Empty Thoughts

Discomfort

There's this feeling

It takes over me every second that I'm awake

I'm most aware of it when I'm sitting in class

There's an itching, like when you wear a Christmas sweater

Or that feeling when you have too much makeup on

The air is always too hot and stuffy

I constantly feel like I'm choking

The worst of it though,

Is feeling like it's obvious

It feels like I stand out

Like everyone knows who I am and they're all just secretly laughing at me

But they don't know

They know the facts

Who's died in my family

Who I've dated

Etc

But even there they're missing information

They don't know that I have several friends who have died

They don't know about my biological father who abused my mother and endangered my life

They don't know the thoughts that go through my brain every single second of every single day

They don't know this feeling

This feeling that makes me want to scream at the top of my lungs

This stupid feeling that prevents me from wearing shirts too high cut

Because they make me feel like I'm suffocating

But also prevents me from wearing shirts that show more than half an inch below my collarbones

For fear of standing out more

All anyone ever sees is the outgoing teenager

They don't know that it's all forced

They don't know that I'd rather stay in bed with the lights off and never come out

They see my makeup

But they don't know that the reason I wear it is to distract from this feeling

This feeling

Which can be obviously seen on my face were it not for the makeup

This feeling

That shudders through my body and makes me want to punch walls

This feeling that just itches

That makes me feel like I'm dying

This feeling

That makes me disappointed to realize I'm not

This feeling that comes whenever I'm around people

This feeling that makes the darkness even more unbearable

This feeling

This feeling

This feeling.