Painted Smiles [completed]

September 9

Waltzing into band was easy. I suppose it's because I was just so tired. My mind felt like soup and I could barely keep my eyes open. I guess that's what school does to someone. It makes them feel certain horrible things.

I saw Dolly on the way but ignored her. Better than wasting energy. It's not like I could do much about her anymore. We're friends, but it's not even that. We're being friendly. We aren't friends. I wish we were more again. I never knew that the burning at the back of my throat, similar to what smokers feel when they really want a cigarette, could be so strong.

I heard that she likes me again, but who knows what'll happen? I'm deciding not to get my hopes up. I'll go with the flow, but I won't let myself get hurt again. I want to let her in again, so badly, but I want to see proof that she's really going to try.

"I won't let you blow out my candle so yours can burn brighter," my English teacher said yesterday. Accurate and relatable.

Speaking of wasting my energy, not getting enough sleep was my first problem. My second problem? Probably being overly nervous about everything.

Band wasn't too bad though. We sat in our official spots. I could see Alesha at the corner of my eye. I waved at her and she waved back, blowing a kiss at me. I blushed, but took it as nothing.

She was one of my past 'crushes'. Really, she was just a futile attempt to get over Dolly and what she had done to me. I liked Alesha, but she did reminds me of Dolly a lot, which was why she was the shoulder I cried on.

Gretchen was doing good today, and so was Sasha. They seemed to be having a lot more fun with school than I was. Then again, they're better than me in almost every aspect. Prettier, funnier, happier, smarter (yes, even Gretchen in some subjects), and just better. Maybe I was a better writer, but wow. So cool.

Band was mostly still introduction. We played a bit, and I loved it, but it wasn't much. I had always loved music in the past. My father is an avid, passionate piano player, so naturally, he forced me to start playing piano as well. I played for a good five years or so until I got tired of struggling and practicing something I was horrid at. I gave up, similar to many other activities. But flute was different. I was always frustrated and stressed when I practiced, but it was so worth it when I heard the band play together to a gorgeous melody.

But when band was over, I put my instrument away and said goodbye to my hope for the day. I waved goodbye and didn't look back, because that hurts. Everything hurts.

I covered my arms, including my hands, with the sleeves of my dull floral shirt. I also wore black pants, as usual, but added floral vans to complete my look.

I'm not going to lie; I consider myself to be at least moderately fashionable. Then again, one day I'll wear a dress and the next I'll wear band merch, a flannel, or combat boots. I bet I confuse everyone with my weird outfits, but I like to think that at least they're all decent.

Actually, I think my outfits really bring out my gender preference for the day. If I'm wearing something girly, I'm girly that day. If I'm wearing black and boyish stuff, I'm probably more of a boy that day. Of course, no one would ever call me by my preferred pronouns, if I ever choose to make it official, but at least I know it about myself.

When I got to civics, I smiled a bit at Dakota. She didn't smile back, but I couldn't care less what she thought about me. She was cute, but I wasn't going to let anyone new in. She was friendly, but I wasn't going to risk any remnant of happiness I managed to salvage.

Triple D, the awesome teacher, came in and we started class. I learned that civics is the study of citizenship, rights, and other political stuff. It's actually pretty fun, contrary to my previous thoughts about social studies.