Hopeless - A Powerless Fanfiction

Kai

"Mak, can you...leave?" He looks at me like I've gone mad, and doesn't move, instead of asking him again I plead with my eyes, hoping it shows and says everything my words never could. That must've done something because he finally nods his head in annoyance and backs away from the room after giving me and Paedyn a last glance.

"Five minutes, nothing more, okay?" Mak mutters, leaving the room so only me and Paedyn remain.

She looks confused, even slightly scared, but I mainly see anger in those eyes of hers. Those eyes which once used to be an ocean I would willingly drown in, now icicles which are threatening to freeze me with every second longer I stay in her sight. It pains me to think how much she hates me. How fake our whole relationship has been this whole time. How much I thought I could trust her. How much I love- no, loved her. 

"You asked me how it feels to lose everything. To be nothing. To be powerless. To be... used." 

She doesn't say anything to that, and I can see an ocean of emotions in her eyes, not that I bother to decipher them. 

"I'll tell you how it feels, it feels horrible. Knowing that I can't trust anyone. Not even the one person I wanted to trust the most. The one person I wanted to run to the most. I thought I could trust you; I thought you loved me too, but I guess I was wrong," I pause for a few moments and look into her eyes to see if anything has changed, her face doesn't reveal much, but for a split second I see a crack in her mask. I see an emotion I can't quite place, was it regret? "I don't know how I could be so stupid; I gave you my heart every single time, and every single time you returned it back to me shattered, leaving me to pick the pieces up and fix the mess that you made, but the saddest part isn't even that. No, the saddest part is that I know I'm naive enough to give you my heart one more time, and even if you shatter my heart one more time, I know I'd still apologize for letting my heart break in your hands once more, for letting my heart drench your hands with my blood once more, for letting my heart coat your hands with my unrequited love once more," I whisper the last words so quietly that I can barely hear myself now, her emotions become clear as a bell as soon as I whisper the words 'unrequited love' , I can see sadness, worry, concern, regret and so many other emotions plastered clearly on her face. 

It's too late for that, or at least that's what I try to convince myself.

"Kai, I didn't mean to-" 

"No, don't... please don't. Don't bewitch me with your damn words. With your damn voice. With those damn eyes of yours. Don't. Not again. Just answer one question for me. Just one. That's all I want. I don't want any more excuses; I just want a single answer. Yes or no." 

She quietens, and doesn't try interrupting me or continuing her sentence, instead she nods to me prompting me to ask the question. 

"Was it ever real? Was any of it real? I need to know now. Was it all just a game to you? Did you ever really love me? Were any of those kisses real?" she takes a step back and I take a step toward her, the little dance continuing till her back hits the wall, and my hands are either side of her effectively caging her in. "Paedyn, I need to know...please. Was any of it ever real? Or did my heart really try to reach out to another heart that never belonged to me? A heart that never longed for me. A heart that never existed anywhere except in my dreams." I take a deep breath, finally asking the question I had been pondering for so long, ever since she had killed my father, after a while I assumed I knew the answer to those question, I assumed that she also loved me, but the feelings had resurfaced when I realized she still didn't trust me, she didn't trust me enough to tell me she wanted to kill my brother. I wait in suspense wondering how she'll answer.

A small naive part of me wishes that she'll say yes that everything was real. That she loved me back. That she meant every single one of those things. Every single one of those kisses. 

Because, even if she says no, I know my heart will never be able to stop chasing her, no matter how many times I try to convince myself I don't love her, and I'm scared of what my feelings could do to me. I'm scared that my feelings for her will weigh me down. I'm scared of so many things.

But I think the thing I'm most afraid of, is losing her. Of losing her trust. Of losing everything we built.