Painted Smiles [completed]

October 20

I didn't think I could get anymore tired, but I did. I was so physically and mentally tired that I had to forcefully pluck myself out of bed. After I showered, I felt a bit better, but everything was just so overwhelming.

I always complain about being tired. I yawn, drink Starbucks, and rest my eyes but nothing seems to work. Everything makes me so tired.

However, that didn't stop me from looking my best today. I had decided to wear an 'artistic hipster' look. I had a kimono type thing, bracelets, necklaces. I even did the best eyeliner I've done in a very long time. I guess being tired had a good side. People always told me there was a bright side to things, and maybe there was.

I got to school an couldn't even look at Finch. If she was off to chemo soon, she would probably be gone for multiple terms. I might not see her the rest of the school year! I wanted to confront her about it, but not yet.

Nothing really happened during skinny hour. Although I did manage to get a tad bit of work done, it was mostly just socializing time.

Band was the usual. Actually, I had some fun in band. We played a really good song, and we played it quickly. There were these few lines that no other section could master except for the flutes, which was obviously something cool.

I feel like a band geek sometimes, which isn't so bad, but it's weird because I never envisioned myself as that type.

I had joined up with Gretchen and Chelsea outside of our civics rooms. It was on a corner. Chelsea's hair was just a bit brighter and she immediately complimented my eyeliner. I gratefully accepted the compliment, but Gretchen started blabbing on about how I made her appreciate my makeup earlier. I suppose it was a good thing I had a friend to help me keep from saying or doing anything stupid. I really didn't trust myself anymore. I didn't trust anyone.

Triple D eventually shooed us into class. I said goodbye to Gretchen and headed inside the classroom with Chelsea. We parted ways to sit at our desks and class started.

Most of civics was spent doing presentations and chatting. It was fairly fun, but the anxiety and stress that I had to present tomorrow kind of freaked me out. A lot. I hated presenting.

Last year, while presenting a 'science fair project' in front of my science class, I was shaking so much and talking so fast that everyone mentioned it to me after class. Ever since then, I have absolutely dreaded presenting in front of any class.

After civics, I said goodbye to Chelsea and headed to math. Dakota was busy talking with some guy, so I rushed to math and quietly started doing my homework.

The first half of math was spent agonizing over a flow proof on triangle inequalities and a quiz on different segment things in a triangle. I knew all of it well, but she tricked us on the quiz. It's hard to explain, but she purposefully said to put the answer into a different form than everyone is used to putting it in. Well, now I failed a quiz... Again...

During lunch, I mostly ate. The lunch was delicious. Mashed potatoes and gravy, bread, milk, and some weird blueberry dessert (which was awesome). There was also chicken, but no one ate that.

The second half of math was just homework time. I finished all of my math homework, surprisingly, but I had other homework to attend to anyways. I had an essay, presentation, and a project to finish, all due very soon. I almost finished my essay, but everything else was for home.

English wasn't anything too weird. We went over the pretest. I got 32/37, which isn't my best, but at least it's not graded. Nicki got 100%! I was so angry when I found out! She did guess for everything, though... We also started reading a short story. It was about this guy who was sailing in the Caribbean and then fell into the water.

After school, I immediately headed to my mother's room. We had to leave right away for some weird reason that I kept forgetting. I zoomed by everybody and passed Finch on the way. I greeted her and then landed in my mother's room. We headed home quickly.

Later that evening, I had been messaging Chelsea a lot. This always happened, actually. Almost every day, I would text her something funny and it would spark an intense, long conversation. It sucked that I was always the one to start the conversation, but she was usually the one to continue it anyways.

We started talking about the civics essay, then moved to how much America sucks, went to an inside joke we had since we first met, and finished off talking about our obsessions. That usually how it went. Business, joking around, and fangirling.

Still, a part of me wanted to believe she was flirting with me. There were a few moments were she would say something like, "I'm glad we have each other," or, "you can always come to me to talk about it". It was probably just her congenial personality, but I hoped so deeply that it was something; that maybe she was feeling something and trying to hint it to me.

I'm so hopeless that I'm begging for feelings from a straight girl... I never knew I could stoop this low. Actually, I did. I've gone lower towards Dolly.

Later that night, I sat on my bed and thought for a while. I was mostly thinking about how everything sucks. People keep telling me, "you're so young! You'll find someone". True, I'll probably find someone eventually, but for now I have nothing and nobody. None of my crushes have liked me back yet and the one guy that liked me last year got his feelings hurt by me. I feel so utterly worthless. I know I make people smile and laugh, but I am worthless to myself. I bring no joy or cheer to my soul; no warmth in the air. It's my fault that I'm slowly killing myself, but I can't stop.

P.S. I'm Slowly Dying

"Ignorance is your new best friend.

Ignorance is your new best friend.

This is the best thing

That could've happened

Any longer

And I wouldn't have made it

It's not a war

No, it's not a rapture

I'm just a person

But you can't take it.

The same tricks that

That once fooled me

They won't get you anywhere

I'm not the same kid from your memory

Well, now I can fend for myself.

Don't wanna hear your sad songs

I don't wanna feel your pain

When you swear it's all my fault

'Cause you know we're not the same

No, we're not the same

Oh, we're not the same.

Yeah, we used to stick together

We wrote our names in blood

But I guess you can't accept that

The change is good

It's good, it's good."

~Paramore
"Ignorance"