Painted Smiles [completed]

September 30

I looked over and saw Dolly, staring at me along with her friends. I felt like everyone was watching; waiting to laugh at me or criticize me. She was being smart by spreading her hatred for me. A good move. I think I have something better, though.

I played with the ends of my hair and noticed how dry they were. "I should cut my hair an inch or two and dye it."

"Your mom would make out with Obama before letting that happen," Sasha snickered and I laughed along.

It was true. My mother would never let me dye my hair. Even if it was something subtle, like blonde, she would flip out. Still, I wanted to dye the middle portion of my hair platinum blonde or completely white. Perhaps even a bit silvery.

The whole time I was at skinny hour in the commons, I had to stare at Dolly's back. I didn't feel anything. I wasn't sad, angry, or in love. She was just a person that I wanted to make miserable. I didn't even know why anymore.

In band I talked to the band teachers about occasionally switching from flute to piccolo. I already had one, and they agreed to let me play it. I was excited, considering the fact that now I had something more to do in my free time.

In civics I just chatted with Chelsea until the bell rang. When I sat down at my desk I got a silly glare from Dakota, referencing my conversation with my friend earlier. She expected me to have a crush on any random person, but now I wasn't that lenient. I wouldn't let anyone get to my heart unless I knew they were better than Dolly. It took my a year to realize that Dolly was a manipulative liar, so I need more than a year to like someone. Sucks, doesn't it? That's what that girl dies to you. She fucks you over and laughs when you cry into your own blood.

"Is she joining gay club too?"

"No, why?"

"Aw, I was really expecting her to be at least bi or something."

"She's literally one of the girliest girls I've ever met. She's not my type anyways. Sorry, but I'm currently dating myself. Is that okay?"

She scoffed and slid her hands into the pockets of her black sweatpants.

"Well, shit, I thought I was narcissistic."

I didn't care what she said. I just needed time away from everything evil in my life. I was in desperate need of self love and I wasn't going to get it unless I learned to live with myself. I was already on the road to recovery!

I left for math and my sassy and friendly mood quickly turned sour and sad. I absolutely hated math with a burning passion. Correction: I hated my math teacher. She was a totally fine human being but today was the first day she taught us something. It's been three fucking weeks, ma'am.

Lunch wasn't that great or eventful. We talked about populars, and I briefly mentioned how I thought popular people were defined by how nice or mean they were and if they had a lot of drama revolving around them. I would go as far as to say I'm popular at this point. So many people know of me/hate me that I'm pretty sure I've reached the minimum.

English wasn't too bad. I greeted Nicki and the teacher. We were watching a movie on the Scottsboro trial, which sounds like a social studies topic, but it correlates to To Kill A Mocking Bird. I just realized that the title was about how Tom Robinson, a black man who was accused of rape of a white girl, was sentenced to death even though he didn't do anything wrong. It pisses me off thinking that people were so despicable back then. It's abominable.

When school ended, I decided to roam the halls. Surprisingly, I saw Chloe and Evelyn. I noticed them talking and laughing, which made me happy for Chloe, but I did sort of think Evelyn is cute... I didn't really know her that well, but gay club was starting soon and I'd see them there. I guess we'll see how it plays out.

Sean bumped into me, and I greeted him. I told him I was gay over text one time, so he thinks I'm gay. It's mostly because I didn't want it to seem like I was flirting with him because I really like talking to him. He's insanely smart. He helped me with my civics essay! Still, he's Sasha's crush and I just wanted him to be my nerdy guy friend.

After a little bit of adventuring, I headed up to the science department. I saw Ms. Hedging on the way.

"Hey, Claire. Long time, no annoyance."

That sounded like something Dakota would say.

I rolled my eyes and witnessed her cackle a bit. She definitely liked picking on me, but now I knew she had a soft side.

"Wow, thanks!" I replied sarcastically. "If you were wondering, I'm doing great!"

She shrugged that off and continued walking. 'I hate to see her go but I love to see her walk away'. She was a smart girl, but I feel like she was yet to be a strong woman.

I walked into Mrs. Finch's room and plopped down. She complimented my plain gray sweater and I got to work. I always complained to her about math homework, but she always motivated me to do my best regardless of how tedious the work was. I thought it was busy work but she knew it was just learning.

About halfway through my assignment, I suddenly realized something. Getting Dolly's weight off my shoulders was the best thing that's ever happened to me. I feel like a free pancake!!! Still, I did miss her. I miss having someone that cares about me (but apparently not). I miss having someone to talk to and look after. That's probably why I always want to be in a relationship. I love taking care of people and fixing them. I just need someone to fix me, I guess.

P.S. Dolly, what's good?!?!