I'll Track You Down

Calming down

Fuck, I ruined my reputation, the only thing I can do now is swallow my pride and apologize.

"I'm sorry Cas-"

"Don't you dare apologize." He says, lifting my chin. "None of this is your fault." I smack his hand away.

"YOU DON'T KNOW THAT! SHE WOULD'VE NEVER BEEN A TARGET IF IT WASN'T FOR ME!" I scream.

"Take your anger out on me." He whispers. "Don't do it to yourself. Now, let's get you cleaned up."

"The room-"

"Fuck the room." He says, putting one arm under my back and carrying me, into whatever infirmary he has in this mansion.

Vivana trails close behind, and I let myself slip away in Caspian's arms, letting my head hang, and not bothering to keep my arms and legs up. Caspian's pace quickens.

"Don't bother, I'm fine, I'm just so tired." He nods. "Caspian, I don't know if you want me here anymore, I can't control my emotions, it's unprofessional."

"I want you here, and you're in mourning, there's nothing to be ashamed of, you're just angry. You lost someone dear to you, there's no need to try and keep it all together, at least not while you're here." I'm swayed by his words but even at a time like this, especially at a time like this I have to remember not to lose sight of what's important.

I can't trust him, I bet he used the same charade to trick people when he was younger.
He's just a sweet talker.

Besides, I'm too smart for him anyways, all men are idiots. We enter a large room, with the walls and ceiling painted a light blue to match the waves crashing against the shoreline.

Someone cleans my cuts and bandages them up, it's all just a blur, all I'm thinking about is what would've happened if Caspian hadn't come just then.

I'm given a new wheelchair, and Vivana pushes me out of the room even after I insist that I can roll myself.

Even though I know Caspian doesn't want my apology I should give it to Vivana, she saw me smiling one minute and raging the next.

I can't imagine how she's feeling right now. She must think I put on a fake smile to trick her or something.

"I'm sorry Vivana, you didn't need to see that. I'll do a better job of managing myself in the future."

"Don't pay it any mind." Vivana says while looking straight ahead. "My goal is to help you, in any way possible. It would've been better if you were with me, so I could've calmed you down sooner before you hurt yourself."

"Do you often have panic attacks?" Caspian asks, looking even more concerned than before.

"Not typically, but I promise I'll be better if I do have them."

"No, that's not the case. I'm worried about you Kali."

"Don't be." I say through a sigh. "It's only going to put you in an uncomfortable situation, plus we have more important things to be concerned about, like Malgrave." Vivana shifts uncomfortably at his name.

"Can you just not focus on work for like, two seconds?!" Caspian asks. "You are going through something difficult, you can't just shove your thoughts away when you don't feel like dealing with them."

"That's rich coming from you." I snap, Caspian sighs knowing I'm right. It's good that he's coming to terms with himself but I'm not liking how similar we're turning out to be.

"Regardless, don't be afraid to ask for help." He says.

"Oh, how about I also take a dragon and fly it to the moon." I say sarcastically. "You're aware that I'm an assassin, feelings other than anger and sometimes confusion are the only things you can feel without being weak. I've spent my whole life on my own, and that's not about to change because of your sweet little, fairytale words."

Caspian massages his temples, most likely trying to ease the headache I've given him. Right, I'm the problem.

"Vivana, please take Kalisa to dinner, and help settle in when she gets back. I'll fill her in on everything tomorrow." Hearing him say my full name sets me on unease, maybe I went too far.

But it's the truth, he needed a taste of the real world and I'll be the one to deliver it to him if no one else does. Vivana nods, and when we take an elevator down, Caspian disappears into one of the massive rooms in this house.

Vivana leads me into a huge dining room, with high ceilings, sconces on the walls, and a long table draped in white occupying the middle. Food is displayed on silver platters and exquisite looking dishes, but even the sight of food makes me want to vomit, and I can't understand why. Vivana notices my unease and puts a hand on my shoulder.

"You don't have to eat anything you don't want to, but I recommend you eat something." I nod slowly, but I know I have no intention of following her suggestion.