Painted Smiles [completed]

July 11

"Claire! Long time, no see!"

I looked up, high up, and beamed at the wonderful sight. After closing my laptop and standing up from my table, I hugged D tightly around the neck. She wrapped her arms around me, lifting me off the ground a few inches.

Once she let go, she stepped back and got a good look at me. She must've noticed the relaxed makeup and bright purple shirt because her smile made me feel comfortable. Her acceptance made it all better.

We sat down, and she began sipping on her iced tea.

"Oh, Mom, it's been far too long, indeed! How's your summer been?" I asked, placing my elbows on the table and staring at her onyx eyes.

"Good. Basketball camp was fantastic, and I saw a black bear at my cabin for the first time this weekend!" She replied.

I chuckled, "Did you run away screaming?"

We both laughed, and she said, "No, ya goofball! It was a very cute bear!" Once we both got our giggles out, she pointed at me and nodded her head. "What about you? How's your summer been? Tell me the details!"

I sighed, for my busy and stressful summer has been far from fun. Just remembering the pressure on my shoulders bent my smile back down.

"I started mock trial, which was pretty good, I guess. They forgot about me, though, and now I don't know what my role is. Then, I had my writing workshop at Turksquare University. That was pretty cool, especially since two girls flirted with me! I even read a personal essay about your classroom on the last day," I paused to turn away and blush from her endearing grin, "However, I recently had bible camp. It was fine because I went with a friend, but pretending to be Christian when you're super atheist is difficult. One speaker talked about how pharmacists should be able to refuse selling the Plan B pill because of religious beliefs! Thankfully, my birthday was on Friday, the day after I came back, and that was lit. I ordered a deer onesie and a Pokemon onesie online!"

Her eyes widened after I finally finished. She probably wasn't expecting a speech, but I usually talk a lot more, so she really shouldn't have been surprised! Plus, I've tried nudging her to talk more, but she prefers keeping in her shell with her ears out.

"That's quite a lot. Aren't you working on summer reading and online gym, too?" She asked.

I rolled my eyes and nodded. "Don't even get me—"

She cut me off, "Oh, I won't. I know you could rant about those for an hour each!"

Again, I rolled my eyes at her; playfully, of course. We both pushed teasing, sarcasm, and body language to a healthy edge.

"Well," she continued, "I'm really sorry about mock trail, but I'm glad you joined it. It seems like you need more clubs and groups to join, so good for you! I'm also really proud of your writing workshop. Turksquare? And two girls? Wow, that's unbelievable! Bible camp sounds like it sucked, though. Did your parents make you go?"

I shrugged. "No, but my parents think it'll fix me. They say it's already done wonders for my sexuality, which isn't true. I just don't talk to them about girls anymore."

"I think that you should expose them slowly," she said, shaking her iced tea to mix it better.

I asked, "Do you really think that I can ever cure them of their homophobia? They're Russian and pretty conservative. They're like this with race, gender, and trans rights. Hell, they won't even try to be more accepting for their own daughter! Would it really be safe to expose them to my sexuality?"

"Maybe not," she sighed, "but it's worth a shot. Trying is better than no progress, right?"

A chill ran down my spine, and I bit my lip as I thought. She was right, but I hated it. Her advice is always so well thought out, and she always knows what to say.

Finally, I spoke. "How's the class your working on?"

Her eyes perked, and her smolder said it all. "Actually, I was just going to bring that up! While I was digging for some class material, I found a book about Lady Gaga and feminism! It's about how she's reshaped pop culture and the idea of gender through her music, style, and persona."

"You're gonna use it for the class?!"

She burst out laughing. "Calm down; I haven't even read it yet!"

"Read it A-Sap!"

"I will, and I'll lend it to you if you want," she replied.

"Oh, Mom, you're such a queen!"

We both laughed again, and I couldn't stop smiling. All I've ever wanted from an adult is to feel comfortable, accepted, secure, and loved.

For the first time, I felt like she actually loves me like a daughter.

Sadly, that all came crashing down.

Her smile began fading away as I brushed my hair behind my ears. Her eyebrows creased downwards, and she shut her mouth tightly. Her fists clenched on the table.

"Claire, your hair—"

I dug my elbows into the table with discomfort. My whole body felt stiff, and my chest compressed and caved in until every breath felt painful and unreal.

"I didn't think you'd notice," I whispered.

She gave a sad chuckle. "What do you mean 'I didn't think you'd notice'? What happened?"

My stomach heaved, and I could feel my heart trying to crawl up my throat. I tried to retort, but my heart choked me up. The gigantic lump in my throat silenced me.

The woman continued, "You're doing this because of other people, aren't you? You want to look more feminine."

I nodded slowly, and she sighed deeply.

"I'm so sorry, Mom. I've been feeling this way for a few months now, and bible camp—"

"Claire, I'm not mad at you. I'm just surprised, honestly. There's no need to say sorry to me. I told you my thought process, and it's okay if you deem it necessary to change your hair style," she assured me.

I took in a deep breath of relief, and my heart sunk back into place. My lungs felt like elastic after holding my breath for so long, and breathing normally felt like a luxury. My fingers ran through my hair, ruffling each imperfection I caused by attempting to grow it out.

I mumbled, "Thank you. It sucks that I'm letting you down, but I'm glad you understand. I really needed to hear that."

Her arm extended towards me, and she placed her hand, palm facing up, in front of my elbows. I reached my hand down and held hers.

"Claire, you'll never let me down."

P.S. Too Clingy, Too Careless

"I always wondered when you stopped loving me

But I can't see clearly

But I know that you know that I know that you don't really care

Let's talk about your hair and how it's grown

And how we know that we're not getting anywhere

Nothing is what it seems."

~Have Mercy
"Let's Talk About Your Hair"