Knock Again, Professor [GL• #1]

Chapter 34

I've been reflecting on Patrick's words for several days now, and as a result, I'm unable to look at her gaze. I find myself avoiding eye contact, concealing my own eyes as a way to escape from the harsh reality we both need to face.

"Let's talk, Lane!" inis na sigaw niya sa akin. Kanina pa niya ako sinusundan at pilit ko rin siyang iniiwasan. Iniisip ko kung saan magsisimula lahat at paano sasabihin sa kaniya ang mga iniisip ko.

Kinuha niya ang kamay ko, dahilan para mahinto ako sa paglalakad. "Umalis ka na!" sigaw ko kay Sam, nagulat siya sa sinabi ko pero agad ding nakabawi nung magtama ang paningin namin.

"What's wrong with you? Hindi mo manlang ba ako pipigilan o ihahatid?" tanong niya sa akin. Nagpaalam siya umalis ng Mina de Oro to fix some things utos ng pamilya niya, sa Cebu ito malayo at hindi ko na rin itinanong kung ano iyon. Pero kinakabahan din ako dahil, baka palabas lang ito para ituloy nila ang plano.

"Leave now, and don’t ever come back!’ sigaw ko sa kaniya, and my words caused her to freeze in her tracks, stunned by the intensity of my outburst. As I watched her face, I felt a deep ache in my heart when I saw how her emotions shifted so suddenly. The pain in her eyes was unmistakable, and it was evident that my words had hurt her deeply, just as they had wounded me. Ayaw ko siyang saktan, pero kung ito lang tanging paraan to push her away, ay gagawin ko.

"Hindi na, hindi na ako aalis kung ganyan ka. What's wrong ba with you?" pag-uulit niyang tanong sa akin at hini-hila ang kamay ko I look away trying to hide the pain I am feeling right now. Gaya noon ay sumasakit na naman ang dibdib ko kapag nakikita siyang iiyak.

"Walang problema sa akin, pero sa'yo meron!’ I shouted again with frustration. "I can’t give you the life you had before we met, and I can’t provide for your basic necessities. I can’t offer you the food you used to eat at your golden table , and I can't give you anything that you used to have. All I’ve given you are stress and difficulties as you’ve tried to adapt to my life, which clearly isn’t suitable for you!" I yelled at her, my voice quivering with each word, and I fought hard to keep my tears from falling. It was painfully evident that the burden of our struggles was taking a toll on both of us, and my heart was breaking at the realization of how much pain my words were causing. Hindi ko gustong sabihin ang mga salitang iyon pero I left no choice.

"Ganun ba tingin mo sa akin?" nanginginig na tanong niya at may luhang tumulo sa mga mata. She was tightly holding my left arm. "Ganun ba kababaw ang tingin mo sa akin, huh? Lane?" pag-uulit niya at marahas na pinawi ang mga luha, napa-iwas naman ako ng tingin sa kanya as I felt my heart ache, because of that.

"Wala akong kakayahan para ipaglaban ka, mahirap ako at student mo lang,"  she cut me off.

"No, Lane!" umiling siya sa akin. "You were my everything, hindi problema sa akin kung anong meron ka, I don't care if kumain tayo walang ulam, I don't care kung tumira tayo sa nipa hut, I can eat with my hands, I can eat sa banana leaves, I don't care about anything, hindi problema sa akin, basta kasama ka." umiiyak niyang sabi na mas lalong nagpakirot sa puso ko.

"That's stupidity, Sam!" sigaw ko sa kaniya at muli siyang tiningnan. "Because I care about everything, it made me feel so insecure about my life, na pe-pressure ako dahil sa'yo, you've done a lot of things in your life samantalang ako marami pang hindi nagagawa," pagsumbat ko sa kaniya.

"I'm sorry if you feel that way." umiiyak niyang bigkas. Sa pagluha niya ay nahihirapan siyang makapagsalita. "Baby, I  can help you achieve your dreams," masuyo niyang sabi. "Together we can achieve everything," I cut her off.

"Umalis ka na, pagbalik mo nalang tayo mag-usap." nanginginig ang boses na sinabi ko sa kaniya. Umiling siya sa akin.

"No, hindi na ako aalis." may paninindigan niyang sabi.