Painted Smiles [completed]

September 15

I feel comforted at the thought of sleeping, but I rarely get to experience it. I had woken up this morning and barely stayed awake. Even doing my makeup was difficult, considering my lazy arms would keep vacillating with exhaustion.

Getting to school wasn't fun either. Because of yesterday's homework load, I had a panic attack. When I was at home, trying to finish my math homework, I realized I would never understand it until it was fully explained to me. I started hyperventilating and curled up into a little ball, letting my tears drown the world around me. I didn't stop until my father found me, and then he helped me out. He must feel bad for me, or about me.

Today I was prepared, though. Fair Creek had 'Zero Hour' on Tuesdays, which was technically time for clubs to meet up, but I had to be at school anyways because of my mother.

Sadly though, I couldn't hang out in Mrs. Finch's room because the whole science department was having a meeting. Still, I worked on my math homework in my mother's class (the homework due tomorrow), since I have to see my therapist tonight.

Math was definitely not only my least favorite subject, but my heaviest class. I hated the teacher, materiel, and homework.

After zero hour, I headed down to the new commons. I was dreading this, but not in an angry way. I was just nervous and a bit sad. I wanted to be cool, and not to bore Dolly, but I suppose I can be bland. When I'm nervous, I talk about the dumbest things and it's never funny.

I sat down beside Sasha, who sat beside Gretchen. We had a lot of fun, but immediately silenced ourselves when Dolly sat across from me. I frowned and looked away, practically feeling ashamed of being in her presence. She was like a queen of her own, ruling her land and doing what she pleased. I was merely a peasant to her, which is why I felt so disposable.

We ended up not chatting at all really, but exchanging emotional looks. She must've been thinking about me, right? I don't want to sound paranoid, but I'm not sure what she thinks about me. She's all talk; murmuring that she feels all of these things, but I only hear muffled sounds. I want to trust her when she says she likes me, but what I know and have seen about her interest in certain boys make me feel so insecure.

We all headed to band as a group and said our goodbyes to Dolly as she left for choir. Band was fun and all, but it was simply a time to reminisce or ponder what had just happened. Usually it was sad flashbacks, but I like to think of it in a positive way.

During band we played elementary scales and effortless songs. I felt like it was just blowing air and moving fingers, and not actual playing. Sometimes I felt like I needed a bigger challenge, but I never say it because I don't want to brag or bring unwanted attention to myself.

Civics was fun as always, I suppose. I had intense anxiety about today's class because the essay I had been working for a week on was due today, but I technically didn't need to turn it in yet. There was a complicated debate taking place, and the first group went today. I had expected mine to go, for I had the worst luck of them all, but instead the substitute assuaged the day for me.

The debate was surprisingly successful. Last year, I can recall doing a whole class debate and having there be dead silence, but this was a group of about ten people and they were really going at it. There was shouting, swearing, and taunting.

I never knew people felt so strongly about the Boston Massacre!

Still, I had my eyes on two people in particular. Dakota, who was on the other side of the outside circle, and this random cute guy in the debate. He was your classic emo guy, but I was into that sort of stuff. He sounded super smart as well.

I feel like I can easily be classified as sapiosexual, which is a fancy word for being attracted to smart people. Dolly was pretty smart, but whenever someone said anything thoroughly and perfectly, I always got chills.