Avatar Rose: Dusk

Chapter 75: Rose

Sometimes to stay alive, you've got to kill your mind
-Twenty One Pilots

The cold night air blasts as the night sky seeps all the light like a bad omen. I've never liked the dark. It's lonely.

But I need to be alone, even if it's one of my biggest fears. Being alone means thinking. And being alone with your thoughts is terrifying.

But all I feel is anger at the moment. Nathan's face flashes in my mind, kindling the smoldering fire that might explode any moment from anger.

He thinks I'm not serious. He thinks I'm a psychopath for wanting to kill my father. But he doesn't understand. No, Nathan has never reached the threshold of what it's like to be me.

Nathan doesn't know what it's like to be hit over and over again until you're so numb you can't feel anything anymore. He doesn't know how it feels like to despise the very thought of the word dad. Or flinching at the very feeling of being touched because nobody ever touched me except to hit me. That's how it was like for the longest time. He just doesn't understand. He doesn't care. No one does.

Sure, Nathan has been through a lot. He doesn't really talk about it, but I can tell something happened along the way to make him so possessive. It's like he thinks I'll disappear if he isn't like that.

Is that what I want?

The frustration inside me is about to burst. I feel weak and powerless, and that's exactly how everyone sees me. They pretend to care and understand what I feel, but it only makes me angrier.

It's so hard when all you want to be is alone, but at the same time, you want someone there to wash all those voices out of your head.

I know what you guys are thinking. You think I'm crazy. I'm so hopelessly lost that I honestly don't know anymore.

The idea of running away crosses my mind. I could win this by myself. I don't need some gang of losers following me around pretending they're in control. Because they're not. I'm in control. I'm always in control. And when I do defeat the FireLord, I'll be rich and the ruler of a whole nation. Nathan can't boss me around then, he'd have to bow in my presence.

I grin at the thought, but the rage ignites even more. But where's the justice in running away? They haven't seen the true Rose, one the Rowan has tried his best to wash away from me. Something I've kept inside because it chases people away. But what else do I have to lose? They all hate me anyway.

I spend the rest of the night wandering around, either on foot or with my new glider. I'm careful to not make a fire, considering they might be looking for me.

The darkness swallows me up. I begin to pace as my hands begin to tremble. As the anger thins out, they come again, those voices.

I don't know who most of them are. Quite a few are people I've loved in the past, who are dead. I'm convinced that the hundreds of others are the ones I killed here.

Why are they in my head!?

"GET OUT!" I shout angrily. I punch a tree, which makes a satisfying creak of protest. I begin to punch it furiously until my left hand is bloody and my right hand is well, perfectly fine. I glare at it. I want it bloody. I want it to be like it used to be.

I punch the tree even harder with my left hand, smearing blood on the trunk and grinning at the sharp pain. It's distracting. The pain makes the voices fade.

Morning eventually comes. I haven't slept all night, but I don't care. I'm used to it anyway. I walk back to camp with glider in hand. Everyone sits around a fire while Gwen makes breakfast with it. Bet it took them a while to make it without me.

"Oh, Rose! I was so worried!" Liesel exclaims. She rushes towards me and is about to hug me, but I duck away.

Liar. I'm not enduring hugs anymore.

"You okay?" Rowan asks, standing up. I nod with the best smile I can muster.

"What happened to your fists?" Xander asks.

"I fell," I lie.

Evan snorts. "Try falling on your fists sometime."

I shoot a menacing glare at him. I feel cornered. I take my bag and sit against a tree trunk away from them. I refuse to eat.

"Rose, we have a long road ahead of us. I'm guessing you didn't sleep either, so at least eat something," Gwen says.

"I'll be okay," I reply.

As everyone gives up, I find myself relaxing. My muscles tense up once more when Rowan plops beside me. He doesn't say anything, but just sits there. He puts his arm around me, but I don't dodge it. Rowan is okay. He's safe.

I glance at Nathan, expecting him to interfere with Rowan's slight touch. He doesn't. He doesn't even glance my way.

Rowan speaks up. "Is it Jim? Did he come back?"

Jim was only one of the few voices back then when I was a kid. I guess it's an avatar thing.

I flinch. "Don't say his name."

He was my brother. We weren't related, but he was my big brother just the same. When I lost my arm and leg and my foster parents (his parents) died, he was still there. But then he died, of course. And I had to start all over again.