Life changes

Chapter 15 - Missing Them

Amandas pov:

It was coming to the end of the trip, so much has happened. Harry was so angry, pissed of I saw that look in his eyes I've seen it before so I knew how to deal with him.You  do anything the person wants, you tell them how much  you care for them and how much you will stay with them. OK maybe I learned how to deal with this We were in cab now he was so annoyed about my brother he stared getting crazy about guys talking to me so he said only me and him in the cab I only agreed to shut him up. 

The journey back was quiet, really quiet. Like the atmosphere was really bad like you would understand if you saw us that there was a vibe you would just automatically see. The music was on, So lowed I loved it really did, he turned the corner but stared me really intently I didn't mind really but I did also. He gave me that look of stop acting like a child  and get back to reality. I gave  him one and then ignored him and stopped the music but in my mind the music still was playing that made me happy knowing he can't control that part of me, he can't control the part of me that is hidden from  him. 

******* Weeks later when  we've back home 

 I was what I thought was back to normal but Ryan would constantly contact me he was messaging me everyday asking me if we can sort this, talking about not wanting me to leave his life, that he can't live  with out me or that he misses me and needs me back in his life he says "It isn't the same"  that part was true I knew it wasn't. I couldn't  tell Harry this, people say tell your boyfriend everything true they should and not keep anything from them but I guess I was at a point in my life where I wasn't ready to leave Ryan His apart of my life.  

I was at work with Rosie on our lunch break the boys ate with us we liked it, it looked like and felt we got on.  In these days I felt like Im changing, with the acting how Im happy and how I smile. The way girls say "Im Fine" yet they cry behind closed doors was how I was feeling right there. I  chucked my food in the bin then got back to my desk putting my hair behind me ear tucking it in. 

Taking a breath in then just pulling myself up  to my computer and start writing about these documents I needed to fill.

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Harry was really in a bad mood since something really bad happened at work, he wouldn't tell me so I knew he would want me to ask and be loving but I didn't show any emotion it was perfectly easy for me to do so but he didn't know that so I kept it to myself.  So I turned on the radio "I can feel it- Hey violet" was on I was jamming to it jumping up and down. Harry gave me that look like "stop now" but wait he isn't my dad so fuck it.  

He came over, pushed the vase of beautiful dark flowers and the lowed noise of that shattering  I just muttered "They are already broke."  He shouted "They weren't broken, they just needed to be free." I laughed turning to him with a annoyed face "They were, Harry I hope  you know I don't need this, this arguments because I've been there done that so please do not waste my time OK."  He raises the eye  brows "Really you think that?" I say "What am I suppose to say? tell me, one thing that shows you want this?" He stood in silence I moved walking past the broken glass, I grabbed my bag and stuffed my things inside and once it was zipped I turned around last check at the big mirror then I walked towards the door. 

Harry stared at the door, head down I grunted at him "Nice knowing you, Thanks for everything." Not. I closed the door. 

I messaged Me:hey i need you.

Roise: Anything.

Me: I had a fight with Harry.... Can I stay at yours please.

Rosie : Of course, meet me in the filed. 

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I stood at the center of the field I melted and started sobbing She caught me and we hugged, for a good soled moment then put arms around me and then walked to her place. 

Once we were in we were changed in to Pjs and then had hot chocolate and my phone buzzed, So lowed couldn't think .I just ignored the phone and was praising whoever was looking out of me because I know Im messed up.

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Few weeks went by with me not being at work I was mostly thankful for Roise she's a good person. Not like me at all, I'm a bad person I use people. She has no idea about me going of when I'm bored and she doesn't know anything about me.

I could leave at any moment and I'll run. I'm surprised I'm not at the stage of moving on I guess that's me. I hate it that I always come back, to this side of me this self cant I feel I will never leave. But I can try, I can try hating myself then maybe just maybe people will notice and help or I should just leave again. No one will miss me.

I went to work, Harry didn't talk to me or when he did I just wouldn't pay attention.One day he locked the doors making sure I would speak to him. I'll give him that he was demanding which should character but It still didn't help me I still loved him.   I was standing now, hands hung on my arm that was tucked in, staring into blank space.  Honestly In that moment I felt nothing, no feeling. He spoke, I pretended to listen, He continued so I then actually payed attention. I looked at him as I did the words fell "I missed you." I stood their sort of stunned for hearing him say that, I muttered quietly "Does not matter, Why didn't you tell me when I was with you?" He moved towards me I pull back not opening up.  He speaks "I know You missed me too." I tilted my head I spoke lightly "True but you need to change. I can't keep up with these fights I need to go, not play me I've been there before I didn't like it. Please dont do this to me. I couldn't believe I was opening up, saying please really unbelievable. 

He walked towards me pulling his arms open, I had my arms stuck to my sides not holding him he put his chin under my shoulders resting on my chest, I liked it but Didn't dare say it.   I nuzzled my way on to his chest to and just rested my head their instead of putting my arms around him.  He looked and felt satisfied with that. I wouldn't tell him Im not sure what Im doing.