Breaking free

Episode 59

The air feels heavy, like the calm before a storm. The bench we're sitting on is old and rough under me, its wood worn from years of weather. The river in front of us moves slowly, little ripples catching the light from the afternoon sun. The sky is starting to turn gray, clouds creeping in, and I can feel the wind picking up just a little.

He's sitting next to me, close enough that I can feel his warmth, but we're not touching. His hands are gripping his knees, like he's holding himself together. I keep twisting my fingers in my lap, tracing shapes on my Abaya without even thinking about it. We've barely spoken, both just staring at the water.

It's quiet, except for the soft sound of the river and the leaves moving in the wind. There's a faint smell of wet earth, the kind you notice after it's rained, even though it hasn't started yet. A bird calls out somewhere behind us, but it's distant, easy to miss.

I glance over at him, hoping he'll look at me, but his eyes stay on the water. My chest feels tight, like all the words I need to say are stuck there. I know this moment is going to change things, one way or another. I just don't know how yet.

" I just want to put it out here that I believe we are both mature to have this conversation and can handle things being said."

" Yes." He replied and sighed.

" Do you want to go first or should I?" I created more space between us so I could be more comfortable.

" You should."

" Okay. I want to say that whatever it is that made you treat me like that in our marriage, I don't even want to know. I don't know if you have a genuine reason or even a reason at all but I think it's better that I don't even know.

I don't hate you Ahmad, not anymore. For every word, touch, insult you have sent my way, I have forgiven you. It wasn't easy and it still isn't easy but Alhamdullilah.

Being married to you wasn't the worst sometimes but it was most of the time. I felt belittled, small, fragile like I had to walk around eggshells when you were present. I was never comfortable and I still I'm not but that's not the point. I honestly don't know what I ever did to you and if I actually did something that made you feel that deep animosity towards me, that you went to the lengths of physically hurting me, then I am sorry.

I'm not apologizing because I'm saying it's my fault you were like that to me, I'm apologizing for my own peace of mind.

I wake up everyday thinking that I will see you sleeping by my side. It's been what...A month, two months? But I have still not forgotten. You were my routine Ahmad, daily routine. Yes you are no more in my life like that and even though I desperately want to forget you, I can't. Those kids remind me everyday, they are so innocent and don't even know what's going on and I want it to stay like that.

You are the perfect father to them and I want it to continue like that. They don't need to know what happened but obviously when they get to a certain stage in their lives, we will both sit them down and talk about it in a respectful way. We are co-parenting here and we need to work together for the interest of those children. I will say that I know you want them to be with you more but I just can't, you need help to get through this challenging problem in your life and I'm aware you are getting that help, right?" I spoke and he nodded.

" Well that's good and I pray you get better Insha Allah. This won't be the last conversation we have but I just hope this is a starting point to a healthy umm, relationship I think, or let me say partnership to be the best we can be for them. I think that's all I wanted to say, do you have something to say?" I asked and he slowly nodded.

Ahmad shifts uneasily, his hands clasped together, as he glances at me before letting out a deep breath.

"I've replayed this conversation in my head so many times, but nothing I say feels like it's enough. I know I can't undo what I've done, but I need you to hear this. I need you to know how sorry I am.