You Hate Me, I Used to Love You (Completed)

Failing :-(

So basically I learned that doing stupid things that you think are funny now, wont be so funny in the future. Why? Oh I fucking know. I don't want to say bc i don't want ppl to comment on my stuff again. AND THINGS THAT I AM NOT. ( You know who you are. Like who tf are you? I don't even know who you are.) 

So basically, I'm failing. I am. I actually am.

I've been very upset lately. I've been sick, I've been triggered so many times. I just don't wanna get caught. 

Like physically hurting myself isn't the answer but at this point, whatever. Like I almost got hit by a car like so many times. I was with like idk 13 other ppl.

If there wasn't so many people, bye bye me. I wouldn't jumped right in front those cars. like legit, whatever. 

like I've almost been kicked out of that high school. 

"Follow your dreams." 

That quote is one of my favorites. I hate when people say "Oh, Brie, you have all these dreams" and I'm like don't go there. I hate the word "dream" like say goal. It sounds so corny to me. Idk I just hate it. 

And I'm almost 14. Like I feel like I need to get my shit together. It's hard. 

I love looking back at my childhood and thinking "Wow I've grown up." Or "Wow, look at the mess I've become." It's mostly that. 

Like I said something today. I don't know what it was. Ugh what did I say. 

Oh! The I've seen it all. Like if you've been where I've been, If you ever saw the people I have, oh you'd be surprised. If you lived my life. Oh boy, I would LOVE to see how far you can make it. Like me being in that hospital, the shit I saw. People SCREAMING and crying. Getting shots to make them sleep for 12 hours, There were "codes". Fucking codes. Like I don't remember exactly what they were. They were colors. And I think a code green was to make them sleep. You don't wanna know where the shot went ;) but yeah. There were codes that if someone went CRAZY we'd have to leave. The food was fucking awful. Ugh I hated it. And I remember crying to my mother on the phone. And I talked to my moms friend who I was close with. Fuck I'm crying lol. And I look to where I am now. Like at 11 years old that happened to me. Why? Everything bad happens to me. I really don't mind talking about being in the hospital. If you ever want to ask about it, ask, if you like personally know me, ask! I don't care. 

Don't mention Cole. That's when I'll walk away. 

I talk to him a lot now. Thanks. You know who you are ;) 

I did some stupid things today. Of course I regret it. I should've listened to everyone. I wish I did. Ugh. I make things so awkward. It's always me. 

I bet my friends think I'm some whore now. Whatever. 

See, listen to this, I can't like ride a bike or walk somewhere in my neighborhood anymore without someone yelling whore to me. 

I can't walk in the halls without somebody asking me for a fucking blow job. Or getting comments on what I look like. Like apparently today I was "looking fine af" WHAT DOES THAT MEAAAAAAAAAAANNNNNNNNN? 

Like what do I do?????? Like idk if it's just me being dumb or I'm just here like hey.

Who cares though. Like give up on me. Like legit whatever. I gave up a LONG time ago. OH THAT'S WHAT ELSE I SAID! 

Like 99.9% of me doesn't care. But 0.01% does. 

I don't understand how people don't notice though. I guess I like it that way. 

It's like I want help. I get help. I do. I want to get better it's just not something I can fix in a day, a week or a month, or a year ect. 

It's been like 6 so.... :-) ?