You're not alone

Old Me

Lucifer was sitting in his chair with tear marks on his face, having just endured the harsh words Lilith had said to him, half the time he doesn't understand why he's still with her, until she very clearly reminds him that no one else would ever love him.
"Sitting there crying..and here I was thinking you couldn't get any more pathetic" Lilith said as she walked in and stood in front of Lucifer with her arms crossed.
"How wrong I was" she said with a scoff before walking past him. It was just another day for lucifer, she had broken down his spirit to the point where he just rolled over and took it, didn't try and fight or argue against her. Lucifer was brought from his thoughts as he felt something on his leg, looking down he couldn't stop a smile as he reached down and picked up young Charlie.
"Morning my little appleseed" he said as she giggled some at this. His enjoyment was quickly interrupted by lilith's hands grabbing Charlie and plucking her from his arms.
"Can't have you getting distracted, you have work to do" she said in a smooth tone, she knew he'd never do anything, especially when Charlie was present, he watched in despair as Lilith walked away with Charlie before he slumped back down in his chair all alone yet again.
Sitting up in bed with a startled gasp, looking around the room he realized he wasn't in his castle but in his room with Alastor asleep beside him. He sighed out as yet another night of sleep was lost to nightmares now thanks to Lilith. Looking over at his clock he read 1:03am and groaned out as he put his head down in his hands for a moment before getting up to use the restroom, sleep never came again for Lucifer as he laid in bed staring at the ceiling until Alastor finally woke up to the kids crying in the cribs. Lucifer stayed there and let Al go and handle it partially because he wanted to learn and do it himself to help Lucifer out, and also he just didn't feel like getting out of bed either.
About an hour later everyone was down in the lobby, 8:40 in the morning and everyone else was well rested and yet here was lucifer being up since 1 Am already and he was feeling it a bit, he was currently in the kitchen stirring the mix for his pancakes not even really paying attention, he was brought from his daze by fingers snapping infront of him. Looking up he saw Charlie there with a worried smile on.
"You ok dad?" She asked, Lucifer picked up on her feelings, he raised her and knew how she acted and that she always wore her heart on her sleeve.
"Yes appleseed..just didn't sleep much last night is all" he said with a light chuckle as he put the bowl down, thanks to Lilith he got extremely good at hiding how he really felt...but those closest to him could tell at times.
"This...seems like something other then lack of sleep"
"How's Victoria doing?" He asked with a smile trying to steer away from the conversation now.
"Oh, she's doing great dad, holding her in my arms and everything it's just perfect" she said as she smiled now
"Though..I've been meaning to talk to you"
"What is it char char?" He asked now as he was about to pour the pancake mix onto the griddle.
"Up in heaven..what was all that about..I mean..mom keeping me away and.."
At this point Lucifer was growing nervous and not even listening anymore.
"Oh..you know I forgot a ingredient!" He said quickly before darting off to the pantry away from Charlie. Walking into the pantry he reached up and grabbed fistful's of his hair.
This was something that he was not ready to discuss nor did he ever want to, he didn't want Charlie to think he was pathetic. He didn't want to relive those painful memories more then he had to, he just wanted to forget this and never speak of it again. Taking a deep breath he calmed himself the best he can before throwing on a smile and walking back out into the kitchen, and sighed a breath of relief when he saw Charlie had went back to the lobby with everyone else. Lucifer focused back on making his pancakes and soon had them all made and called everyone in to eat, he made his plate as he moved and sat down at the table and smiled at Alastor as he sat beside him.
"How'd you sleep love?"
"Just fine, as comfortable as always" Lucifer replied with a smile before looking down at his plate and taking a bite, not wanting to look up at his husband.
"So...you never asnwered my question" Charlie asked now as she sat down across the table from him.
"I don't want to talk about it appleseed" he said as he took a bite of his pancakes, still looking down at them.
"But I'm worried.."
"Im fine Charlie" he said as he grabbed his plate and stood up moving towards the kitchen now, Charlie watched him before getting up and following him.
"Dad, I'm worried about you. Youve been acting different ever since you saw mom" she said as she stood at the counter watching him scrape his pancakes into the trashcan.
"Im fine Charlie...please just let it go" he said as he moved to the sink and dropped the plate off, he still wasn't ready to talk about this and relive it all.
"But.."
"I said I'm Fine!" He yelled out at her now as she stepped back from the counter and stared at him. Lucifer looked at her for a moment before his face softened, realizing what he had just done before he turned now, quickly leaving the kitchen and heading for the elevator. Charlie turned and slowly made her way back before sitting there the table with a void expression on her face as she looked down at the table, her hands down on her legs and just staring off nothing, her dad never yelled at her, Alastor tilted his head as he looked up to where the room would be having heard the shouting. He moved and dumped his plate off before heading to the elevator.
Grabbing the handle Alastor opened the door to their room where he found lucifer wrapped up in the blanket like a burrito, hiding away from everyone again.
"Care to explain what that was down there?" Alastor asked as he stood at the end of the bed with his arms behind his back.
"I don't want to talk about it" He mumbled out to the point that Al barely heard him.
"Well I think we do...our daughter didn't deserve that and you've now scared her" he said as he continued to stand there.
"....I've never raised my voice to her before.."
"Well now you did, and it affected her" he said as he didn't get a response from him.
"This isn't my Luci...this is not the man that I married"
"This is the old me..." he mumbled out again as he still had yet to move from the bed. Sensing something was wrong Al moved and sat down in the bed beside him and put a hand on his shoulder.
"What do you mean by that dear"
"I...back...when I was with Lilith, this is what she did to me...broke me down with her words..made me feel unwanted..un loved..and just pathetic...seeing her again made all those feelings return.." he said sadly as Al looked at him.
"Oh babe...no one will love you more then me..you are surrounded by a family that loves and cares for you" he said as he leaned down and kissed his cheek.
"But...how long until you end up leaving me" he said now as he looked at Alastor only to have their lips meet in a kiss, he hesitated at first before being pulled into it. Sadly it ended to quickly as he felt Alastor cup his cheeks.
"I. Am. Never. Leaving" he said firmly as he looked into Lucifer's eyes before Lucifer reached up and hugged him and gripped the back of his shirt.
"Th...thank you Al...for being here for me" he said with a smile as he felt Al return the hug.
"Of course dear...now get up, you have a daughter to go and apologize to"
Lucifer stood outside Charlie's door for a little before her finally reached up and knocked on it.
"Appleseed...you in there?" He called out, it took a moment before the door slowly opened and Charlie stood there with her head down some.
"Hey dad...need something?" She asked quietly, Lucifer was already feeling terrible, he knew he hurt her just by how she was acting.
"Can..we talk?"
"I thought you said you didn't want to" she replied now and Lucifer sighed a bit and nodded.
"I did say that...and I was wrong to say that"
"Im...sorry for making you mad..and pushing it" At this point Lucifer felt even worse now..Charlie was blaming herself for this.
"No..nonono..this isn't your fault, you didn't do anything wrong sweetie" he said as he reached and grabbed her hands.
"I never should've raised my voice..I never should've gotten mad, I regretted it the moment I did that sweetie...don't blame yourself"
"B..but i..made you mad" she stuttered out, looking up some Lucifer saw her glazed eyes where she had been crying, the pain in his heart from knowing that he made his precious appleseed feel this way was like noting he'd ever felt before.
"Oh charlie.." he said as he pulled her into a hug.
"Im so so sorry I yelled at you" he said as he held onto her before feeling her hug back.
Eventually they was in her room on the bed, finally getting past that.
"I...didn't want to talk about it because it's a hard time for me to remember..memories that I would rather forget ever happen" he said as he played with his hands.
"Your mom...was mentally abusive towards me, she would use her words and manipulations to get me to do what she wanted or make me pay for it...that's why I never played with you much..you was her strongest weapon against me, She would take you away from me and wouldn't let me see you until I did what she asked...and it never ended then one day she was just gone...by that time you was old enough to be on your own and the damage had been done, she made you think I abandoned you and didn't care" he finished as he looked down at his lap with a tear rolling down his face from thinking back to it all, he slowly turned and looked at Charlie.
"I tried...I tried as hard as I could..but it was never enough for her..nothing I did ever kept her happy..in the end I failed and felt like a failure" he said before he felt Charlie pull him in for a hug.
"I..had no idea dad" she said as she sat there in almost disbelief, she didn't remember Lilith acting like this at all when she was growing up.
"This is..why I didn't wanna talk about it..it's memories I never wanted to live through again" he said as he felt Charlie nod.
"I understand now dad..but she's gone now..you are loved..and wanted here and that will never change dad..I love you"
"I love you more then anything appleseed" he said with a soft smile now.