You Hate Me, I Used to Love You (Completed)

...

Apparently poetry like this comes out of my when I'm drunk & depressed:

Not pretending any longer

Not playing along for the sake of it

Not trying to make you happy

Not doing things that only appease you

This is me

This is who I am

This is the real me

You don't have to like it

You don't have to take it.

I didn't ask you to

Tired of being silent

Tired of doing the things you want me to do

Tired of being your slave

Tired of being your whore

Who do you think you are to control me?

Done

More than done

You aren't even real to me anymore

Moving on

Don't need you

I refuse to be taken advantage of any longer

This is not love

It is possession and control

I won't be controlled any longer

I am not yours to possess

Remember that

I DON'T BELONG TO YOU.

-

how the hell am i supposed to make art out of this pain

how in the fuck am i supposed to take this heartache and suffering and make it into
beautiful paintings of my feelings on a canvas with bold, dark colors splashed
across the surface because lets face it abstract is the best i can do
should i take it and recreate it? put it on a Bristol board
and show it too a convention of people who cant hold back their tears any longer
should i let my tears wrote the poems on the empty paper beneath me
because this pain isn't beautiful, its hard and it hurts
the waves of sadness crashing around me and over me screaming for help
goddammit why cant i just be happy!
do i not deserve happiness what do i do to deserve
to have every good thing ripped out from under like a tunnel dug through me like a earthworm
executing its mission, like the mission is to rip
my heart into the smallest bits so no one could ever possibly put it back together again for me
because humpty dumpty sat on that brick wall
and apparently my heart was to humpty my feelings to dumpty and all and all it had a grand fall
and no kings horses came with no kings men to put me the fuck back together again
i was left with myself and my own hands to bind all the pieces back together because of course their all mine
and they still cut me but worse and the scars just started to heal but they come back all the same
because the way that you used to say my name still haunts in my brain i cant continue to play this vicious game
im a cycle, a cyclone, destructive and destroying everything in my path every person i care about every thing that i am
i am destruction, self destruction.

-

 im feelin eerything now 

why why why 

am i hear
oh
rhese thoughts
they thought that i said
ah was is
the disxonnection
need another distraction
ah
im electruc
what makes you so electric
wishing it wasnt actually hectic
wavves from underwater
bunring throat theres no hope
buring theoat still got hope
ahhhhhh I
wanna go to sleeeeeep
but i wanna keep meeeting other people
oh buring throught let there be hope
wanna go to sleep
livin life so inbetween
your words sho sho sho shocked me
some where they lost me
somehow they lost me
oh found
sleeping and sound
sounds just rigjt
dead of the might
come home at 2
good night of booze
rock not blues  

-

im fucked up.

-

im listening to that guy i loveee right now and hearing his voice just made me realize i have him to look up to and he does what i do sometimes and i'm proud of myself. he makes me so happy.

-

  Vodka is being near fire after drowning in snow.
And then falling in love is the blanket that stretches down your spine to keep all the warmth you desperately need.
And the trick to holding love is to never remove it.
And you won't need to drink anymore.
You'll just need to remember how you felt when he held you.
And hope it feels the same way when he holds you again.

-

  

  Where I was only draw to putting my lips onto a bottle but now I just want them on yours
You make me a giggling mess and I'm not afraid to be me
To be me where I can treat you like a king and still be a crazy little girl
You're strong and it makes me so happy when you lift me up
I feel as light as I dif when I was on speeds of all kinds.
I'm drunk and thus poem doesn't make sence
It's not even a peam.. it's me spilling nonsense onto a website where people don't give a shit

-

  I am drunk. and you're still the only thing racing threw my mind even when my veins are swimming in a mix of hennessy and sadness  

-

Wine stained lips and loud music

Lonely soul and carefree mind

Getting lost in the beat, but thinking about too much at the same time
They say drinking alone is dangerous
I think it's enlightening
Knowing my own self when I am alone is comforting
I'm always pretending to know who I am in order to participate in the world regularly
Moments like this is feel infinite as if an hour feels like five to me
Drinking alone doesn't scare me anymore
Being alone doesn't scare me anymore
I am not scared of me anymore  

Alcohol makes me realize how badly I want someone to touch me like I'm as fragile as I feel in my head.

How I want to be loved and held and fucked like the world was ending. Like my brown eyes were made of the constellations we've both been desperate to see, obscured by the city lights.

I want to remember what it feels like to be wanted, needed, craved, someone the world would never be the same without.

Alcohol makes me want to be snuggled up and whispered to, small, soft kisses on the neck reminding me that I'm alive and God just might exist in those lips of yours. 

its sad bc in the morning i'm not gonna remember thiss 

hey i still love him not you but him