him before moving on.
A few minutes later, a train rumbled into the station, and Squiddo looked up at the schedule to see if it was their train. It wasn't. "Guys, this isn't our train! We gotta wait a few more minutes." Unfortunately, Spoke happened to already be stepping on the train.
"SPOKE! This isn't our train, did you hear me?" Squiddo rushed up to him and forcefully pulled him off the subway just before the doors closed. They winced at the close call and watched the train speed away.
"that WASN'T our train???" Spoke's eyes followed the shiny subway as it disappeared down the tunnel. "No, Spoke, it wasn't." Squiddo said, maneuvering him to the center of the station platform.
Their train arrived a few minutes later, and Squiddo was only narrowly able to herd everyone onto the train before the door closed. When the sliding doors hissed shut behind them, they sank into an empty seat and took several deep breaths. They were exhausted.
"Alright, so whose stop is first-" They squinted at the light-up map crammed onto the top of the opposite wall, amongst all the random ads. They tried to summon some of their friends' addresses to their mind.
"Oh, Redd- your stop is first." They then realized that to get there, a few of the more famous stations were in the way, namely Times Square. Which would bring like a thousand people onto the train. "Gosh darn it..."
Guess they'd have to enjoy the silence while it lasted. They slumped onto the hard, cool subway bench again, but just then another thought came to them. "Clown? Where is he-" Squiddo pushed herself up and glanced frantically around the train car.
Clown was standing by the window, watching the tunnel's grimy walls rush past. One arm was wrapped leisurely around a metal support pole. "Clown! There are some crowded stops along the way, you'll need to hide-"
Clown turned to look at them, and when they spoke they sounded innocently confused: "Hide? Why? Can't I just kill?" Squiddo groaned to themselves. "No, Clown, we'll get kicked off the subway or worse. You have max hearts anyways-"
"Oh." Clown turned away from Squiddo again, and they felt like slapping him, then remembered that he really wasn't thinking straight and stopped themselves. "Look, can you just, like- stand by the door and face away from everybody? This car doesn't really have a better hiding spot, honestly-"
"Okay." Surprisingly, Clown agreed and moved to the front of the car, where he leaned against the wall by the door and looked out the small window there. Squiddo was infinitely grateful he hadn't caused any more trouble.
As the train moved on, more and more people entered the car until it was decently crowded. Squiddo saw everything from late night tourists to night shift workers to homeless people looking for a place to crash for the night. They noticed Spoke talking animatedly to one of the tourists, who looked a little uncomfortable.
They pushed their way through the crowd towards Redd, who was laying over an entire seat by himself and staring up at the ceiling. "Hey Redd, your stop's soon. Can you get home?" Squiddo asked. "Uh, yeah I think so..." Redd didn't move his gaze from the ceiling. "Can you tell me the directions?" He recited them well, albeit with a couple of "uhhs" in between. "Alright," Squiddo said, taking a deep breath. "I trust you to walk home, I have to watch over everyone else."
They stood by Redd until his stop came, then watched him as he rolled off the seat, rubbed his eyes and walked out of the station. One down, 6 to go.
The train car had emptied a little, but was still reasonably full. Squiddo tried to remember whose stop came next, pushing through the people to look up at the map again. It looked like Zam's. They looked around and didn't see him anywhere.
"Zam- where is he, I swear to god-" Squiddo weaved around the mingling passengers until they found Zam, who looked like he was trying to swing on one of the overhead poles like a monkey. Ash was swinging next to him, giggling like a happy toddler on a sugar rush. "ZAM! ASH! Get down from there!"
"bUt wHyyyyYyYyy?" Zam complained, still weakly swinging from the bar. "That's not a safe thing to do on a subway, plus you're not a kid anymore!" Squiddo scolded him, motioning for him and Ash to get down. Ash held up their middle finger at them with one hand, stuck their tongue out and continued swinging.
"But I AMMM a kiddd!!" He continued to whine, although he did put his feet back on the floor again, unlike Ash. Some of the passengers gave them weird stares, but Squiddo ignored them. "No, you're not a kid, Zam. Where'd the phone go-?"
"I gave it to Spoke, he wanted to watch some videos, he said..." Zam pointed a little ways away, where Spoke was watching something with his airpods plugged in. "Alright, whatever- Ash, get down from there-" Squiddo repeated, but he went "lAlALa I do not care" and continued. With a sigh, they moved on: "Spoke, your stop's next, can you get home?"
"Huh?- thought we were gonna sleep on the subway?" Zam blinked slowly at them. "Ugh, I might need to lead you home... but who'll take care of everyone else, gosh darn it-" They then had an idea.
"Spoke! I'll need that phone-" Squiddo marched up to him, holding out one hand to recieve it. "But whyyy? I'm busyyy!!" He complained, moving it farther away from their hand. "Zam will need directions to walk home- just give it!" They tried grabbing the phone but Spoke was too fast. "Nooo, I'm doing something right nowwww!"
"What are you even watching-" Squiddo looked at the screen's reflection in the window and saw something they did not want to see. "Good god Spoke, get off the Hub and give me that!" They finally succeeded in grabbing the phone, much to Spoke's dismay, and exited the browser before they could see anything else.
They disconnected the Bluetooth and shoved the phone into Zam's hands, dialing their own number. They pulled out their own phone and answered.
"Squiddo why am I calling you?? You're right here, right??" Zam reached out to end the call, but Squiddo grabbed his sleeve and stopped him. "That's so I can give you directions to get home. It's your stop by the way-"
They clicked FaceTime and shoved him off the subway. As the train rumbled off, they could still hear the grainy voice of Zam over the phone- "Wha- you pushed me off the subwayyy! What do I even do-"
Squiddo started listing off instructions to Zam while at the same time working their way back to the map on the wall. "Yeah, turn left there, should be like a block away?"
While Zam complained about which way was supposed to be left, Squiddo determined whose stop was next. Spoke's- they looked around for him and found him bartering for some of Kab's stolen candy. "I'll give you a quarter for that blue raspberry! Pleaseeeeee-"
Squiddo rolled their eyes and approached them, still half instructing Zam on how to determine left. "Spoke, your stop's soon. Let's not start any more fights-" They gave a stern look to both of them.
"Hm, 2 quarters for the blue raspberry?" Kab counter offered, waving the lollipop tauntingly in the air and ignoring Squiddo entirely. "Deal!" Spoke handed over the money and snatched the candy out of Kab's hand, unwrapping it and popping it into his mouth with great satisfaction.
"Squiddo, I turned left and I'm facing a wall now, what do I do??" Zam shouted into the phone mic while Kab talked some more about prices or whatever. "That's not left, that's backwards, Zam! I told you, lift your hands, make an L with your thumb and index finger and see which one looks like an actual L!"
"But look, see this one says L, right??" Zam raised the wrong hand in front of the camera. "No, doofus, the other one!" Squiddo groaned, then turned back to Spoke, who was now unwrapping a small bag of Sour Patch. "Spoke, do you know how to get home?"
"Uhh, it's like-" Spoke paused, trying to remember. "I think, like, out the station, and then, uh-" Slowly but surely, he listed off the correct directions. "Okay, because your stop is next. Enough bartering, c'mon-"
Squiddo managed to get Spoke to leave the candy and stand by the door, which she pushed him out of once they opened again. "You better get home, Spoke!" They yelled just before the doors closed again and they sped off.
"Zam, have you gotten home?" They say into the phone. "Whaa?" Zam replies. His FaceTime screen shows a very bad-quality shaky sky, and they can hear the wind in the background. "I said, have you gotten home yet?"
"Uhh, this is it right?" Zam slowly lists off tre numbers on the mailbox he's looking at. "No, the one two houses next to it, go right-" Squiddo corrects. "Which way's right again?" They groan loudly.
They instruct Zam on how to go right while again focusing on the subway map. They'll have to get off the train and switch to another line to get to Kab, Clown, Ash and Mapicc's stations. What fun.
"Yeah, right there- hang on, lemme find everyone, we gotta switch lines." Squiddo starts looking around for everyone. Clown's still by the door, scrolling through his phone, Mapicc is still sleeping on the bench they've dropped him on, Ash is still swinging, and Kab is- where's Kab?
"Kab! Where the heck-" Squiddo can see more clearly now that the subway car is mostly empty again, and they see that Kab is trying to wrestle open the door leading to the next subway car.
"Kab! Leave that door alone, that's dangerous-" Squiddo runs up to her and blocks her access to the door. "Whyyyy though?? I wanna see, lemme see!!" Squiddo had to drag her away from the door. "No, your stop is next and you cannot be falling onto the tracks and dying."
"But why not-" Kab started, but Squiddo was busy again already. "Hang on- Zam, are you home yet? I might need to use this for someone else-" They squint at the grainy imagery on their screen, trying to figure out if Zam's in the right place. "I think so, this is 3A right?" Zam held up the camera to the door plaque.
"Yeah, you should have the keys, just unlock it and go in. I gotta go now, bye-" Squiddo said, reaching for the End Call button. "Okayy, byeee!" Zam said cheerily, ending the call before they could press the button themselves.
"Alright Kab, listen to me- we're all gonna get off the train, so you need to go stand up front. I'll get the others-" Squiddo motions to one of the doors, and Kab, although grumpy, goes to stand by it, mumbling about how bossy they were.
"Alright, Ash- you need to get off there for real this time," Squiddo says while approaching Ash, who immediately looks hostile. "No, fuck off this is MY pole and you cannot steal it." Squiddo glared at him. "I'm not going to steal your pole, we're switching lines, so get off-"
Ash only sticks out his tongue again, so Squiddo is forced to precariously balance on the subway seat and try to tug him off. Eventually, they succeed, and they have to drag Ash to stand beside Kab before he can try to get up there again.
"Kab, can you do me a favor and hold Ash in place, please?" Squiddo asked. "Are you PAYING me??" Kab replied, giving them a pleading look, complete with baby-doll eyes. "Fine, I'll give you-" Squiddo fished through their jacket pocket. "Uh, this?" They pulled out a slightly faded unicorn pop-it. "Sure!" Kab immediately reached out and restrained a struggling Ashswag with a giant hug. "I'm gonna get that pop-it, Ash, you hear me?..."
Squiddo had already walked off, ignoring the profanity spewing from Ash behind them. "Clown, you can get out of the corner now-" Squiddo said, pointing towards the door where Ash and Kab stood. "Why? Are we going?" They nodded. "Okay..." Not looking up from his phone, Clown walked over and leaned on a pole beside the whirlwind that was Kab and Ash.
Squiddo lifted Mapicc over her shoulder again and led everybody off the train. The train they would be entering was 3 minutes away. "Alright guys, you just gotta wait 3 minutes, then we'll get on the train again," Squiddo assured everyone, draping Mapicc onto a nearby bench.
"Broo, I wasn't done swinginggg! Fuck you Kaboodleeeeee-" Ash continued cursing, actively trying to punch and kick Kab, who was very determined not to let him leave her grasp. "Uh uh, I WANT that pop-it..."
Clown had stopped scrolling for a moment to watch the two bicker, occasionally letting out an amused laugh or two. Squiddo admitted it was kind of funny, just watching them fight.
Their phone rang cheerily, and they pulled it out to see that Spoke was calling them. "Hey Spoke, what is it?" Sounding nervous, Spoke replied, "Uh, I might be a little lost- I turn left at Gateway, right?" Squiddo sighed. "No, you turn right..."
The rest of their time was spent helping Spoke out, at least until the train arrived. Then they had to pick up Mapicc again and get everyone on the train again, which was fun with Ash still making a fuss.
"Okay, yeah turn that way- hang on, I need to see who's getting off next-" Squiddo looked up at the new map. "Clown, Kab, you'll be getting off next! Better get ready," she called across the empty subway car.
"What about my pop-it?" Kab exclaimed, loosening her grip on Ash for just a moment. He took the chance and escaped, running to the opposite end of the train car and sticking up both his middle fingers. "I'll give it to you before you go- you know how to get home, right?"
"Uhh, yeah- it was like, turn this way-" Kab points in the exact opposite direction from her house. "Ugh, that's a no- Clown! You can get home, right?" Squiddo called to Clown. They barely registered his nod. "Can you help Kab get to her house, please?" Another nod. "Alright, thanks- your stop's here, actually-"
Squiddo shoved the pop-it into Kab's hands and watched as Clown and Kab exited the station, with Clown pointing up the stairs and saying something they couldn't make out over the roar of the train leaving the station. It was just them, Ash and Mapicc now. They'd finished instructing Spoke by now, so they could just worry about the people actually present.
"Ash, I think your stop's next- okay, that's enough with the swinging!" Squiddo ordered. Ash was back trying to get on the nearest support pole. "No, screw you Squiddoo-" Ash was cut off by Squiddo dragging him off the seat he was standing on. "hEy!"
"C'mon Ash, you're not 5- you can get home, right?" Squiddo asked, pushing him towards the door. "No, but I can get an Uber, like a normal person..." Ash said, rolling his eye. "Oh yeah, forgot about that. Do that then, here's your stop-"
The train slowed with a squeak of brakes, then stopped. The doors slid open, and Squiddo watched Ash walk out, still a little shaky. "Bye Ash, remember the Uber!" Squiddo reminded him, and then the doors closed and it was just them and Mapicc.
They were surprised he'd remained asleep for so long, but then they realized they'd probably have to wake him up so he could get home. "Mapiccc! Wake up, you gotta get home-" Squiddo shook him, slapped him, dropped him on the floor, and none of it seemed to work. He was firmly lights-out.
"Ugh, now I gotta carry you all the way to your freaking house..." Squiddo looks up at the map. One more stop till they get off. "Fine, guess that's what we're doing." They haul Mapicc up and stand by the door to wait.
One stop later, Squiddo's standing on the eerily empty station platform. A rat scurries along on the track opposite them, sniffing beneath the rails. With great effort, Squiddo gets Mapicc up the stairs and onto the cool street.
The sky is starting to lighten- it's nearly 5 AM. Squiddo feels like their energy reserves are in the negatives, but they still continue on, half-carrying Mapicc down the sidewalk and towards his house. His sneakers drag along the pavement.
A few minutes later, they're standing outside Mapicc's house, and Squiddo is wondering how they'll open the door. They really don't want to dig through his pockets again, he's still fast asleep, and they don't know where he keeps his spare keys. Just great.
But maybe he wasn't as fast asleep as Squiddo initially thought, as while she was thinking, he slowly opened one eye, then the other. "Is it morning yet..."
"Oh, you're awake, thank god- it's pretty much morning by now, honestly. Go unlock your door- I'm too tired to keep carting you around." Squiddo sets him upright and points to his door.
"Gee, thanks-" Mapicc pauses to let out a gigantic yawn. "Personal delivery service to my house..." Squiddo would have snapped something rude back at him but he'd already disappeared into the gloomy interior of the little townhouse.
Squiddo opened their phone and checked the time on the home screen. 5:14 AM. They'd just hire an Uber, goddamn it.

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𝗮/𝗻: this took me SO FUCKING LONG I SWEAR (also editor bk added that kab got her pop-it finally, sorry kab lol) ☆ bk

𝐖𝐎𝐑𝐃 𝐂𝐎𝐔𝐍𝐓: 6250 😨