All you need is love

Fans and flashbacks

I have been struggling with not cutting. However, since the night that the fans heard about it on group twitcam, I had only cut once. I missed the feeling of escaping, but I tried to stop myself every time. Clearly it didn't work every single time, but I tried. It had been two days since the twitcam where I explained everything; I still haven't been on twitter or media in general in order to avoid the hassle. The boys, Mia, my family and me all agreed it was for the best. I haven't exercised in a while either. There was no more sneaking out at 3 in the morning to run on a treadmill. Since there was no gym around, my only exercise was walking since I didn't enjoy running outside. I am not sure why, but I only like running on a treadmill, there was just something about it that I enjoy. Most people say it's the other way around, but not for me. It was about 3 and I had a small brunch since I woke up late. I was home alone since Mia was out at her new job. I wasn't sure if the boys were home or not, I didn't mind that I wasn't sure where they were 24/7, just as long as I could call them if I needed any help or the occasional dinner and movie night we all had. I changed into some pants and a t-shirt before pulling on my sneakers and jacket and headed outside. Before I got into the lift I checked that I had my phone, remembering what Mia said last time. I knew she wasn't home, but I took it in case she needed to call me about something.

It was a bit cold out but I was still enjoying it. I turned a corner and noticed some girls looking at me weirdly. I wasn't wearing a hat or anything so they probably recognized me. I just continues walking and played the music in my iPod a bit louder.

'Excuse me!' one of the girls called before running across the street, the rest following.

'Yeah?' I asked, taking out one of my earphones so I could hear them.

'You're Caitlin right?' one of the other girls asked.

'Yeah, I am,' I said, noticing these girls were about 16 years old. They were wearing way too little considering the weather and I would have been freezing if I was them.

'You're an attention whore aren't you,' one of the girls asked, the same one that said excuse me earlier.

'Um what,' I said, a bit confused.

'You are doing all of this to get some attention and to be famous and all of that shit. I bet jay doesn't even like you,' she continued.

'Thanks,' I said, a bit sarcastically, not really paying attention to what she was saying. I knew she was insulting me, but I thought I would be the better person and just walk away, so I turned away from her before she could say anything and continued walking.

'Did I say I was done?' she asked, following me along with the other girls.

'No?' I said, saying it as more of a question.

'Well, I didn't. You should kill yourself before I do it for you. You are so fat anyway that nobody should have to look at you, you deserve to have gotten raped,' she said. I will admit, that hurt, and the only thing I wanted at this point was to go back home and forget about it, but this girl had other plans. She grabbed my arm when I said bye and tried to walk away again.

'Bitch did you understand what I said?' she asked.

'Um yes, and I am done here, so if you would excuse me,' I said, grabbing my hand away. She grabbed my arm again and wouldn't let go this time.

'Just let her go Tayla,' one of the girls behind her said.

'What did you say?' the girl, I'm assuming her name was Tayla, turned to face the girl who just said that. She held her grip on my arm still.

'She hasn't done anything wrong. She is Ian and Daniels sister you shouldn't be rude to her. She didn't do anything to deserve you to do this to her,' the girl said, speaking up a bit. The rest of the girls looked a bit confused before agreeing .

'Fine, she can go get herself raped again for all I care,' the girl said before letting go of my arm. I mouthed a thank you to the other girls before turning and walking into the nearest café, which was only half a block away. I went in and ordered a hot chocolate before sitting down in a corner seat and crying. My arm hurt from where she was gripping me and I kept hearing her voice telling me to kill myself and get raped over and over again. I knew as soon as I got the first flashback that I was going to have a panic attack so I took out my phone and called Mia. She didn't answer so I called her again before dialing jay's number. I kept seeing the girl, sometimes I wasn't even sure if she was actually in front of me or not. tony finally answered the phone.

'Hey, what's up?' he said.

'I... I think... I am going to have a panic attack ,' I said.

'Please come here,' I said, a bit faster.

'Where are you?' he asked.

'Please hurry I keep getting flashbacks and I just can't... I just... I don't know,' I said as the tears flowed down my face after telling jay where I was. He said he would be here in a few minutes since he was going to take his car. I kept seeing things from that night, the night when I got raped. I keep seeing his hands and hearing my screams and his laughter. If that wasn't bad enough, now I had that girl's voice telling me to kill myself and that I deserved it. My heart was beating fast and breathing was becoming more and more difficult. Everything was blurring and I was just scared.

'Caitlin! Caitlin!' Jay called as he ran into the café. I noticed that to my left there was a waiter who was looking concerned.

'Do you know her?' the waiter asked.

'Yes I do, Caitlin come here,' jay said before pulling me up out of the chair and into a hug. I didn't even try to hold back the tears and I clutched onto his shirt and cried.

'Babe, what's wrong,' he whispered into my ear.

'This... this... girl... and she... was... and... flashbacks... and I just...' I said in between sobs.

'It's okay, everything is okay,' he said while rubbing circles into my back.

'Come on, let's go home,' Jay said and we made our way into the car. After a bit of breathing exercises and relaxing I told him what happened, only to start crying again. I felt bad for jay since it was nearly 7PM and I was still just crying and talking to him. I kept apologizing for it but he was just insisting it was fine.

'Caitlin, it's okay. You know I'm here for you. I love you, remember that,' he said, before kissing my forehead. I was so tired, I didn't even realize that was the first time he had those words it before I fell into a deep sleep