Painted Smiles [completed]

October 6

I don't think I'll ever forgive Dolly for anything, but I don't think I'll ever forgive hope. It misguided me and mislead me. I trusted it for once.

Being the most atheist person in my family is probably the easiest thing to brush off. The fact that my dad has thirty times more hope and faith than I was never a problem to him. He used to tell me that it was okay not to have faith. I needed to have faith in a physical, tangible thing first, and it was me. I had to learn to have faith in myself.

I'll never believe in God because I'll never believe in myself.

I suppose my heart dislikes that. It wants to cling onto every speck of hope that gets left behind. People have hope coming from their ass like fairy dust. Chelsea's fairy dust was what I picked up on. It's pink and purple and smells sweet.

Sadly, I know we'll never work out. Most of all, it's because I'm trying to believe in someone else before myself. Even if she wasn't straight, it probably wouldn't work out.

Sean is smart to keep his heart from picking up on that fairy dust.

Seeing Dolly every morning was a cruel reminder that I don't have faith in myself, but seeing no fairy dust being left behind was also satisfactory.

"Nice hair!" Sasha exclaimed and immediately reached for my freshly done hair. I smacked her hand out of the way and swatted Gretchen's away when I felt her swoop down behind me.

"Looks like the gang's all here..." I groaned sarcastically. I constantly fought them off because of my hair, so this felt routine.

Dolly was sitting a few tables away with her friends. They would occasionally look over at me, but Sasha and Gretchen would often look over at her, so it was even.

I spent most of my skinny hour doing math homework. It was easy but so time consuming. I never understood why teachers bothered to assign busy work. It was completely useless.

Band wasn't much more interesting, though. It was becoming routine as well, which wasn't as comforting as you'd think. I would love it if math was a steady class, but not band. I wanted to shoot forward in band, but I guess not...

Still, going to Civics made me nervous. Not only was Chelsea in that class with me, but I had a test today. Chapter 2 test, the first article of the constitution. It was about the legislative branch of the government, which was the law making branch. It included congress; the House of Representatives and the Senate.

I walked into class and plopped down into my seat. I might've been wearing a very cute outfit, but I would still act lazy. Tall boots and new hair didn't change my attitude much.

Chelsea passed by me to get to her desk. She didn't say hello to me, and I didn't know if it was because of me or her. I went back to studying before the bell rang. We ended up taking the test, and it was easy.

On the way out of class, Chelsea passed me. She said goodbye to me and I returned the farewell. She looked great today, even though her simple jacket and boots weren't anything new. It was the simple things I liked.

I liked how she was regular to me. I was used to fangirls of large fandoms. She liked Doctor Who, Supernatural, Percy Jackson. Probably more. I admired it.

I had a great day until I came to math. It was the subject I disliked the most by far. It was absolute hell to me. It wasn't even that I didn't understand it, and I did, but it was simply the way I was being taught.

At least it created a challenge for me. I spent my whole life going on a continuous roller coaster. I was constantly going up and down; bliss and depression. Now, my life was beginning to be steady. I rarely felt anything dramatic unless I was nervous around Chelsea or anxious about math. My life was getting so steady that I occasionally wished a tragedy or blessing upon myself.

During lunch I watched cheery and excited girls gossip and blab on about relationships and such. Gretchen usually talked to me in a separate conversation, but I liked it that way. I was only dipping one foot into the water.

"Have a crush on anyone yet?" I asked her.

She finished chewing her pizza and replied, "Not really. There are some cute guys I see, but they all seem like jerks."

That's why I was definitely not straight, or at least one reason why. Boys at this age are so immature. They don't really understand the concept of dating, in a way. I guess it's because 'girls watch and read a lot of romance'. I mean, it's true for me, but it's a bad excuse on their part.

"Well, that's lame."

"You say that because you can't stand NOT having a crush."

She was right. I was such a romantic. I was an emotional, loving, broken girl. I needed to pursue someone constantly because it gave me a big goal. Getting an A in a class is a good goal, but being in a strong, romantic relationship with someone is a huge goal. Getting Chelsea was my gigantic, impossible pursuit.

"I can't help it. I find everyone attractive!" I giggled. Perks of being pansexual: basically everyone is attractive to you.

After lunch and the second half of math, I headed to English. Nicki was there before me and I greeted her as usual. She was a silly friend, but far from immature. Her humor was never inappropriate or harsh, unlike mine.

We took a vocabulary quiz and continued reading To Kill A Mocking Bird. We were almost done with the book. A few more chapters to go!

After school, I roamed the halls for about ten minutes. I saw Evelyn and Chloe talking, but I didn't disturb them. They seemed happy enough. I saw Chelsea but she was too far away to greet. Finally, I saw Dolly. I walked right past her, keeping my gaze averted. I couldn't even look at her.

I got to Finch's room and sat down. She didn't have anyone in class that day, but she was busy, so Ms. Hedging stayed around for a bit.

"Are you gonna tell me the gossip?"

I gave her a face. A face that says, "wow, grandma."

Still, I answered. "Eh, nothing much's happened so far. Now I'm calming down. My life is getting back on its rails."

"Sounds boring to me."

She was right. Although she had a bad, underpaying job and probably a boring life she seemed qualified to say my life was now boring. I hated to admit it, but Dolly made me seem a lot more interesting than I really am.

P.S. I Despise Math

"I thought that I'd been hurt before

But no ones ever left me quite this sore

Your words cut deeper than a knife

Now I need someone to breath me back to life."

~Shawn Mendes
"Stitches"

(I hope Chelsea doesn't read this lmao)