Doomed From The Start: A Marriage Agreement

chapter 33: The aftermath of one's choices

                      A R Y A

I woke up to the soft light of morning filtering through the curtains. A gentle breeze drifted in, causing me to groan and stir awake. Something weighed heavily on my chest, and when I opened my eyes, I found Jaanvi nestled against me. Her warmth was a comfort against the cold morning air.

I must have dozed off holding her. There were no nightmares this time; it was as if Jaanvi’s presence had kept them at bay, her light too strong even for my demons.

I remembered holding her through the night, waiting until her breathing evened out and she fell asleep in my arms. Jaanvi clung to me even in her sleep, and I couldn’t bring myself to let her go. I wanted to hold her just as much, if not more, after everything that happened last night. A selfish part of me delighted in the thought.

When Jaanvi had looked at me with those eyes—so vulnerable, so full of need—and asked me to touch her, to hold her, I lost all sense of control. There was nothing else in that moment, just her and the storm raging inside me. I had selfishly given in, allowing myself to forget everything else because all I could think about was her, wanting me, needing me. Something inside me had snapped, and I gave in to my desires, kissing her, unable to stop myself from taking what I wanted.

Jaanvi hadn’t pulled away; she had melted into me, as if she had been waiting for that moment just as much as I had. Her surrender broke me, making it impossible to stop. I’d expected her to pull away, to remind me of everything that was wrong with this, but instead, she clung to me like I was her lifeline.

The way she looked at me, the way her breath hitched when I touched her, only fueled the fire inside me. I knew I should have pulled back before it went any further, but how could I when she was right there, wanting me just as much as I wanted her? Every logical thought evaporated the moment she leaned into me, and all that was left was the overwhelming need to be closer, to hold her tighter, to keep her with me for as long as I could.

I could still feel her lips on mine, so soft and warm, like they were meant to be there. The memory lingered, making my heart race.

I looked down at her, the soft rise and fall of her breathing, her hair spilling across my chest. She looked so peaceful, so vulnerable, so fragile.

And suddenly, the thought hit me like a punch to the gut. What was I thinking, kissing her like that when I couldn’t give her what she wanted? No matter how attracted I am to her, no matter how much I want her, I couldn’t be what she needed.

I am in love with another woman, and yet I kissed Jaanvi. What does that make me? What will she think of me?

And my promise to Tasha... Fuck, fuck!

I shouldn’t have kissed Jaanvi, shouldn’t have opened myself up to her like that. I shouldn’t have let it get this far. I had crossed a line I couldn’t uncross, and the worst part was, I couldn’t even bring myself to regret it. The taste of her lips was still fresh in my mind, and the memory of how she had responded to me was something I couldn’t shake. But it was wrong—so fucking wrong—and I had no idea how to fix it.

But somehow, I have to. I can’t let this continue; it’s not fair to either of them. I need to cut this attraction off. I have to put a stop to this before I hurt her even more. I have to be the one to draw the line, no matter how much it kills me to do it. Because the truth is, I care about Jaanvi too much to drag her into this mess, to let her get caught up in something that can only end in more pain.

But how do I even begin to do that? How do I look into those trusting, vulnerable eyes and tell her that we can’t go on like this? That whatever happened last night was a mistake?