Behind the Scenes

Chapter 67

It has been over a month since I didn't recognized myself anymore.

Now I think I know why I'm almost having panic attacks. It seems like my mind can't process too much chaos right now. I'm too sensitive to noises and lights, it felt like my heart is going to expolde and I can't breathe.

Maybe one of the reasons is because my mind is experiencing trouble, thinking I can't have her the way I want, the way we used to. I thought I was strong enough to handle it. Choosing to shut everything down and not to think of whatever, is became my escape. I'm not excited to wake up anymore, I'd rather stay in my bedroom, and just.. doing nothing.

I didn't know that this kind of pain will make me disoriented, the Aiah that everyone knows who is a happy girl, very cool, relaxed and always have an answer to every question, is now having difficulty to trust herself in front of others.

There are times when I just want to say; whatever, I'll follow my heart and run to her but.. it's too late. The damaged already done and I want to believe that what I'm feeling right now is my karma.

Yes, you deserve to suffer, Aiah. You hurt her because you opted to hide the truth. There.. that voice again. The reason why I'm afraid is because of that voice who always reminded me how wrong my decision was.

Direk tried to talk to me but I just answered him that this is nothing to do with Mikha, I did what he wanted me to do, and now that I needed a break, I will get it or I leave the group. I'm still trying to preserve my respect so I chose not to talk to him for now.

I think I'm going crazy. Or maybe gone crazy already?

I can't even explain what exactly I'm feeling right now, thinking how I hurt Mikha without any valid reasons.. it felt so wrong. I just can't find the right emotion knowing I broke her heart, the pain is too much that it made me numb emotionally and physically.

Being her girlfriend is like heaven, I wouldn't want anyone else after I have experienced how to be loved by her.

She's a perfect partner and I love her, it will never change.

Imagine how she feels right now? She even begged me to just let her take care of me without asking anything in return. Every effort and time she gave is making my heart melt, and pretending not to notice it is killing me.

Maybe she deserve someone better, someone who's strong enough to fight for her.

"Mariah, anak?" I heard mom from behind.

"M-ma?"

"Drink this tea, it will help you feel calm." she said and set the cup on the side of my study table.

"Thank you, ma." I said, while playing with the pen in my hand, not looking at her.

I saw her in my peripheral view, she's examining me, my every move.. and I had to remind myself not to make her see.. what I'm really feeling right now.

Yes, even from my mom, I need to hide this. I don't want to make anyone worried of me anymore. I did this, I need to pay the price.

She sighed and held my other hand.
I guess even if I tried so hard not to make her notice, she will know, because she always knew.

"Aiah anak, I'm planning to cook your favorite pasta tomorrow and we are going to do it together, okay?" she still managed to asked, smiling.

I look at her, how I want to let her know what's really on my mind.

"Of course ma, I will."

"Good, and you will invite the girls to come over too."

I missed cooking with my mom, she's my teacher that's why I have a little bit of knowledge when it comes to this.