Before The Fame

Chapter 38

Amarina's P.O.V
I wake up feeling better than any of the other mornings. So I decide not to take my pills. I'm doing better so what harm will it do to miss one time? I walk downstairs and make myself some toast. So far I'm doing just fine. Today might work out okay.
As the day progresses I start to feel emotionless. Like empty inside. It's not a good feeling, but I want to try and go without it. Just for a bit to see how it'll go. I think I'm better than I was doing. No suicide attempts so that's good.
It's around 3:00 when Logan shows up to my house. He's starting to just drop by whenever. Which I'm totally okay with. Logan doesn't seem to notice anything different. So I have to be doing better. If I'm doing better why do I feel the same? Maybe I'm not. I think to myself.
Logan and I watch movies for a few hours. After the third one he turns off the TV.
"Are you okay?"

"Y-ya." I stutter.

"Did you take your pills?" I stay quiet. "Am, you know you have to take them."

"I know....I just wanted to see how I did without them."

"You can't do that without your doctor telling you."

"I know."
He groans and rubs his eyes. Logan mumbles something that I can't understand. "Just go take them." I sigh and go do it. He's right though. I should keep taking them until my doctor says not to. Which is what I should be doing.
When I come back after I pretend to take my pills, Logan is in the kitchen making himself a sandwich. "Do you live here now?" I laugh at him. "Well I like to think that I do since I'm here almost everyday." He says squirting mustard on the bread. Logan then proceeds to sit on my couch propping his feet on the coffee table. I slap his feet off it. "What's your deal? Michael not talk to you today?" He jokes. Michael actually hasn't talked to me this morning. No morning texts as usual or voicemail. Nothing. Logan mentioning this does not help my cause of wanting to try and be better. It makes it ten times worse actually.
"He didn't did he?" I nod to answer.
So many thoughts are running through my mind. I haven't even had these thoughts before. I start to wonder if he doesn't want to be together. If he's with another girl. If he's purposely ignoring me. All of those thoughts are flooding my mind. I have no idea where they even came from. They just appeared. As I keep thinking these thoughts a few tears escape my eyes.
"Am, what's wrong?"

"What if he doesn't want to be together anymore? What if he's cheating on me?"

"No, no, I'm certain that he wants to be with you and only you."

"But what if your wrong?"

"Am, I'm not. Trust me. He's just busy okay. No reason to be upset over no text messages."

"It's not just that! It's everything else! Everyday just seems dreadful! I don't like that feeling when I wake up! I don't want to feel empty inside! I want to feel like a normal person! I can't though since I'm cursed with this damn illness!" I scream.
Logan is just sitting there looking scared. He stands up in front of me and places his hands on my shoulders. "Listen, to me okay?"

"Okay."

"You will get better over time. This will pass as long as you take your pills."
I nod as I try to steady my breathing. He motions for me to sit on the couch. I do so as Logan puts in a movie. Logan sits down next to me and plays it.
*********
Logan leaves once my dads are home. So I'm in my room alone with nothing to do. I took my pills for real this time and get my pajamas on. When I'm done brushing my teeth I Skype Michael. It takes a few seconds until Calum's face pops up.
"Hey, Am."

"Hey, Cal not meaning to be rude, but where's Michael?"

"I don't know. He's been gone all day. We had a day off today so he went exploring. Which is not a thing for him."

"So you have no idea where he is or what he's doing."

"Yup." I sigh at his answer.

"Well, do you wanna talk. I haven't talked to you or the other boys in a while. Like just us."

"Sure." Calum says scotching up more. "What have you been up to?"

"Nothing really. Just hanging out with Logan."

"Sounds like fun. We've been having a lot of fun on the tour. It's great."

"Cool."
Calum goes on and on about the tour. Ashton pops up in the frame a bit later as we talk. We all talk about what's been on our minds and lives. "Ashton do you know where Michael is? He hasn't talked to me all day." I ask him and he stays quiet for a minute. "Let's go check in Luke's and his room." Ashton states as he picks up the laptop. Calum is behind him as they go into the other hotel room. "Hey, Luke where's Mike?" Calum asks and he points to the bathroom. "He just walked in why?" Luke asks Ashton. Both Ashton and Calum explain that I wanted to talk to him, and that he hasn't talked to me all day.
As we wait for Michael to come out of the bathroom I talk to all three boys. They just talk about how much fun it is to be hanging out with One Direction. Which is lucky on their part. Michael comes out twenty minutes later. "Who are you guys talking to?" He asks them. They point at the screen and Michael comes into the frame. "Hey, babe." A smile now present on his face. "Hey, where were you all day?" I ask and all the boys look at him alos wanting to know. "I was wandering with Liz all day. She told Luke this morning." He says drying his hair with the towel.
"I was half asleep when she told me that." Luke laughs.

"You didn't talk to me today." I state.

"My phone was dead when I woke up. So I left it here."

"Okay. I was just wondering."

"So how many days till you get to see us Am?" Calum asks.

"I think six days."
They all cheer and I laugh at them. It's nice to talk to all of them again. Not just Michael which I enjoy a lot. I just wish that we could have still done the group thing. It would have been nice. After a good half hour Ashton and Calum go back to their room. I'm not even sure how Calum got Michael's laptop, but I don't care at the moment. So it's just me and Michael. Along with Luke who is in the bathroom.
"I can't wait to see you."

"I can't wait to see you either."

"Logan is probably sorting his pants and shirts now by color for his suitcase."

"What the fuck?" He laughs.

"He likes sorting and he does it with his suitcases. He's weird Luke that."

"LA is going to be so much fun. Especially when you're going to be there. We can go sight seeing. The house we're staying in has a pool. It's going to be great."

"I can't wait." I smile.

"It's like 1:00 in the morning here so I have to go." I sigh.

"Alright. Goodnight babe. I love you"

"Night. I love you too."
I then hang up and crawl under my covers.

I feel like it's been forever since I updated. I'm sorry I've been really busy and tired lately. I will try and update since the story is ending very very soon. I just hope this chapter was okay. Love you guys xx