Ramblings of a Red Haired Girl

May 2

right now i am mad. 

my mother is...

i cant even say what she is being. 

seriously mom, just cause something isnt where it's suppost to be doesnt mean that i took it. i mean really? you think i am taking your clothes? mom, i'm 15. why the hell would i want a 52 year old woman's clothes? 

and cause your precious measuring spoons got moved, its automatically me. i stole them. i moved them. its my fault. seriously??? i mean really? what the hell would i do with measuring spoons? 

and since its not my fault, it goes to default as dad's fault. 

she gets done yelling at me, making me feel ugly and worthless and goes straight to dad. the things that she yells... i cant stand them.

when i was little they would fight almost every day.

i'd go into my room and cry and hide under my bed where mom couldnt get to me. thats part of the reason that i put everything under there. so i could hide. sometimes i would take a pen or pencil and write something down there in my little 2nd grader handwriting. once i wrote on the bottom of my top bunk where mom could see. she couldnt read it. it said i hate the noise. it had little x's and o's around it. 

a mother is suppose to be someone you look up to. someone you admire. 

mine isnt. i want to be the exact opposite of my mother.

we used to be close. we would go on walks, we would go places and do things. 

but then we stopped. i dont know if it was sudden, like a day, or if it happened gradually. i'm not really sure. 

but we stopped being friends. she started yelling. i started learning to cry without making any noise. she would yell more if i cried.

she still does. 

the worse thing about my mom is that i am going to be just like her. i hate that. i am going to be just like her and i cant change that. the things i say when i'm really truthfully mad.. i know i am going to be like her... i hate that soo much.

and the things she does. she preaches to me all the time. i mean, i am a christian. i believe that Jesus came down to this rotten place to save us and that he died for me. but apparently, according to my mom, i dont. according to her, i have to get a sermon on why i should be a christian every few days. as if i wasnt one already. 

and other stuff too. 

like gay people for instance. i was on my ipod on the watty app and i was just randomly pressing peoples profiles and reading their about me's and stuff. and one of them happened to be a gay guy. and i was reading it and mom looked over my shoulder and apparently all she saw was gay. and then she said in this horrified voice "you arnt talking to GAYS are you?!" and i'm like no, mom i'm not but seriously whats the big deal? gay or straight. it isnt that big of a deal to me. (although all i said was no) and then i got this huge sermon on why being gay is wrong and why the bible says its wrong and stuff. and i'm sitting there like mom, i know all this and it really isnt that big of a deal to me. gay or not, if they are nice to me, i'll be nice to them. if i talk to them, so what? its not like i'm going to turn gay. no offence girls, but i will keep my eyes on the guys. 

and other little stuff like that.

i used to be able to talk to her... now... now i cant even tell her how my day was without getting her opinion on life and a scolding for telling her my problems. and then we sit down to dinner and she talks on and on about her day and complains to me and dad. 

sometimes i just want to hit her.

well i'm going to go cheer up with my friends so ttyl