Painted Smiles [completed]

November 2-6

What an infallible plan it is to risk your feelings on a simple human.

Even back when the clouds seemed to be a near dream and the sound of love trembled against my ear, I could still feel a ping of doubt quiver through my bones. The voice that told me not to do so; my conscience, was in fact an angel on my shoulder. Now, the flames seemed nearer, and I had learned nothing.

After daylight savings, the sun rose early and set early as well. Leaves were but a memory that's carcasses littered the ground in fragments. The promises of warm, or at least decent, weather were simple lies.

I had refused to accept that soon my emotions would change color as a rabbit's fur did with the seasons. At least summer brought persuasion for health, stability, and glee. Winter only brought useless aesthetics that the average teenager would appreciate.

No one had yet realized that I wasn't who I really was. To simplify: I felt like an adult on the inside, but I dumbed myself down to bring myself skinny joy that wilted like the rest of my hopes and dreams. I was always eager to chat with a teacher or have meaningful discussions, but feelings were as distant of a memory as the leaves and summer were.

Contrary to my belief, Chelsea had not yet realized my feelings towards her.

On Tuesday, she brought me skittles; wrapped in wrapping paper and a bow (I still have the bow in my backpack. I might wear it next Wednesday, the day she leaves for a band gig). She had so sweetly articulated that our inside joke about giving candy was taken seriously.

Basically, I was texting her and trying to start a deep conversation. I told her that she should go for her crush, which was dumb of me to do. She said she would try, but she wouldn't try too hard in fear of rejection or worse. Then, I agreed that it was scary and the spotlight turned to me. She knew about Dolly, perhaps a bit too well, and assured me that I would find someone regardless of what scarring I was given. She promised that if I never found my soulmate that she would owe me all of the skittles in the world.

I loved how Chelsea didn't mind my scars. She saw right through my makeup, crazy fashion sense, and large eyes to look straight at my heart. She saw past my looks, sexuality, and fake personality traits to notice that I was actually a sensitive person on the inside. She didn't even mind the fact that I was constantly bringing myself down. It was not a bother to her at all. She simply brought my hopes up and kept me happy.

I tried to do the same for her. She also had low self esteem and self confidence, so I often had to remind her of how amazing and beautiful she is. I wanted to constantly tell her how perfect she was, but I knew that I couldn't handle another heartbreak.

Not much drama had started this week. I found out from Halloween that Chelsea used to consider herself demi (basically, she's attracted more by personality and closeness than body), but now she's settled on being straight. I knew that she used to have a crush on a girl, so there was still a potential for a miracle, but I laughed whenever the thought came to mind. It wouldn't happen.

It's hard to convince yourself that you failed. You need reassurance, but I really don't want it now.

I just wanted to be normal friends with her. I wanted to hug her and pet her hair without feeling my hands cramp and my eyes burst out of their sockets. Sadly, Sasha had told me that my pupils dilated greatly while around my crush.

The only negative thing that's really been bothering me is the fact that I can't seem to get my hands on Chelsea. As bad as it sounded, it was true. It was almost as if she was avoiding contact. I offered hugs every day but we usually ended up just high fiving for something. The worst part is that she and Gretchen would constantly hug, both before and after civics. It was almost like the both of them were showing it off, and it was always hard to watch because of my jealousy. Even Sasha knew this, and she also realized it.