IF I FALL - #Wattys2016

TRY TO MOVE ON | LYA

Getting used to be alone again... I guess we all went through that pain. You stupidly and naively deeply fall in love for that one guy you know you should never fall for. Yet, you still do and you end up by regretting it like if it was the most stupid mistake you ever made.

Then, you have to wake up every morning and convince yourself that you will feel better on the next day, but it's a lie. The next day is even worse, but you gotta keep going so you still try.

And then comes these awkward and painful moments when people around you look at you feeling sorry for you and desperately try not to remind you you just got dumped but they keep blurting his name somehow, which actually make you feel even worse.

And after that comes the worst. When you do these things you were usually doing together that you now do by yourself: that place in the train where you used to sit together, that roof where you both spent hours talking about anything, that burger joint where you used to eat together, that bed you used to sleep together in...
So you try to avoid these things that reminds you of him... But you can't avoid the train nor you can't afford a new bed.

So you go out a lot just to avoid getting depressed when overwhelmed with memories. Just to avoid thinking about him. And it works... You stick to your single friends because you can't deal with stories from happy couples. You drink a lot, you often go home wasted. Everybody knows you're hurt because you're trying too hard to pretend tomorrow will be a better day, but you keep pretending anyway.

Yep... That was my story. Absolutely everything around me reminded me of him. I was missing him so badly that I kept going through the pictures we took together, in my phone, every time the need was too unbearable. I wanted to see him all the time. I wanted to feel his arms around me, I needed to feel his body against mine and his lips devouring mines. I was always wondering where he was, what he was doing and who he was with. But one thought kept coming. A thought that hurt like hell... That thought that maybe he was somewhere with Sarah, giving her the affection and attention he gave me for a few months... Except that he might probably be happy now, since Sarah was the one he loved.

Since that day at the library when I cried in Mike's arms, my tears had no problem coming out anymore. Even if it was one awkward moment for me and probably even more for him, I have to admit that it felt good to let out my emotions that night.

He took me to a restaurant near his school where he invited me for dinner and heard me blurting for two hours about my pain and my feelings for Tom. In the process, while telling my story, I involuntarily made it obvious that we were a fake couple at the beginning. I really didn't want to mention it but I guess I couldn't control the flow of my speech anymore.

It didn't matter anyway. It was no longer important.

Once my stomach was filled, I suddenly realized I was lamely confessing my pain to Tom's best friend, which didn't seem right at all. I had no right to badmouth his friend. I had no right to rely on him nor wait for any comfort from him. But Mike realized my discomfort and told me that by dating Tom, all his friends got quickly used to me and I was now considered one of them.

It seriously made me happy to hear that, but I couldn't stop feeling that it was somewhat wrong. He insisted on the fact that Terry, Janelle and Alexa considered me as a real friend and that it wouldn't be fair to stop seeing them just because I was no longer with Tom. What he said made sense but on the other hand, I couldn't get off my head that they were Tom's friends before being mines.

I wanted to stay far away from whatever would make me connected to him... So I ended up avoiding their calls.

Days were going by but the pain never faded. And finally, my best help came from Chloe. She forced me out of my daze and took me out, with some of her friends. Drinking, dancing, smoking... Anything that could numb the pain was welcome. But as soon as I headed back to the residence, while walking the hallways of this place where absolutely everything, from the scent to the colors reminded me of him, the pain immediately awoken and that emptiness inside me took over.