IF I FALL - #Wattys2016

THE DAY I DIED | TOM

That was the right thing to do. Couldn't bear hearing them all feeding them lies and trying to convince themselves they did what they had to do, pretending they knew her when none of them really gave a fuck.

I was not gonna lie about myself either... I was just like them... Except that I knew what I had done and I knew why she decided to leave. So as harsh or how wrong they thought it was, I couldn't care less. At least I told the truth.

As I exited the funeral home, I found the father standing on the steps, wearing his usual fucker suits, the same emotionless expression on his face. I was a little shocked to see him there at first. But truth is he always liked Sarah better than his own son so I guess it only made sense that he would show up. Yet, I was still surprised to realize the fucker still had some type of feelings.

"Quite a show you put on! Unsurprisingly you came to ruin a funeral. Was it exciting to ruin their mourning?" He said in a sarcastic tone.

"Yeah... Right. I have no time for your bullshit right now though" I simply said, ignoring his words as if they had no impact on me. I couldn't care less about him at the moment and decided not to give a single fuck. So I just walked away.

"We need to talk..." He said, as I was leaving.

"Nah... We don't... I thought I made it clear that was done with you already"

"I'm afraid that if we don't do it soon, we might not have another chance to discuss certain matters..."

I stopped after hearing that last sentence. Yeah... That's right... The fucker was dying. With everything that happened over the past two weeks, I had almost forgotten about that.

I thought about what to answer him... But couldn't find anything. He had poisoned me for too long and I was not ready to let him make that damn day even worse. So I just kept walking. Whatever happened to him was no longer my concern.

I reached the subway station and took the first train to the only place I could return to... My apartment.

Just passing through the front door made my whole body chill. As I waited for the elevator, I started to feel dizzy. The air was suddenly getting thicker and it was getting hard to breathe. These halls, these walls, these lights... They all reminded me of her. Knowing that she chose that place to do such a terrible thing doomed it forever.

I quickly entered my apartment that was left in the exact same state as when I left it a few days ago. I looked at the bed that was still undone and my legs left me, like they couldn't hold my weight anymore. I somehow managed to sit down.

I used to roam this place and associate it with happiness. That place used to be my temple, my escape from the madness. When I found out that I would lose my apartment, I was fucking mad. Because that meant losing my peace of mind too. Now I looked at these walls as a reminder of all my shit. Nothing seemed happy about them anymore. It was just the place where I let her die.

I leaned my back against the door. What was I to do now? How was I supposed to live my life? I felt like there was nothing I could do anymore and that feeling was not leaving me, day or night. How do you keep going on with your life when you're responsible of the death of an important person to you?

Nothing made sense anymore... Going to school, the father, this place... Everything that I used to think were important no longer mattered.

But...

Lya...

Her face popped up in my head. Now that I thought about her, I didn't remember seeing her at the funeral. I was too spaced out to notice anything or anyone anyway... Did she even show up? Was she ok? As soon as I started thinking about her, my head started to hurt. Again... This feeling of wanting to see her was compromised by this guilt that was killing me. I wondered how I'd feel if I was too see her. She always made me feel at ease every time I was with her... Yet, I was afraid that she would be of no help. Even if I needed her badly, I was too fucked up too see her and risk to snap at her. I didn't want to take a chance and risk to say something that I wouldn't be able to take back. Damn... I missed her...