Hopeless - A Powerless Fanfiction

Paedyn

My eyes flew open.

The first thing I notice is an arm, a muscular arm around my waist. One that doesn't belong to me. I can hear someone's breathing, it's not mine. My back is resting against the chest of the person hugging me. 

Kai.

I thought he was annoyed at me, he seemed to be yesterday, after I had lost his trust. I was still pissed at him for not listening to me. 

"What the hell are you-" 

He's lifted his hand off of me, indicating that he's awake.

I try again, "What the hell-"

"Shh" 

My mouth falls open at his ridiculousness. "I'm waiting for a better explanation than that, Azer" 

"Easy Gray" A hand brushes my hip, causing me to take a sharp intake of breath, he chuckles at that.

Then he finally says "You were having a nightmare; and I came to check if you were okay, you definitely weren't so I stayed" 

"You say that as if you actually care about me" I scoff at his statement, after last night.

"No, but I do care about my sleep, and you shouting and screaming definitely didn't help at all" 

"How chivalrous" I reply dryly, before rolling off the mattress, and getting up.

"Plagues" he chuckles "You really aren't a morning person, huh?" 

I just shake my head in reply and grab a pair of new clothes and make my way to the bathroom. I turn the shower on, and step into it, not bothering to wait for it to warm up.

The cold water hits me, waking me up instantly, and my thoughts wander to when I woke up, he was lying next to me.  I would be lying if I said I didn't slightly enjoy it. His arms were warm and firm around my waist, I wish I had spent another moment memorizing the feeling. I wonder if he felt the same way. 

As I exit the shower and change into a new pair of clothes, I try pushing the thoughts out of my head, but with no success. Once I'm done, I open the door and notice that the room is empty.

Where did he go? 

He probably went downstairs to greet Mak or use the bathroom downstairs I suppose. I decide to do the same, and make my way downstairs, once I'm halfway down I can already hear the two of them whispering to each other. I try to eavesdrop on their conversation, but with no success, so I go nearer, with my back against the door of the dining room, so they can't see me, and put my ear to the door.

"You have to understand that she didn't mean to-"

"Enough. We both know if she truly loved me, she'd be able to trust me, wouldn't she?" 

"Kai, it's not that simple, and you should know that better than anyone else." 

"No, Makoto, you don't understand, I thought I could trust her, but obviously my trust means nothing to her, what is love without trust? It's toxic. It's unhealthy. It's useless. It's not something I want." 

My heart breaks, as I listen to the words leave his mouth with such disgust. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. The three words repeat in my head, till I can't think about anything else. It's all my fault. I should've trusted him. I should've. I should've. I should've.

But I didn't.

I haven't been able to trust anyone except Adena for years. But Adena's gone now. I know I can trust Kai, but I just didn't want to hurt him. I wanted to tell him, of course I did, but I just didn't know how.

A small sob escapes from me, and I try to cover my mouth but it's too late, they've both heard me. I can hear one of their footsteps approaching the door, and I find myself acting on instinct and diving underneath one of the nearby tables, which is covered with a tablecloth big enough to hide myself. 

"Gray?" It was Kai's voice. "Gray, I know you're there; I know you heard the whole conversation; you can show yourself," I still don't show myself, keeping my breathing quiet, so he can't identify me, "Don't make me drag you from under the damn table into the dining room," he growled. 

Crap. He knew I was under here. How did he even know I was here? There were so many other places I could be, I couldn't believe this. The tablecloth suddenly flew up, and before I could say anything I was over his shoulder. I tried fighting against him, but his grip was too strong, so I finally gave up, till he set me down on one of the chairs in the dining room, and I tried kicking him in the groin, but he caught my leg and shook his head, annoyance painted all over the features of his face. The storm in his grey eyes was violent, I almost felt myself shaking at the sight.

Next to him was Makoto, whose facial expressions gave nothing away, he seemed fully neutral. "What the hell were you doing eavesdropping on us?" the words came from Kai, whose eyes were glued to mine, not with the usual affection and love but rather anger and betrayal.  

I don't bother answering his question, he already knows exactly what I was doing and why I did it, it was a stupid question, instead I ask him another question," tell me, enforcer, how does it feel? To lose everything? To lose everyone? To be nothing. To be powerless. To be used." the words which escape my mouth sound nothing like me. They sound horrible. They're coated in blood, pain, sadness and worst of all in hatred. Hatred for this kingdom. Hatred for his kind. Hatred for him. 

As soon as I say it, I regret it, but I can't take it back. His eyes seemed to search mine, for something, for some kind of emotion, for something to tell him I didn't mean what I said. He didn't find it. Not this time. This time hatred is the only thing my eyes show, and he has to look away. This time I'm not going to be weak. This time I won't make the mistake of loving him. This time he will not be my Achilles heel.

 Once before, I promised to be his undoing. It feels like a lifetime ago, but I still remember. I remember it vividly. I don't think I'll ever forget that day. I had a dagger to his throat, when I made that promise. 

And I shall make good on that promise.