Heart by heart. (TMI)

15) Words.

Jace stepped out of the creaking elevator and headed to his bedroom. His footsteps echoed on the marble floor of the empty institute. The air was cold, as though he was stood outside on a winters night. He felt truly alone in this moment. Church wasn't even there to come to his comfort, most likely curled up in hole somewhere.

Why did he leave Clary's apartment? They could've spoken and tried to patch things up. But instead he let fear get to him. He was scared he was going to hurt Clary again, break her heart, and he believed it was his job to protect her heart. From others, however, he never thought it would be from himself. 

He pressed open the door to his room and relaxed into his bed, watching the castings of light from the outside roof dance across the darkened ceiling. Time passed, the lights shifted and all this time, he tapped the letter against his chest. Weary of what it might contain, he refused to open it. Words were dangerous. Words could cut. Words were strong things. 

Days passed, weeks maybe. He ignored the muffled knocks on the door. He ignored the numbing pain of hunger which gradually ebbed inside his stomach.  Eyes as hollow as a darkened cove. Lips dry, like the Sahara dessert. 

It was only when he felt as though any clear ideas were slipping out of his reach. He needed to know what Clary thought. Jace slipped his calloused fingers under the fold of the envelope, the smell of cocoa and wax pencils floated into the room. His breath hitched even at the image of his name in her writing.

'Jace,

I write this letter as the sincerest of apologies. For many things, like leaving without trying to make things work, but most of all I write this so you understand that no matter what has happened between us I will never be anything but grateful for the moments I shared with you. The feelings I have and the thoughts I want to write are too complex to compress into simple verbs dancing with nouns. So in the simplest way possible, thank you.

Thank you for all the happy memories and the great times we shared. I couldn't even fathom what the idea of perfection was until I met you. And that was true for a long time. Suddenly, the definition seemed to take it's place within you. I need you to know that although I need time, and have done ever since I saw you with that girl in the club, you are my true love. There is nothing you could do that is truly unforgivable to me.

And yet, It breaks my heart as I write this as that day has not yet come. Until my heart stops beating, I love you. I love you truly and completely. What breaks my heart is not that you cheated on me, because I know that you are sorry. It breaks my heart to know that I have to let you go, even if it's just for a small time. Unfortunately, a small time away from you is longer than a life time. I sit here writing this at midnight with your black shirt on and it smells of you. Of the dirt and blood from after battles, which is the most familiar scent of you, but it also smells of the strong body spray you wear. I long for the feeling of having you in my arms again however I am not yet ready.

Yours dearest,
Clary.'

He read the words over and over again. He consumed them and his eyes seemed to absorb the sentences. He didn't need anything explaining to him because it was evident he wasn't going to see Clary or his children for a long time. After hours he laid his face into his pillow and wept.