IF I FALL - #Wattys2016

THE PAST | LYA

My heart was racing all day long. I could feel the accelerated beat through my chest at each minute that passed. Sitting at that cafe in Midtown, every second spent waiting felt like an hour. Every time the door opened, I was jumping on my seat. One second I was hot, the next second I felt cold. I would have never thought I would be sitting at a cafe someday, waiting to meet the woman who failed me and tossed me away when I was 6.

Rewind... Back in my apartment the same day, a few hours before. After hearing Tom talking about the day I met his father, I realized that there was really only one way to move forward and for this, I needed to face my past. That was the last thing I wanted but that was the only thing to do.

So I called Dwayne and asked him to give me the contact information my mother gave him.

I thought he would have asked questions. I thought he would have asked to meet me in person. I thought he would be as mad as when I called him earlier. But when he picked up, his tone was different. Like he didn't care anymore. Like exhausted. He gave me her phone number and just hung up. I felt miserable for putting him through so much when he never deserved any of that. I owed him so much... Starting with the honest truth. I knew that. But at the moment, all I had on my mind was my mother.

I had no idea why she wanted to see me after almost 20 years of absence. To be honest, I could barely remember her face. The last memory I had of her was from the day she left me at my father's house. She was wearing a red dress too revealing for broad day light, her bleached blond hair was a serious mess, dry as straw, too damaged by the sun, the heat and the lack of care. She was reeking of liquor and smoke, her nose probably full of cocaine, dragging me around like the unwanted weight in her life that she was finally gonna get rid of.

The smell of crack is my most distinctive memory of her. It was not always but sometimes, when she smoked her pipe inside the house, the smell was so strong that it got me sick. It took days for the smell to totally disappear. Somehow, that was a smell I would always associate with her.

I started to feel nauseous just by thinking about it and my sudden courage instantly vanished.

"Want me to call?" Tom said while looking at the number I scribbled on the notepad I dropped on the table.

Call her... I couldn't even remember her voice...

"No... I... I need to do this" I said while taking a deep breath.

I stared at the phone I was holding in my hand and the notepad while repeating myself it was not a good idea.

You are no longer the sad little girl you once was. You're a strong woman. You can do this.

I exhaled out as to give me some courage and dialed the number, my hand shaking like crazy.

Tom suddenly grabbed my other hand. "Are you alright?"

Was I alright? I was anxious, scared, shaky while pressing the "call" button. Was I alright?

I looked at his hand on mine and felt the warmth of his body through it. Yeah... I was alright as long as he was here with me. I nodded, trying to focus on his hand rather than on the calling tone.

"Hello?" A calm and composed mature voice answered suddenly.

It took me by surprise. As I said I couldn't remember her voice at all. But the voice I was hearing over the phone was not at all what I was expecting.