How Could I Have Known? (A Josh Ramsay Fan Fiction)

Part XI

Everyone was back on the bus and we were eating sandwiches for our dinner. Josh and I were sitting on the couch and the others were playing some sort of video games. All I could hear was them yelling at each other and shouting swear words at the game. "What are you thinking about?" Josh asked. "Hmm? Me? Nothing. Just bored. What are you thinking about?" I asked. He inhaled deeply and placed his arm around my shoulders. We were only about an inch away when he said. "I'm thinking about how much of an amazing time we were having before the guys interrupted us." I giggled. "I don't really remember what was going on. Can you remind me?" Josh smiled and then kissed me. His lips were so sweet from the mixed drink he just sipped they made me dizzy from pleasure. I felt something new this time though, it was that nervous feeling again and I think I tensed up. I'm sure Josh realized this because he stopped. He brushed my cheek with the back of his hand so gently then kissed my forehead. "What's wrong?" He whispered. "Nothing, I'm fine, really. But-uh. Never mind." I stuttered. "Come on, tell me. It's okay." He responded. "I don't know. I just, sometimes get nervous around you. The weird thing is that I've never had butterflies with you before our first kiss." Josh's eyebrows were raised. "Really?" He questioned. "That is weird. Wanna know something? I get those feelings too, like just now. Is that why you tensed up?" "Yeah. Goodness, what does it mean?" I asked. "I don't know." He pulled me closer. "Let's find out." He kissed me again. The pressure of his chest on mine increased as he gently leaned into me and I laid myself down underneath him. His fingers found mine and he raised my arms over my head and held them there with only one hand. I seemed so small compared to him, his body surrounded mine and I was safe. Josh's free hand traced my side sliding up my shirt until my skin was exposed. We made out for a while longer and then just relaxed side by side. He was out. I propped myself on my elbow and brushed a blue streak away from his eyes. He was usually so animated that it was nice to see him calm. I traced the stubble that was starting to grow back on his upper lip but stopped because I was afraid I'd wake him. He furrowed his eyebrows like he was mad but then relaxed. I kept looking at him and he seemed in pain. I made sure I wasn't laying on him or anything but he still was in pain. Just then he sat straight up. "Are you okay?!" Josh didn't say anything; he just moved to the edge of the couch and planted his elbows on his knees with his face in his palms. Was he crying? No. He was never like this, what was he dreaming about? I scooted next to him and rubbed his back, then I kissed his cheek and he looked up straight across to the other side of the bus. "What's wrong?" I asked softly. "Nothing." He spoke so quietly I almost didn't catch his word. "What were you dreaming about?" "I don't remember. It was really bad though, I don't think that drink helped." I giggled and hugged his waist from behind. We just sat there for a couple seconds. I realized that there was no faint sound of the video games the guys were playing so they probably went to sleep. It was pretty late so I asked Josh if he wanted to sleep here or in his bed. "I'll go where ever you go." He replied. "Okay, okay, let's just get you into your pajamas and then I'll think about it." We stood up and he whispered into my ear, "Then I have to get you into your pajamas." "Mhm." I laughed. "I'll think about that." We went to our bags and got our clothes. I changed in the bathroom while Josh changed in the back room. When I'm finished I walk out and Josh greeted me. "Well hello there." I say as I wrap my arms around his neck. "Hi." He says in a low voice into my hair. "Aren't you going to finish getting dressed?" I asked as he swayed my body. "I am dressed." "Don't you wear a shirt?" "Not usually." "Well, you are distracting me." He looked at me and laughed, I put my finger to his lips and told him not to be loud but he just kissed my finger so I cupped his face with my hand. He kissed my palm as well and closed his eyes. He had that peaceful look on his face again but I was afraid it would contort into pain so I moved my hand to the back of his neck and pulled him close for a kiss. He didn't refuse; instead he pulled my waist towards him tightly. Soon my back was against a wall and we were in our own world again. His hand moved from my waist to the curve of my back and down farther until he lifted my knee up. He kept us so close together it was hard to move around, but with him I didn't have to move. He did everything, it's like he would rather make me happy than feel happy himself. Josh was always like this, he was a dream. A perfectly beautiful dream. I just couldn't keep from wondering why. Why was he so good to me? He protected me, stood up for me and loved me. What made him love me? These questions keep swimming in my head, and I can't answer them. I want to ask him but I don't know how to ask Josh 'why he is so good to me'. It sounds so stupid even in my head.

Josh finally lowered his kisses to my neck and I breathlessly called his name. "Josh?" I called again. "Mm?" He said without removing his lips from my skin. I couldn't get the words out. He kissed down my neck to my chest and covered every bit of me that wasn't clothed with his lips. I couldn't focus. "Um." I let out. His grip on my waist and leg tightened; I didn't know how to get him to listen. I took a deep breath. "Josh?" No good. "Josh, I-" I was cut off; he kissed me hard on the mouth. I couldn't go anywhere, I really couldn't move, but something about his kiss made me want more. All the stupid thoughts and questions in my head were erased. I couldn't help but try to kiss him back; these weren't the small circles that we always followed. They were deeper and had a meaning. What was the meaning? Again he moved. Down my neck, to my chest back to my mouth. This time his hold on me loosened. He backed up a millimeter, and let go of my knee. My heart was racing. Why? I don't know. I was so dizzy I didn't know we moved away from the wall. Josh was guiding me somewhere and I felt nervous. What was he planning? I don't know. I tripped a few times but he caught me, then we just stood there in the middle of the bus in a long kiss. I was only standing because of Josh. Finally the dizziness wore off and I was able to break away knocking over some stuff in the process. I literally pushed myself off of Josh lost my balance and landed on the floor. He followed me to the ground. "What are you doing? Are you okay?!" He tried to help me up but I refused it. "Hey, come on, let me help you up." "I'm fine, I'm fine, don't worry." I said. "Why did you push me away?" "I didn't push you away." I told him. "I pushed myself away." "What? Why?" He exclaimed. "I don't know. I just..." I sighed. "I don't know what's going on in my head." He just stared at me. "You don't know?" He asked. "I don't understand what I feel." I said. "I...I don't...never mind." "No." Josh raised his voice. I was startled because he never shouted at me. "I love you, and I want to have a relationship with you. And we need to communicate. You tell me what's on your mind and we talk about it. Don't just shut down. I can't stand to see you that way." I couldn't look into his eyes. He was right; I acted like a child. He held out his hand to help me up and this time I took it still not able to look at his face. I wanted to cry. If I were by myself I would. Josh doesn't deserve to see me cry. It's too much; I should put him through that. The choking feeling in my throat wasn't helping though. I could barely talk for the next two minutes, but I didn't need to say much. Josh pulled me into a hug as soon as I got up. His face was buried in my hair and neck and I could feel his breath on my skin. Our bodies were pressed together and I was on my toes. We stood there for so long; it truly felt like an hour but I didn't want to break off, not again, I really wanted to stay like this forever. He whispered in my ear if I wanted to go to sleep and I nodded yes. We walked hand in hand to the couch in the back of the bus I grabbed the blanket at the far end of the couch and laid on the outside next to Josh. I covered us both and snuggled up to him. We were both exhausted; I could only remember the steadiness of his breath that calmly put me to sleep.