Painted Smiles [completed]

September 16

I was walking to skinny hour, prepared to see Dolly once more, but then I saw her halfway there. I ran up to her and pulled her back by the shoulder. She was going the wrong way, or at least not to the new commons where we usually met up.

"Where are you going?" I ask as I spun her around to face me.

She seemed sad. Worry filled my eyes and I slowly let go of her shoulder. Was she sad about me? That'd be a change.

"Get away from me. My friends were right. You're an asshole. And your friends hate me!"

My eyes widened with surprise. I wasn't surprised that people thought that, and I wasn't even surprised that she said that, but I was surprised because I had no idea what she was talking about.

I witnessed her give me a contentious scoff and strut off, chin held high. She walked up to her group of friends and they all continued walking along.

I wasn't angry at her. I spent so much time arguing with her and realizing that she was better than me to dislike her. I hate to admit it, just like she probably did, but she really does have a better appeal with others. Clearly, if her friends are talking shit about me I must be a huge downgrade for her. Automatically, she deserves better.

I was sad because I didn't know how to fix this. I was nervous around her, but I didn't know people got angry over that. In fact, it's usually considered cute on Disney Channel.

Perhaps I was suppose to show her off to my friends. I've always wanted to call her 'My Pretty Girl', but she's not mine. I would ask her out but I wouldn't know what to say. I'd want it to be cute and special, but I'm not sure how to do that. I could hug her or kiss her all lovingly, but she could easily push that away.

I felt cornered, defeated, and hopeless. I used to think that I'd never talk to Dolly again, and I think she wishes that she never began talking to me after our tacit agreement for silence.

I headed to skinny hour; the new commons. When I arrived at the table and sat down beside my friends, I realized why she was angry. Usually, she sits with my skinny hour group and gets left out. I'm not sure why, but Gretchen and Sasha fall more or less silent when around Dolly. She noticed how nervous and quiet I am around her, but it's only because I don't want to embarrass her. I try to defend her and talk to her, but I'm so afraid of being myself (which means messing up).

I like to think that it's because they're worried for me. It's likely since we were all friends last year.

I let my gorgeous paint drip off my face as my depressed look was exposed. A frown, creases between the eyebrows, and constantly looking down. I've been told that it's very obvious to tell when I'm sad, but it's not. The only thing that's obvious is that I'm never really that happy.

"What's wrong?" Sasha asked. Gretchen evaded asking those types of questions, being the amiable person she was. Sasha was one to be more motherly, while Gretchen was like a sibling.

"Dolly thinks I'm an asshole."

"I saw it coming."

"Fuck off. She's right. She's always been right. You think she's some sort of bitch but she's just realizing what's true."

Everyone ignored me for the rest of skinny hour, and neither Sasha or Gretchen spoke to me during band. I can only assume that the bittersweet silence is temporary, but it's fairly obvious that there's going to be awkwardness for a couple of days.

Civics wasn't much better. I didn't have my debate today, which I wasn't sure how I felt about. I'd rather get my feelings out in a heated argument with five other people. Plus, the people on my team are really smart. Dakota's in my group, along with Sean and three other guys.