All you need is love

Panic attacks

'Caitlin are you okay?' a familiar voice said. My vision was still a bit blurry but I was feeling better. I could hear the faint noise of music in the background and it was chilly so we were obviously outside.

'Caitlin, do you want to go back to the hotel?' the voice said. I immediately recognized the person in front of me.

'I'm feeling okay, and yeah I can find my own way back; thanks by the way,' I said.

'No, I'm coming with you,' jay said.

'No, someone needs to stay with the boys,' I said.

'They can find their way back,' he said.

'Alright fine,' I said finally giving in.

We went into the club to tell the others that Jay and me were leaving, to which they just told us to go. Ian didn't even notice that anything was wrong like he usually would, he was clearly too drunk to give shit.

In the car-ride back, it was quiet, until jay broke the silence.

'So how long have you been having panic attacks?' he asked.

'Why do you think it was a panic attack?' I asked him innocently.

'My sister used to have them, trust me I know what one looks like. So how long?' he asked.

'A few years but I have only had 2, well counting this 3,' I said.

'Do you know why?' he asked.

'Yes.'

'Do you want to talk about it?'

'Not yet, even my brothers don't know about them. Mia is the only one who knows, and until I saw my family again, she didn't even know why. Or she did, but she only knew half of it,' I said.

'Okay,' he said.

The conversation ended there and we arrived at the hotel. As usual, there were fans at the front but thankfully jay knew a back entrance so that we could avoid all of the chaos.

We got into the apartment and I sat onto the couch and thought.

'are you a good listener?' I asked.

'Depends, why? Do you have something to tell?' he asked.

'Yeah, I want to tell you everything. I feel like somebody needs to know the full story,' I said.

'Why me?' he said.

'I feel like I can trust you I guess,' I said.

He sat down beside me and I told him everything. I told him about how ian's friend, Rory, raped me, how I ran away and tried to kill myself, how Mia saved me, how I kept getting flashbacks when I am around places where people touch me and I can't get away, how I started getting panic attacks after the flashbacks. I didn't make it through without crying like I hoped. I ended up in a mess while cuddling jay He was quiet during the whole thing and I knew that he didn't know what to say. This is why I didn't like to tell people. I didn't want them to feel that they have to feel pity for me. I didn't want to be treated differently.

Instead of saying sorry like everybody else I had told; he said something that nobody has ever said before.

'You deserve better,' that is what he said. He didn't say sorry after it or say how mean that person was. He didn't say that he felt bad and wanted to hurt Rory. He just said that I deserve better. It seems like such an obvious thing to say; yet nobody had said it before.

After a while I calmed down and looked at him and thanked him.

'What for?' he asked.

'For listening, for not running away, for not feeling sorry for me, just for being you,' I said.

After that it was quiet again for a while, it wasn't awkward. It was a comfortable silence. We were both deep in thought.

'Promise me that you will tell me when you feel a panic attack coming on,' jay asked.

'Promise me Caitlin,' he said more sternly.

'I promise,' I said into his shirt, and I intended to keep that promise. I didn't feel as alone anymore. I felt that I had somebody, somebody who I could tell anything.