IF I FALL - #Wattys2016

CAN'T KEEP UP | TOM

It was like a fucking nightmare I couldn't wake up from. I could hear him say the words fuck they didn't make sense.

She couldn't be gone... I couldn't believe that. That girl I had known for years. That girl who was the first I truly respected. That girl I watched growing up. That girl I wanted so bad. That girl I hurt so bad... She was now gone.

Until I actually accompanied Maria to see the body, I refused to believe it. But when I saw her small body wrapped in those blue sheets, when I saw her pale complexion and her purple lips, when I recognized the unanimated body of that girl I thought I'd always see around, the hard truth hit me.

Yeah... She was gone...

I couldn't bear looking at her. I couldn't stand looking at her. I had to leave the room... Just barely 10 seconds after I entered.

Like a robot, I made my way back to the waiting room where I saw my best friend crying for the first time. Lya was there, in shock. I couldn't even say or do anything. I was just as messed up as they were. I needed to go out of that hospital where the air was too thick. I couldn't breathe... I couldn't talk... I couldn't think...

Mike showed up after a few minutes. Seemed like he managed to calm down.

"Man..." He started

"Don't..." I just answered to indicate him I was still not ready to say anything about it.

I guess he understood and didn't finish his sentence.

"I just want to get the fuck out of here" I said.

"Yeah... Want me to drive you home?"

Home... That place I used to call home. That place where she did it. That place...

"I can't... I can't go there..."

"Alright... I'll drive you both to my house"

"No... Drive Lya home. I'll take the subway to your place"

He looked at me, startled with my last sentence.

"She needs you more than anybody right now..."

"I know... I just can't be of any help to her right now... So..."

He gazed at me and noded.

"Alright. I'll be there soon"

I knew all that. I knew she was probably a wreck. But a sinking ship cannot save another one. I was too fucked up to be there for her. I couldn't bear any tears at the moment. Just seeing her crying could have made me break. I was not ready to face her yet. I just needed to snap out of that fucking daze I was in.

I can't even remember how I got there. I was just surrounded by a damn fog and everything I did seemed like it never really happened. I just waited in front of Mike's building, like a fucking ghost, unable to think, unable to feel.

He came back and, without saying a word, let me in his place where I crashed on the guest room bed and slept.

I don't know what time I got there, nor how long I slept. All I know is I woke up in the morning, feeling fucking empty inside. For 5 crazy seconds, I thought try the nightmare was over and that none of this happened. But when I recognized the bedroom I was sleeping in, reality hit back.

The first thing I remembered was the words from the doctor. He said she just stopped fighting. Her brain just shut down. I remembered the anger I felt at that moment. He said it like she voluntarily decided to go. Yet she would have never done that. She would have never abandonned her mother, Mike or me. I kept thinking a that was just an accident.