Breaking free

Episode 46

I'm currently in Mummy's room waiting for her to finish praying. Yesterday, something happened and I honestly just want to stay here but I know I can't .

He came back very late in the night and when he came into the room, he looked intoxicated . When this usually happens, I stay away from him and either sleep in my room or with the twins but yesterday was different.

He came in and began yelling at me, that he knows I don't love him and that I have someone by the side. I tried to calm him down but he only got angrier.

He finally left the room and I ran to the twins room and locked the door. Bamanga was in my hands as he was sleeping so I put him down next to Awwal because he is a peaceful sleeper not like Amma.

The house was really quiet so I guessed he must have left or passed out somewhere, I wasn't willing to check.

What bothered me was what happened that made him be like that. He has been good these past few months, especially after Baba died. He got a deal in his office and he was really excited about but also stressed out, after that, he was barely home.

He barely talks to me and is always venting his frustration on the kids.

I left the house today morning with the twins and dropped them off at school. I then went to see Mummy and I think it's high time I tell her what is going on. I am so tired and exhausted.

It's like he changes for some time but goes back to his normal ways. I want to give him the benefit of the doubt after that deep talk we had but it seems all the promises is going down the drain. If you love someone, you wouldn't want to hurt them. You will let them go even if it means them being free from you. I don't want to leave him because of the sake of Allah, my kids and also myself but when I look at the bigger picture, I see something bad happening and me blaming myself for not leaving earlier. I don't want any regrets and that's why I want to think this through and see if it is what I really want and what will benefit all of us.

Maybe I'm the most problem in his life. Maybe I'm the main obstacle in his journey because it seems like it's only with me he feels comfortable to do that to. Like I'll always be here no matter what happens, like I'm the plan B when plan A goes wrong. He is too relaxed, when you think you have something forever, you tend to neglect it or even forget that that thing or someone actually has feeling.

Mummy finished praying and folded her hijab.

She sat down next to me and held my hands.

" Tell me, what's bothering you?" She said. I narrated everything but skipped out on some personal things. I didn't go into detail but I told her the main things that made me want to consider the decision of divorce. By the time I was done, I was crying

" I'm so sorry my child, you deserve so much better. Why didn't you tell me earlier?" She cried and I looked down. I felt bad because she must have been feeling some type of way that her daughter was going through this and didn't tell her.

" I just didn't want to bother you with my own problems."

" Don't do that Faduma, you know you can tell me anything right?" She held my hand and I nodded.

" Don't ever keep something like this from me" She warned and I nodded.

" Now I'm calling your brothers, we are having a meeting. This can not go on any longer." She brought out her phone but I quickly sat up and held the hand she was holding her phone with.