IF I FALL - #Wattys2016

UNBEREABLE TRUTH | LYA

I didn't know what to do. I was broken in a thousand piece inside and only him could mend me. Yet, he needed his time alone. I understood that. But it hurt like hell.

She was a very special person to him and she was now gone. There was probably a million things going on in his head and I couldn't be there for him. I was in pain, drowning in guilt and dried of all tears. And I needed him. I needed him to stand by me, I needed to be there for him just like I needed him to be there for me. But I understood.

Mike said I needed to be patient. I was trying my best. He said he had been sleeping for days before being able to say a few words about what happened. He had been in denial for quite some time and was now considering the fact that all that really happened. I asked him how he was doing. He said that, just like us, he was trying to cope, in his own way.

I knew he was probably feeling guilty as well. I knew he thought the same thing I did. We could have avoided that tragedy if only we tried harder. We should have been there for her. Yet, I didn't want to feel any of this. When things were finally settling down for him, another tragedy happened in his life. It was the second time he had lost someone important and it should have weighted on his shoulders. He was probably thinking about that too.

As much as I was hurt, I needed to be strong for him. I needed to accept the guilt and stop crying. I needed to do my best to support him. That was all I could do to help him.

Staying at the residence alone was hard. When I got there after Mike drove me from the hospital, I felt the air getting thicker as soon as I entered the building. This was the place where I met her. This was the place where she ended her life at. I will never meet her in front of the elevator again. I will never get a chance to see her at the vending machine again. She will not come knocking at my door again. This thought made me feel more anxious than I already was. So I called Janelle and asked her to stay for a little while, which she accepted without any hesitation.

It was Sunday, and the funeral were taking place on that day. I didn't want to go but Janelle kind of reminded me that I needed to say goodbye. She was right. But deep inside, I knew Sarah wouldn't want me to be there. I was the reason she decided to leave this world and I guess it only made sense that your presence was not desired at the goodbye ceremony of the person you hurt. Yet, I knew I didn't have a choice. Mike and Alexa also told me that I must go. So maybe it was the occasion to beg for Sarah's forgiveness.

Janelle was the one who picked a dress for me. She helped me getting ready and made sure I was alright. I had cried for so many day that my eyes were puffy.

"Janelle... What do I do if I see Tom?" I asked, suddenly worried.

"You just give him and big hug and tell him you love him" she smiled.

"What if he doesn't want to see me?"

"Why wouldn't he? You're the girl he loves. Of course he'd want to see you"

"Then why he didn't call? Why he didn't show up in more than a week?"

She looked at me, and seemed to understand what was going on in my head.

"That has nothing to do with his feelings for you. He lost a very dear person to him. He didn't want to hurt you because of his state of mind right now. Mike told me that he said a sinking ship cannot save another one. He just needs time to grieve. Yet, I'm sure that he needs you badly. So that's not the moment to doubt him. You need to be strong and to show him that you'd be there for him whenever you need him"

Janelle was right. I needed to be strong and I would. I would for him.

Janelle drove us to the funeral home. So many people were there. Sarah's mother, of course, but also neighbors, relatives and a lot of younger people who, according to Janelle, were high school classmates. Mike's father was also here, standing next to Mike and Tom.