I'll Track You Down

Just breathe Kali

A few minutes go by and just as Caspian said a woman wearing a white collared shirt, with a black tie to match her black pants comes in with my wheelchair. She's got a good five years on me.

Her thick black hair is braided and twisted into a bun. Her blue-gray eyes stand out against her chocolate colored skin.

"I'm Viviana, and I'll be assisting you while you're here." 

"Hello Vivana, I'm-"

"Kalisa, yes, I know. Caspian talks a lot about you." She lets out a laugh.

"Hopefully all good things I hope."

"Fortunately so." She walks over and rolls my wheelchair over to me. "What happened that made you need this?"

"Oh, I fell into a coma for a week, and I'm a little wobbly."

"Eh, I've seen worse. Now, let's get you ready." I scoot off the bed and roll myself to the wardrobe.

"Also, quick question Vivana, do you know why I'm here and how long I'm going to be staying here?"

"Ah, right. Caspian didn't tell you shit." Vivana breathes a sigh of frustration and confusion. "If he didn't say, I don't think I have clearance to disclose anything."

"That's okay." I look down at my feet, disappointed. I'm used to mystery, but I was foolish enough to think Caspian was a little different. I can stay in the dark for a little longer.
Vivana shoves clothes aside and places some on the bed.

I lean on the bedpost and let my thoughts carry me away. I don't even try to avoid the topic anymore, I can't, it's all I can think about. And I know if I try to push the thoughts away it'll only come back to hurt me in the end.

Nye is gone, I can't imagine how her parents and siblings are feeling, I've known Nye nearly all of her life and she's been keeping me together.

Helping me when I feel stuck, and even though I can't fully confide in her I wouldn't be where I am today without her.

God, why? My only friend. I sink onto the cushions of my wheelchair, the only reason she's dead is,

Because of me.

I'm the one who put her in danger. I'm the one that accepted the case. I'm the one who ultimately caused her to be targeted.

Even though I don't know why Malgrave killed Nye, I know it was because I put her in danger. I excuse myself to the bathroom, and lock the door behind me.

The walls grow taller as I fall down, my knees hit the marble floor, and my wheelchair rolls behind me and crashes into the wall. I just need to calm myself and keep my composure. But as my mind drifts off, all I feel is rage.

My bubbling anger has returned, I just need to keep it down a little longer, Vivana can't see this.

Nye please come back.

You're gone, and I'm broken.

I take the glass soap dispenser from the sink and smash it on the floor. It cuts my hands leaving blood trailing down my arms but I'm too far gone to care.

"Kalisa!" I hear Vivana shout. "Kalisa! Open the door!" Vivana pleads, she knocks harder and harder.

I feel fresh tears well up in my eyes. They stream down my face and down my cheeks, into my mouth and down my neck.

I punch the walls, leaving marks of red against the white paint. I don't stop there, I move to the shower and smash everything I can see.

I want the world and the heavens above to feel my rage. I scream out in anger. What has become of me? My breaths become quicker, louder and before I know it, I'm in the midst of a panic attack.

I cry harder than I ever have before, sobbing, yelling, wishing it was over, not just because Nye is gone but because everything I love is at stake.

Malgrave is a fucking murder, but he's a genius he won't hesitate to kill Decker, Apollo, and even Caspian that he shares a past with.

I stare at my hands and knees, blood gushes out but I pay it no mind. I lean against the wall wishing I could melt into it and disappear forever. Soon Vivana's cries grow softer, and the knocking vanishes.

Closing my eyes, I can stay like this forever, no one will stop me.

My breath slows but my thoughts don't allow me the leisure of escaping. I hear a quiet click and the door swings open, I turn my head to see Caspian looking at me with an unreadable expression, pity, sympathy, understanding, anger, I can't tell, and I don't care.

I turn away from him, not wanting him to see me in this state. I catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror, red eyes, puffy face, bleeding hands, dying soul. He crouches down beside me.

"Just leave me alone." I say through a sob. "Find someone else to partner with you, for now I give the fuck up." I whisper. "I have no one other than you, Decker, and Apollo, and you'll all die because of me too. I'll be the reason for your death." I heave breaths once again, and my heartbeat races. "Just go away." Caspian pulls me into a hug while I cry in pain, anger, fear, and shame. I try to push him away but he doesn't move at all. "Just leave! Go away Caspian, I don't want or need you here!" He puts a hand to my back, steadying my breath.

"Just breathe Kali." He says. "I've got you." I listen and try my best to control myself, once I've calmed down I look up at him. God I must look awful, there is absolutely no way he thinks I'm a qualified assassin.