high rise hearts ☆ lifesteal smp au

𝐏𝐑𝐎𝐁𝐋𝐄𝐌𝐀𝐓𝐈𝐂 ✦✫

𝘁𝘆𝗽𝗲: angst (my first attempt at a songfic too)
𝘀𝗵𝗶𝗽𝘀: swagdoons
𝘁𝘄: (implied?) panic attack, small section with (mentions of?) suicidal thoughts
𝗿𝗲𝗾𝘂𝗲𝘀𝘁𝗲𝗱 𝗯𝘆: n/a
𝗰𝗼𝗻𝘁𝗲𝘅𝘁: ash, terrified of the concept of love, pushes away the one important person in his life before he can realize the mistake he's making

(ps: the lyrics are edited slightly so they fit the context. pls don't kill me lmao)

─── ⋅☆⋅ ───

𝐏𝐎𝐕: ash

his laughter's for another
his motions are disguised
sunglasses fail to cover what i see behind his eyes

Ash walks down the semi-crowded sidewalk, Redd close by his side. His warm hand is wrapped around Ash's, their fingers tightly intertwined, although the other man doesn't seem to think much of it. Ash does.
Redd's laughing at a joke he's made, and Ash laughs along with him, even though he doesn't remember what he said, too focused on his face. His lively eyes, hidden behind his characteristic shades, dart around the street, dancing from every window, every car, every lamp post, every person except for Ash.
"Yeah, he's crazy. Of course he fell through the awning, you're not supposed to be up there in the first place..." Redd rambles casually, gesturing with his free hand as he talks, even though the motions don't seem to connect with anything he says.
Ash lets him talk. He won't stop talking even if Ash tells him to shut up, because he's Reddoons and he's annoying as hell. So why the fuck is he walking down the street, holding his hand and listening to him like they're old friends...?

yes i know that nothing's wrong but what's the harm in asking why?
i know that you're not tired, where the fuck were you tonight?

Ash is sitting on the couch, scrolling through his phone, immersing himself in the messages on the screen to distract himself from the real world. Redd had said he'd be coming over (no reason was provided), but he was late.
He wasn't worried, no. Just wondering what he could be doing, to avoid messaging him for a good three hours about where the hell he was, not picking up his calls or even acknowledging he was late.
So when he finally burst through the door, usually pristinely styled hair thrown askew by the howling wind outside and suit soaked with rain, he can't help but be suspicious of him.
"Where the fuck were you? I've been trying to text you, you're hella late." He sits up, turning towards Redd and raising an eyebrow. His phone, still warm in his hand, drops onto his lap forgotten.
"Yeah, uh sorry- I ran into traffic and the rain-" He shakes his head with a chuckle, and Ash notes he's shivering, probably because of how wet he is. "Couldn't text you, had to concentrate on driving."
"I asked Mid and she said you'd texted her you were coming." Ash replies, almost accusingly. Redd, still drying himself, looks up at Ash again as if he finally realizes what he's trying to ask.
"That was before the storm hit, I texted her before I left 'cause she wanted me to help her out with- what was it? Building the drawers she ordered, yeah." He says this all a little too quickly for Ash's liking, as if it's a well-rehearsed lie.
But he doesn't press the matter any further. "Oh. Okay. Do you need a towel?"
"Yes, please. And maybe a hug, I am freezing."
"Sorry, those are out of stock."

baby, let me be, take my noose and set me free
light my home on fire, take me higher than i wanna be

Ash was curled up on his floor, cold sweat running down his forehead, cheeks streaked with salty tears as he dug his fingernails deeper into his palms, trying to ease his shaking.
He'd messed everything up, it was all his fault and now Redd was gone, he'd been so dumb and stupid and idiotic-
The static crackle of his glitches filled his head, and he concentrated on the sound, hoping it would overpower the flashes of his face, of the gravestone Ash would buy for himself, proclaiming his failure to the world, of the still-lingering memories of that moment.
He would have given anything not to be there, rolled into a ball and crying his pathetic eyes out, watching as blood blossomed from fresh cuts in his hands. But death would only take him to the respawn ward, and he knew no better way.