Reverie

Anodynes

Should I misconstrue the repetitions of your words as care or a portent of attempting to end our conversation?

♟️♟️♟️♟️

Talking to you feels more like extemporizing

Long-protracted nights, nothing's sufficing

It's the umpteenth time I let my heart tear asunder

I say my love is elysian
they say it's quintessential

I need , I need , I need no anodynes
It's insidious, inveigle me into believing it's not

No need for anodynes

Dumb down your significations

So I could metaphrase and set it to my vision board

I look for your phantom wherever I go

What a stinging anodyne

Stuck in the middle of nowhere

Oh I know it's not a silver line

When I don't feel the chilling sensation

_____________

I sing out the words softly as my pen moves across the paper.
I've been bombarded with the anxiety bombs. My heart drops to my stomach every time I remind myself of my tests.

I've been ghosting technically everyone for the past few days.
That's my way to cope up with my distress. When I say I want space, i legitimately mean it.

My mom's noticing the tremble in my hands...the paleness of my face.
I brush it off. She's not inured to me being this way. Nor do I want her to be.

Other than that, Life's been good. Stress makes me feel like I'm doing something at least.

I'd like to believe I'm healing. Really.

I know there's an unambiguous dichotomy between starting to accept things and actually healing.

Accepting is the part before the inauguration of the healing journey.
I'm near that stage.

I have friends and kinsfolk who support and love me. They never fail to recognize The strength and the concealed ability I possess.

Their faith in me comes with not only the realization that I don't have to render myself into something special in order to be loved by them but also the pressure of living up to their expectations.

I may not be able to metaphrase exactly what they've said or what they've done to show me they're right there by my side. But the feeling of being inundated with their coddling silence. The strength in the silence gaze.

The day Levis and I spent on the park,
The same night I saw a notification pop up. Levis's follow request.
We exchanged Instagram accounts. Finally.

I might be acting cool. But retrospectively speaking, the fact that sora and I stalked him thoroughly is risible. Really.

Besides being a sporting prowess, He's an art aficionado I believe.

He's sent some pictures of him painting some solid pieces that now bespangled the walls of his apartment.

His mom was a college professor.
He has a brother and oh! An adorable sister. a cat as well.

I feel like I already know so much about him. He's been instilling all the information about the higher level's studies in my head as well....

Raven recently texted me. Known to what I've been going through, he's been a real morale booster.

The way my tense and rigid posture started cracking up after the conversation with him. It's... pacifying.

I Revere the Palpable distance. The way his words still has such an effect on me is.....

He was regurgitating that he'd be willing to help if I need any.

The first time when he said that felt reassuring. The second time he said. What's the difference?

The difference is that the second time when he said that , he used the full stop.

As if to remind me to digress from the topic and cavil about life.

A full stop never felt so .... abrupt and... abrasive.

At least I feel less stressed. I want to be there for him when he gets distressed too. But I don't think he'll ever give me that chance. Maybe it's better that way.

Exhaustively, I'm just glad that things have been transpiring well despite being counterintuitive .

.........

We'll have to speed it up.

I'm planning on finishing it soon. I believe it's been enough of the daily day occurrences and revelation bombs. It's time to give fulfilling chapters including every character's concised point of views. I'm already feeling so ebullient at the thought of posting the last chapter and epilogue. Enough of this mental masterbating . I'd love to know if there's any nebulousness regarding everything I've written till now. I guess we're all ready for the imminent culmination chapters.

I'll definitely make sure it ends exactly how I anticipate it to be.

Take love.