Poetry By Me

My Anxiety

I have never been in love
At least not the love that leaves my heart dripping from a black ball point pen.
The love that drips ink on the paper
Like my mind is quite literally bleeding.
That leaves my heart thumping and shaking
Like the thunder I love so dearly
That sings me to sleep on nights I no longer believe in rest.
As rain patters my window like the tears the stream when we laugh a little too hard a little too late at night on a day we got a little too high.
High on life and dreams and death.
Then we crashed, not physically but we collided in some way,shape,or form.
I woke up drenched in sweat because that dream left me screaming at death.
No one ran because I never made a sound and my cat still slept at the end of my bed. Soft and sweet only to wake up and scratch my sister.
I don't drive, not as often as I should, because it doesn't feel right to hold everyone's life so hopelessly close to a fateful tragedy that will never happen.
But what if it does and what if it's my faults?
See I don't understand how to stop these thoughts
So I live with them pushed to the side until one day I began to cry.
How long it took for me to feel the pain I do not know but when I looked I saw the blood flowing from my arm. I had scratched myself to unfeel the pain or to feel something at all, I do not know.
The same way in which I do not know if life is real, and am I real? Is my old and broken high school real?
I hope so, I do.
But I have my doubts because I've seen the Matrix,
I've watched Keanu Reeves play the man whose world was never the same.
I believe in physics but not god
Even if one is more plausible the other is more powerful.
I don't speak but when I do I immediately wish
I had never said a word.
Words are powerful more so when used correctly, I am learning and I'm trying because I've been told I know how the use them.
They say I'm a leader, but I wish I wasn't. Even though I know that I am. I feel drawn to it, more recently than before, but now I have my squad
But I have never done this before.
But if I fail, what if I cry and embarrass myself in front of dozens of watchful eyes.
They prescribed me medication, we tested and tried and we think we found one that works.
They say I'm depressed and an anxious mess.
Well maybe just maybe this is my therapy.
My thoughts flow only when writing
Because I was never good at talking about my feelings.
I think I'm okay
I really do
I hope I'm okay
I truly truly do.

L.O.M