Reality

Sex on a Sunday

Zayn

"Now what?" I ask Niall as I watch him across the room, pulling up his pants and buttoning the top.

He turns around to look at me, sliding his shirt over his head as I sit in my bed under the covers. "What do you mean, 'now what'? We didn't do anything different."

"I know," I nod. 

This is a very strange situation for me to be in. I'm not used to feeling this way. I thought that being fuck buddies with Niall would make me feel better about whatever the hell is going on between us, but all it has made me feel is empty. This situation might work for other people, but it definitely does not work for me. I can't continue to do this hit and run thing.

I am not the type of person to have sex with someone and not think twice about it. I don't know what's gotten into me since I have moved here, but it seems as if my view on sleeping around with people has shifted. I have always viewed it as something to be shared with someone of importance to me, someone I know that would make each time together special and of some kind of substance. Now here I am, having casual sex with some guy that doesn't want anything more than a hookup. 

It's too difficult for me. Each time I have sex with Niall, my feelings for him intensify, and I know it's a horrible thing because the feeling will never be mutual. He will never want the same things I want. This friends-with-benefits relationship is going to combust at the rate things are going. I don't know how much longer I can handle.

The thing is, as much as I know this situation does not work for me, I don't have the willpower to step away from Niall. I don't think I am mentally strong enough to put an end to this because deep down I want to continue having sex with Niall. No matter how awful it is for me to proceed with the hookups, I can't bring myself to refuse him.

All I want is for him to feel the same way about me as I feel about him. I just want Niall to truly want me back. I want him to want to stop hooking up with women and strangers, and I want him to want to only be with me.

As I watch him gather his things by my room door, images of our heated session ten minutes ago flash through my mind. I can feel his heavy breathing at my ear again, I can hear his groans echo throughout the bedroom, I can taste the mint on his lips, and I can smell his sweat around me. The way he looks at me with his lust-filled eyes as he makes each thrust on top of me causes me to feel hot. 

I'm suddenly brought back to reality and pulled from my own thoughts as I hear my bedroom door open. As I glance down, I can see that I've already pitched a tent under these bed covers, and Niall is staring at me with a highly amused smirk.

"Are you okay?" He laughs, shaking his head as my cheeks turn bright pink.

"I'm fine."

"If you say so," Niall shrugs his shoulders and starts to head out the door, but not before I'm able to get a word in.

"Is this really all you want?" I ask, my question causing him to stop and look at me. "You don't think that the two of us could really have something good? I mean, don't get me wrong, this is great. But wouldn't you want something more?"

"Are you being serious right now?" He questions, his brow raising as he stares at me in disbelief. "You're actually serious? I thought we established this? We are just fuck buddies. Nothing more. Don't expect me to cuddle with you after we fuck, don't expect me to take you on dates or hold your hand in public, and don't expect me to be your boyfriend when I clearly am not interested."

His words sting as they come out of his mouth. Each one hits me like a stab to the chest, and I don't know why I had my hopes up for a different reaction from him. I knew he didn't want anything other than this friends-with-benefits relationship, so I'm not sure why I'm feeling a heartache after listening to him talk.