IF I FALL - #Wattys2016

LOST | TOM

If there's a word to describe my state of mind at that time, I'd say fucked up.

My head was a fucking mess, my situation was unstable and my best friend was hitting on my ex. Couldn't blame anyone for my own mess though. I was the one who originated that.

By refusing the father's fantasies about my future, by not being able to take a damn decision, or by not being able to feel a damn thing... All that happened because of me. I knew it and now I had to man up.

I left the party after smocking my blunt. As honest as I was with her when I told her I only wanted her happiness, I couldn't bear seeing Mike turning around her. I knew that he would come to me and tell me about his intentions toward her. And I was not in the mood for that. I now understood the feeling of having your friend drooling over your ex. I guess that was what he felt when I told him I started dating Sarah.

I went home, pissed. I seriously needed to do something about my damn mood before I started annoying people around me. I could have called Sarah, but to be honest, I wanted to be alone. I went to the rooftop and lit up another blunt to calm my nerves. I used to appreciate these solo moments when I smoked on the roof while watching the city sky. But the feeling was different now. Something changed. Maybe me...

I used to never care about anything. I used to let the father talk. I used to like Sarah without expecting nothing in return. I used to avoid relationships. I used to put the boys before anything else. I used to let go easily. So why couldn't I go back to what I was used to? Why that fucking stress kept messing with my head? Why that damn anger couldn't leave me?

No matter how many times I asked myself why, no answer seemed to come. All I could do what put my brain to sleep and just see what tomorrow had in store for me.

I laid in bed, unable to fall asleep. I kept thinking about Lya and Mike dancing together. The way he held her pissed me off. His hands on her waist pissed me off. Her smile when he was whispering to her ear pissed me off. I kept wondering what happened after I left. What if they hooked up? What if she was spending the night? Yeah... what if?...

What if?... Nothing. She was no longer mine. I had no say over who she hooked up with. I had no power over who she decided to date. No matter how much it bothered me to see her with him, I had no right to tell her not to pick him. I don't even think the problem was him. I would have thought the same if it was some random mother fucker. At least, I knew he was not gonna play her. Yeah... maybe it was better if it was him after all.

On the day after, as expected, Mike asked me to come to Brooklyn for a basketball game. I knew it had nothing to do about a game. I knew he just wanted an excuse to talk to me about Lya. As much as I wanted to avoid that moment, I still went. Because I couldn't avoid my mess anyway. I couldn't run away from it. I already decided to man up.

He was already shooting on the court when I got there. He was so focused on his shots that he didn't even notice my presence.

"Yo, don't exhaust yourself before we start the game!" I told him to interrupt him.

He turned around, surprised.

"Hey Bro. Didn't hear you coming. What's up? You didn't show up last night"

"I did" I said while taking the ball from his hands and starting to dribble the ball around.

"Where were you? I didn't see you..." he answered while trying to take the ball from me.

"Yeah..." I smiled. "Maybe cause you were too busy grinding with Lya" I shot.

He stopped surprised and stared at me, startled.