Born A Weapon

filthy hands leave dirty marks

26-07-1996
Tw:sexual assault/mentions of suicidal thoughts and drug use/abuse

(This one is graphic so read at your own risk and dont hesitate to skip this chapter if it's to much)
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Ever since my schoolyear had been abruptly ended and the summer had begun I'd been cooped up in my room drawing or sleep in the remnants of my girlfriends last touch I didnt bath for a while scared to wash her off of me

But I knew eventually I had to wash and when I did I stayed in the tub for a full 2 hours laying there staring at the black ceiling and counting the forest green tiles on the thick concrete walls of the prison I'd been assigned at birth

I listened to the voices in the mansion and the sounds of the floorboards and the occasional slamming of a cupboard door or someone walking upstairs
My fingers pruning in the water like I was aging infront of my eyes my cold naked body laying limply in the cold bath water I hadnt even bothered to turn on the warm water

I loved how the cold numbed my body like the tramadol had while it wasnt as effective as the tramadol the cold feeling of my thin skin made my body feel infinitely less uncomfortable then always
Maybe because for once in my life I didnt feel his disgusting hands running down my body

I reached over the tub and dried my hands then picked up the lighter and my pack of cigarettes I lit one up and relaxed as I felt the smoke enter my lungs

I heard people chatting on the other side of the wall but I couldn't make out who or what it was that they where talking about but the muffled mumbling sounded like the thick womb that had once formed me from sperm and a cell

As I peeled my pale cold body from the bottom of the tub listening to the faint gurgling from the water draining through the black holes in the drain I wrapped my body in a towel and stood in the mirror I stared at my body and my face and my hair

Every flaw in my body became so extremely painfully obvious to me that I wanted to stick my fingers down my throat and throw up but that would be obviously ineffective as I hadnt eating in 3 or 4 days and it would only make the collarbones on my chest stand up more then it already did

I put my cigarette out on the ashtray next to the toothbrushes on the black marble counter
I slumped into my room towards my closet to find something to wear
I would have normally tried to make an outfit that coordinated but today I grabbed the first pair of Jean's and a shirt I could find
I sat down on my bed and put on my socks when something bumped against my head

Oh yeah...I better take down that rope from last night
I did so and then slowly made my way to the door glancing at my bed and wishing I could disappear in it once more but I knew I had to at least try to live through this vacation

I walked down the long hall to the living room my feet hitting the floorboards with small thuds and my gaze going over all the elaborate paintings on the walls
Some of them where of draco or of old relatives but a few where of me or my parents
I hated them they reminded me of days before this one

Days where I had been dolled up and pushed infront of a painter and made to sit still and look pretty for the painter man
He painted the way my hair moved and the way my dress lay but he removed the tears in my eyes and the thick purple bruise on my face from where lucius' cane had collided with my face

I involuntarily flinched and sped up my pace to get to the living room
I sat down on the couch and sighed to myself as I stares at the glum green and black furniture in the home once bright and lively with the imagination of a child but now clouded by memories of my mother passing out on them or my father slamming his large fist on them

At that moment the "tick thud" of lucius and his cane grazed my ears and a shiver went down my back and I wished and begged to all things holy that he would leave me alone and just grab something or pass the room but the luck wasnt in my favor

The stark white of his hair was in contrast with the black suit he wore his eyes had small faint dark rings under then from lack of sleep or stress his face smattered with stubble from clear self neglect

He walked towards me cane in his left hand and the other balled up tight enough to make the knuckles turn white
He sat down on the couch next to me with a small grunt and he rubbed his forehead with his boney hand which was decorated with thick silver rings

I turned my face away from him and pulled my legs up and put my arms around them
I didnt leave
Now looking back I wonder why I didnt run from the room

He turned his face to me and smirked
"Dont be shy darling"
The sickening tone in his voice and the stupid smirk on his face should have been my cue to run to leave and dont look back but my body froze up

He leaned towards me and put his hand on my leg
"Come on now look at me beautiful"
My body froze up like an ice sculpture
The warm of his skin seeping into mine felt more like resting my hand on a stove and I wanted to pull back my leg but I couldnt
I sat there staring out the window my body locking in place like a statue in baggy jeans and an old shirt

His hand rubbed over my thigh for some time and he continued grinning at me he shifted his body closer to me the couch creaking as he did so
His hand went up my thigh and I could hear the alarms screaming in my ears telling me to run or fight

My body still frozen in place like my own little prison as his hand went to the zipper of my pants and then made it's way onto my underwear rubbing the lower bit of my stomach and pulling at the elastic of my waistband

I could taste the vomit building up in the back of my throat as it closed up my breathing speeding up as I tried to move my frozen body but I couldnt bring myself to do anything

His hand slipped under my waistband making a tear stream down my face and I could feel my leg shake from the sudden contact with the most vulnerable place on my body my hand automatically going to my mouth as I bit down on my pinky finger something i had always done as a kid as a stress response I pushed his hand away with my other hand

"Stop it... stop it now"

He didnt stop and kept going deeper down my pants as I pulled on his sleeves and pushed him and tried to move my body away from him

With one big kick from my foot landing in his stomach his hand slipped out of my pants and I quickly did up my zipper and ran from the room to the dining room where my father sat at the head of the table

He looked up at me with his cold eyes as I sat down on the seat closest to him still not being able to utter a word of what just happened
I knew lucius wasnt opposed to being handsy in public but surely my father would be enough of a threat to keep him at bay

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(Again I wanna encourage you to take care of yourself and if you experience anything of the sort please talk to a trusted adult or a professional)