She'll never love me the same

The truth

Comment if u need clarification same old same old byeeeee enjoy! (Frl ask if ur confused abt smth cs i don't proof read very well and it's hard to catch my own mistakes 😭😭😭)VOTE AND COMMENT 🙏🏾!

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Two Months Later

Xolani's POV:

I don't know why I thought telling Madison would be easy. It was the last thing I wanted to do, but the more we spent time together, the more I felt like I owed her the truth. Like she needed to know. We'd always been honest with each other, even when it hurt.

And this... well, it wasn't pretty. I was scared for how'd she react.

I stood in front of Madison's dorm building, the rain falling around me. It wasn't too heavy, but enough to make everything feel a little blurry. My mind kept replaying all the shit I'd been running from, the truth that I had been hiding. I couldn't keep doing this. I needed her to know. I just didn't know how to say it.

When Madison texted earlier, she'd mentioned she'd meet me outside after class. I wasn't sure if I was ready for this conversation, but I couldn't pretend anymore. We couldn't keep acting like everything was normal when I had so much weight on me.

I checked my phone, biting my lip. It buzzed with another text from her: "I'm on my way. See you in a few."

I exhaled a breath I didn't realize I was holding.

I didn't even care that the rain was soaking my hoodie. I barely felt it. I'd spent too much time hiding my truth from her, from everyone. I needed to get this off my chest, or I was gonna snap. She deserved to know who I really was.

When Madison finally showed up, her hair messy from the rain, she smiled that smile I used to know so well, the one that always made me feel like things might be okay.

"Hey," she said breathlessly, wiping the water from her face. "Sorry I'm late, i almost bust my ass on the why here" she laughed a little.

I tried to laugh with her but I felt a lump form in my throat, but I pushed it down. This wasn't about me getting emotional. This was about telling her the truth. I had to say it. I had to.

"Can we sit down for a minute?" I asked, nodding toward the bench near the dorm entrance. Which had I covering so we wouldn't be getting wet anymore. I needed to focus, needed her to understand. This wasn't about the rain or the stupid shit I was hiding anymore.

We both sat down, the rain hitting the ground harder now, but I barely noticed it. My mind was elsewhere.

"I've been selling weed since I was 15," I blurted out, barely pausing. The words came out faster than I wanted, but I couldn't stop. "That's how I got a car. How I paid for everything. My place, my clothes, shit like that. I didn't have any other way. I couldn't exactly ask my parents for help."

She just stared at me for a moment, not saying anything. Her lips parted, but she couldn't seem to find the right words. And I couldn't really blame her. It wasn't like I had just casually decided to throw that out there. This was bigger than a bad decision; it was a survival instinct.

"I didn't know, Xolani." Her voice was soft, almost in disbelief. "I didn't know it was that serious."

"I didn't want you to know," I said, shrugging. "I didn't want anyone to know. I was trying to make it without looking like I was falling apart. I thought if I kept things together, people would think I had it all figured out. But I didn't. I've been barely getting by."

Madison nodded slowly, her brow furrowed. "But that's... that's a lot. I mean, you were so—" She paused, then corrected herself. "You were always so... strong. Like you had everything handled. I didn't see that side of you."

"I don't let people see it," I muttered, rubbing the back of my neck. "I don't like to let anyone in. It's easier to keep people at arm's length. But, you know, I can't hide it anymore."

The words felt heavy in the air. I was finally saying it. I was finally admitting everything to her.

"I got a car, a place, everything I wanted. I didn't have a choice." I paused, staring at the ground. "I thought about quitting it all the time, but I just couldn't. When senior year hit, when everything went to shit, I started slipping again. Started hurting myself. It was bad. I almost didn't make it through. Thats why I got the tattoo".

Madison looked at me, her eyes soft, like she was trying to process everything I was saying. I could see her thinking back to the times she'd seen me with wads of cash, the moments when I'd avoided telling her where it was from. I didn't want her to know any of it, but here it was, all out in the open.

"You always had money on you. I thought you were just..." She trailed off, but I knew exactly what she meant. She thought I had something else going on, something I wasn't telling her.

But I didn't know how to explain it without telling her everything.

"I was trying to survive, Madison," I said quietly. "And I needed something to remind me that I wasn't just... giving up. That tattoo, it was me holding on when I didn't think I could anymore."

She didn't say anything for a long time. She just looked at me, her expression soft, but there was something in her eyes that told me she wasn't judging me.

Then, slowly, she reached out and cupped my cheek, her thumb brushing against my skin gently, like she was trying to erase the years of distance between us.

"I'm glad you're still here, Xolani," she said, her voice barely above a whisper. "I'm really glad you're still here."

I could feel my chest tightening again, but it wasn't with shame or guilt this time. It was with relief. With the weight lifting from my shoulders. I always knew I shouldn't have been selling weed but it kinda just happened and then on top of that I've been smoking since 14, so it all just kinda fell into place. I still went to school and got decent grades. I just wanted the extra money at first I was doing it to save to give to my mom because that funeral costed her so much. Then I said fuck that and started making the money for myself to be able to do whatever I wanted. To make my sister proud of me. I failed to be the big sister she deserved. Her death really and truly hurt me so much. I'm still not done grieving because she did not deserve to be taken off this earth so soon.

"Thanks, Madison," I whispered, leaning into her touch. "That means more to me than you know."

Without thinking, I leaned in, closing the space between us. My lips met hers in the rain-soaked quiet, and for the first time in a long time, I felt like maybe, just maybe, I wasn't alone in this anymore.

When we pulled back, our breaths were shaky. Madison's fingers were still on my cheek, and I could feel her warmth even through the cool rain.

"Guess you won't be getting rid of me now, huh?" I said with a grin, my voice hoarse.

She smiled, shaking her head. "I'm not going anywhere."

And for the first time in so long, I believed her.

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Hers the chapter yall been waiting on. This was hard for me to write given the fact that I really do have sister that passed so young, so that was kinda touchy for me and I truly haven't fully grieved yet but I do everything for her I wanna thrive for her. Anyways goodnight guys 🩷🎀 😝😝

Thoughts on the book now?