Ramblings of a Red Haired Girl

Aug 27

*sigh*

Hello everyone.

So school starts in the morning. I was lucky- my "friends" all have lockers close to me. Fake friends. Fake faces. Fake smiles. Fake spaces. That's what school is. Fake laughter. Fake tears. Fake love. From all my peers.

Some kids are excited to go back and see their friends.

I stopped answering texts cause I try to avoid them.

I'd rather be at home. Writing Defending Julian. Talking to my friends. (If you haven't read defending Julian, please do, I really like writing it... I feel like I might actually do a good job wit this one. I am not going to give up on this one)

This summer....

It's been the worst and the best.

I've made new friends.

Lost some old ones

Lost some that I never want to lose.

Got those friends back.

It's been amazing.

It's been horrible.

But now I'm going back to school. I don't want to.

I am not popular. People don't like me... Ever since........ Since something that happened a long time ago.

I get called names.

They don't think I hear. But I do.

I don't have friends. They are all fake.

But I'm used to that.

But I can do it now. Cause I know I have real friends waiting as soon as I get home to my wifi.

I know some people would not count online friends as real. My mother included. But they are more real than most. They actually care. They need me. They accept me, for me. Not a fake smile. They don't care that I'm clumsy. Or fat. Or not the prettiest face. And I know I'm going to catch hell for saying that. I secretly love it when they all tell me that I am beautiful and all that jazz. Maybe someday it will make up for all the years that no one did.

Maybe someday the reals will make up for the fakes I had before.

I don't like school.

I don't mind learning. But the beautiful ballerina with her blonde hair and perfect face and body. When she looks at me judging....

Or when the people I call my friends, say mean things behind my back. When they think I can't hear.... They don't see me standing there listening.....

I know. I know. Don't let them bring me down. Or in the words of my best friend "fuck them. Your beautiful"

I know

But it still hurts.

No one likes me here.

Let's face it, I will never have a boyfriend in high school.

I will ever go to prom. Even if I somehow got a chance, they don't have dresses in my size. And who would I shop with? My mom? I think not.

I will never have that one boyfriend that gives me his jacket and holds my hand at football games. I will never be that.

Cause I'm me.

Plain and simple.

Boyfriends are just dreams.

No one likes me at school. That makes me not like school.

School starts in the morning.

Wish me luck, for I'm off to hell in the morning, but this hell is called High School.

-Leah