Painted Smiles [completed]

September 23

A/N: 200 reads!!! Wooooooo!

It was blue-out day for spirit day. I put on a blue Doctor Who shirt, blue jeggings, and blue high tops.

Last year, I had fallen in love with high tops. I had discovered that flannels were a fashion sense. I was so excited that I could wear clothes that were more 'me', but now I am afraid to wear those types of clothes. With my hair, face, and body, I can easily be mistaken for a boy. Along with high tops and a flannel, I bet it's hard to tell what I am at all.

At least last year, for the first half of the year, I had long hair. Then I migrated to a longer version of what I have now, then I cut it really short and gelled it up, and now I'm back here again. I'm not going to lie. I liked having my hair gelled up every day. It felt more like me. Now I am afraid to even trim my hair.

I put on only a fraction of the makeup I usually put on. Dolly's thoughts echoed through my mind.

"Why do you even wear so much makeup? You look better without it."

She never understood how uncomfortable I was wearing less makeup than the most I could. Putting on makeup took me half an hour if I was fast. I would put on foundation, concealer, eyebrow makeup, eyeshadow, eyeliner, mascara, highlights, contouring, blush, and settling powder. I usually wore lipgloss or lipstick along with the whole look.

Today I only wore concealer, eyebrow makeup, eyeliner, and mascara, and it was terrifying. Last week I did the same makeup on Friday, but at the time I didn't care about my look. At the time, I thought Dolly liked me, and she said she liked me more without makeup.

I should've realized how horrible it sounded whenever she told me to stop wearing makeup. I'll wear it if I want. If you don't like it, then I don't care.

I arrived at Mrs. Finch's room. She was wearing a strange, blue sailor dress. She looked back at me and grinned, noticing my all-blue-outfit. I gave her the benefit of a small laugh and then sat down to do some homework.

"Anything new?"

"Now Dolly ain't even going to homecoming. Thinks I'll feel bad, eh?" I say with a soft, melancholic tone. I didn't feel bad, I was just sad about this morning I think. I wasn't sure, but some sadness had attracted towards me.

She sat down at her desk and smiled a bit, as if she was admiring me. "It's amazing how many things she makes you feel, is it not?"

When I really thought about it, she made me feel angry and sad. I used to feel so relieved. She was the reassurance I had that I was a decent human being that could be loved. Without her, I felt so isolated and different. I felt like my mother was right to alienate me so much. However, I knew I couldn't rely on her. I refused to let her be the big fish anymore.

I leaned back in my seat. My fingers ran through my lengthening hair and I smiled. "Yeah... She made me feel a lot." A nostalgic thought ran through my mind.

With a nod, we ended the conversation. I did math homework until my friends spammed me; telling me to join them in the new commons. I packed up my things into their appropriate places and then walked up to the doorway. When I got there, I looked back and smiled.

"Have a great day, Finch. You're awesome."

She turned around and smiled widely. She seemed so happy. I'm glad I could still make someone smile.

I left for the new commons and found Gretchen first. We occupied a smaller table near the cafe and waited for Sasha. When she arrived, we all started doing work and chatting.

"Oh, and by the way, Dolly was saying that she never liked you back. Ever."

Those biting words hurt me, but I didn't show it. I didn't feel it, but I knew I was sad. I shrugged and looked at my MacBook. I was writing a book, as usual.