There's this feeling
It takes over me every second that I'm awake
I'm most aware of it when I'm sitting in class
There's an itching, like when you wear a Christmas sweater
Or that feeling when you have too much makeup on
The air is always too hot and stuffy
I constantly feel like I'm choking
The worst of it though,
Is feeling like it's obvious
It feels like I stand out
Like everyone knows who I am and they're all just secretly laughing at me
But they don't know
They know the facts
Who's died in my family
Who I've dated
Etc
But even there they're missing information
They don't know that I have several friends who have died
They don't know about my biological father who abused my mother and endangered my life
They don't know the thoughts that go through my brain every single second of every single day
They don't know this feeling
This feeling that makes me want to scream at the top of my lungs
This stupid feeling that prevents me from wearing shirts too high cut
Because they make me feel like I'm suffocating
But also prevents me from wearing shirts that show more than half an inch below my collarbones
For fear of standing out more
All anyone ever sees is the outgoing teenager
They don't know that it's all forced
They don't know that I'd rather stay in bed with the lights off and never come out
They see my makeup
But they don't know that the reason I wear it is to distract from this feeling
This feeling
Which can be obviously seen on my face were it not for the makeup
This feeling
That shudders through my body and makes me want to punch walls
This feeling that just itches
That makes me feel like I'm dying
This feeling
That makes me disappointed to realize I'm not
This feeling that comes whenever I'm around people
This feeling that makes the darkness even more unbearable
This feeling
This feeling
This feeling.
YOU ARE READING
Empty Thoughts
RandomJust an odd collection of thoughts in my brain that sometimes come spilling out of my mind