Painted Smiles [completed]

A Sad Note

I hate to say it, but I think everyone already knows. I flaunt it quite enough to my friends and family, reminding them each and every time I mess up. It's my excuse, my greatest victory. It's difficult to say, but so easy to feel.

I hate myself.

Although I don't want to get into too much detail, there are many components that bring those three words together. A mixture of remorse, depression, and overall low self esteem has caused my own being to be my worst enemy.

Constantly trying to fight myself for what I have to say, do, or feel is like slapping yourself and wondering whether you felt pain because you're strong or weak.

Winning a battle with myself is impossible, yet losing seems so frequent.

I don't hate many people besides myself. Perhaps I say it more than I should, but not about other people. If I were to hate someone it would imply that I dislike them as much as I dislike myself, but that is not the case.

However, due to my dislike for most people, I have changed the meaning of hate.

It's become a deep, despicable term I use to describe a dislike so strong that I can't use it for anyone else. Telling someone I hate them would be quite impossible and false.

I don't hate people. I don't hate anybody.

Well, I do hate myself. I hate myself because of my appearance, my personality, my emotions, and my judgement.

People always tell me, "Claire, if you don't like yourself so much, just change!"

I can't change. If we go back to the 'fighting myself' statement I made, I can remind you that if I tried to change I would stop myself.

I can't change the way I treated my family, friends, or Dolly. I can't say sorry enough and I can't say how deeply I regret my mistakes.

In fact, they'll never know how my crybaby tears make me drown. My own sadness pulls me down, consuming me until I become a little ball of self hate.

I can't say I don't deserve it, because I mostly do. I deserve to be so lonely and confused, yet I often feel like the actions that I do against myself hurt my friends.

Being so scared of love has hurt Dolly, and probably Alesha in the future. My xenophobia has probably hurt random strangers who try to chat with me. My friends probably get hurt by me more times than I can count on my fingers, purely because of my ignorance.

The funny part is how arrogant I am, though. Because I can only hate myself, the mentality has been brought around to the opposite side. I hate myself so much, but I also love myself more than anyone else.

I can't properly and correctly love somebody because I love myself so much. My bitter self love pushed Dolly away every single time she tried to do the right thing.

And I am so sorry. Again, words can't describe how sorry I feel.

I wish to change. I want to be a better person, but it feels like such a troublesome task. My conflict has caused the animosity that I expel.

I wish I could just stop being so messed up. I want to be normal like Gretchen and Sasha. I want to be okay.

P.S. I Hate Me Too