Painted Smiles [completed]

October 8

Undeniable beauty was covered up by the confusion and formidable ease.

I don't think I ever blamed Dolly for rejecting me. I could understand the concept of unrequited love. I wasn't angry at her for having feelings. I loved her because of her shits and giggles. If she didn't love me, it would hurt, but I could handle it. The fact that she decided to cover up her feelings with lies was what got me. I could no longer trust the one person I trusted most. Every compliment, helpful hint, and laugh seemed to be a lie. I was living a lie for a year, and I think that's why I wasted my time on her.

Still, I admired her cleverness. Although I detest her more than most people at the moment, I can't help but look up to her for advice. Every sneaky, furthering move she makes is just one more thing I can use. I know that survival isn't a lie.

I sat down with Gretchen and Sasha at our usual spot for skinny hour. Dolly was sitting a couple of tables in front of us, so I could clearly see her. She was having fun with her friends; taking pictures, making jokes, and being as loud as possible. Her strategy was to rub her amazing life in my face. My strategy was to show no annoyance. She may have a boyfriend and a ton of friends, but I have something she doesn't. The ability to not be a condescending cunt.

"So, Gretchen, find anything out about the guy you think is cute?"

She snickered and didn't even look up from her math homework, which she was diligently working on. "Tsk, no."

I looked over at Sasha, who seemed deeply involved with her phone. "What about you? Still into Sean or have you moved on?"

She shrugged; too distracted to care about what I had to say. I was used to it, but I still felt left out.

I thought about Chelsea. I liked her, and she was such a nice girl, but she was just filling the hole that Dolly left. At least she wasn't being an liar while doing so.

I looked up to see Dolly hugging Connor. My stomach twisted and turned. She was mighty proud of her spiteful doings, but at least she was a good actress. Who knows how long the princess and the foreigner will date. Not for long, I assumed.

In band, we didn't do much. The usual routine continued, and I felt my interest waning. However, I think I'm getting better. My fingers can zip through tricky parts better than I remembered.

In civics, I immediately headed to Chelsea's desk. I decided to stop being a wuss. I didn't use Sean as a distraction. I looked her dead in the eyes when I talked.

"Ugh, I didn't get to watch Gaga last night."

She raised an eyebrow, concerned about my obsession, and crossed her arms. She always looked so...neutral? She made facial expressions but her resting face accumulated throughout everything she did. "Well, I guess you'll have to watch it on Netflix when the next season comes out!" She tormented.

I gasped and tried to act offended, but she knew I was joking and laughed. Sean was probably watching, but not once did I look at him during the conversation.

During civics we learned about the executive branch of the government. We learned about the president, Vice President, and departments. It was fairly interesting, but I would've loved to learn more about congress. That stuff interested me more.

After class, I said goodbye to Chelsea in the usual way. A peace sign for a wave. Then, Dakota somehow got to my side.

"Long time, no see! Sorry, I've been busy with my real social life, but I just wanted to tell you that Dolly's been spreading rumors."

It took all of my night to continue walking along with a normal expression. Rumors were what started my spiral downwards. In sixth grade, the boy I liked spread rumors that I was a stalker and people believed him. I lost most of my friends and only had 5 friends by the end of the year. The only best friend I had was Jasmine at the time. We were both in the same math class and couldn't shut up.

"What rumors?" I uttered in a barely audible whisper.

She looked over at me sadly and pet my head. I let her. I didn't have the strength to retort with some sassy comment.

"She says you beat her up when she rejected you."

I bit my lip so hard it started bleeding. Dakota let go of me and let me enter my math class. I licked the blood from my lip and thought long and hard as I waited for the bell to ring. I wouldn't let her ruin my life with her boyfriend, popularity, and rumors.

I carried through math and lunch with the flicker of hope I had collected from Chelsea. I used it all up to get through the day. That's why I had no faith in mutual feelings.

Still, it felt like people were constantly staring at me. She was good. She was too good.

In English we finally finished To Kill A Mocking Bird. Loose ends were tied, a mean guy died, and a good guy finally showed his face. I liked the writing style of the book and how the plot was mapped out, but not the plot itself. It was a really weird story that seemed to have two separate parts to it. It started with one part, went to the other, and came back to the first.

After school, I said, "have a good weekend!" to Mr. St. Ann, gave a peace sign to Chelsea, and ignored Dolly. It took so much will power to not actually beat her up. I needed to let out my anger somehow. She was just like all of my failed attempts at a relationship. I can't believe I ever thought she changed. People don't change. They get smarter and sneaker, but an ass is always an ass.

Still, I missed her. I missed the happiness I thought we had, but it was all just a game to her. The one person I had opened up to had lied to me.

The one person that I showed my true self to painted smiles onto my lips.

P.S. Getting Cocky?