Painted Smiles [completed]

October 7

In band there were Finish and Danish people conducting us. They were from some sort of college and were visiting us during their trip around America. Their accents were priceless; a mixture of British and French, it seemed. They would say the silliest things and explain things so awkwardly. I loved it. It spiced up my experience in band, and they actually helped us learn.

Still, I couldn't keep my eyes open. Even though I had gotten a lot of sleep last night, the stress and anxiety I was placed under made me mentally and physically feeble. I was stressed out about mostly math, and it was enough to make anyone cantankerous. Although math was my main problem, I was also stressed out about many other things.

Surprisingly, having a crush on someone who just can't like you back is horrible. You're digging yourself a grave. At least when you have a chance, you have someone else dig your grave for you. Chelsea was sweet and would never want to hurt me, but I couldn't ever bring myself to tell her about my feelings. She would never know that my heart was shoved into the dirt.

After band, I walked slowly to civics. I wasn't even that scared to talk to Chelsea. I just didn't want to. I did, but I didn't...

I saw her and my first thought was to just leave. She was wearing a navy blue dress and a pink cardigan over it. She looked lovely, and I couldn't help but smile immediately when I saw her. It sucked. Thankfully, she was busy digging through her backpack. I decided to engage the small talk this time.

I put my backpack down at my desk and skipped over to her and around to Sean. She looked up, and her big eyes locked into mine. Ugh.

"I'm so pissed! I won't be able to watch my queen tonight on American Horror Story!!!" My face felt warm, and it was either from blush or anger.

"Lady Gaga?"

"You know me so well."

We both chuckled and Sean turned around, eyeing me suspiciously. He knew as well as I did that Chelsea would never like me. She had gone to homecoming with some random guy and hasn't shown interest in any girls.

Still, the heart wants what it wants.

"Well, you could always watch it illegally in YouTube!" She said enthusiastically. A smile tugged at my lips.

I forgot to respond and our laughs melted to an airy silence. Neither of us breathed for a moment, so Sean had to nudge in. "Or just wait for it to come out on Netflix."

I looked over at him, blinking in thanks, but then rolled my eyes. "No! I need to see my queen!"

The bell rang and I sighed. We went over our tests and then talked about the Executive Branch of the government. All I could think about Chelsea, so I used a meditative method and focused on my breaths for a moment. I got back to focus and finished class.

She had to stay behind and talk to Triple D about something, so I headed out languidly. Right before I was out of sight, I gave her a peace sign and she waved goodbye. That was our routine. I gave her a peace sign and she waved.

I wasn't as excited for math. I had finished all of my missing work and such, but I still hated the class and constantly stressed about it. Today wasn't too bad. I thought I did the quiz pretty well and I think I understand most of the material.

Lunch wasn't too different today. It was the usual, actually. Gretchen and I chatted while the other girls had their own conversation.

"How's it going with bae?" Gretchen asked and looked over with a sassy look.

I rolled my eyes. "How do you think?"

Gretchen was probably as close to Chelsea as I was, if not closer. Probably closer, actually. They were in the same class last year, which meant they were together more often.

English wasn't too eventful, honestly. There was a huge, shocking twist in To Kill A Mocking Bird. All of the loose ends were tying together. I didn't like the plot of the book much, but it was very well written.

After school, I saw Chelsea and gave her a peace sign. I saw a few more friends and conversed a bit with them. When I saw Dolly, which I did every day now since she walked from where I was going, I kept my head down and ignored her. There was no reason to chat with her.

P.S. How Do I Stop Feeling This

"I'm not the prettiest you've ever seen

But I have my moments

I have my moments

Not the flawless one

I've never been

But I have my moments

I have my moments."

~Tove Lo
"Moments"
(I'm not perfect but I sure act like it)